She Worships

Irreconcilable Differences

2008-07-17T06:48:00.009-05:00

"Irreconcilable differences."

That seems to be one of the most common reasons for divorce that you hear today. And I really have no idea what it means.

I sometimes wonder if it's a generic way of categorizing more specific problem, ie. "I want my wife to stop cheating on me but she would prefer not to" or "I want to use our money for food, but my husband wants to use it at the casino." Those sound like fairly irreconcilable differences to me.

But perhaps the most likely reason for this term is that couples simply get tired of trying. Marriage is hard work, and if you fall out of love with your spouse, or someone better comes along, it no longer seems worth the effort. Little decisions become huge debates, and you can't seem to agree on anything. At the end of the day, you are just too different to make it work, so you split on the basis of "irreconcilable differences."

Well science and psychology are now disagreeing with this premise. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman is the founder of The Gottman Institute, which has done ground-breaking research into marital relationships and what makes them work. Specifically, Gottman did a study in which he videotaped newlyweds discussing an issue about which they disagreed, and then he tracked the couples over the following years to see which couples stayed together and which ones divorced.

After years had gone by and the fates of the marriages had largely been determined, Gottman went back to the videos and examined the interactions between the couples in an attempt to discover which couples were built to last, and which couples were doomed for destruction. Based on that information, Gottman now feels he is able to predict with considerable accuracy which marriages will succeed and which will fail.

And what were the characteristics of a doomed marriage? Gottman observed that in couples who later divorced, there was an element of contempt in their disagreements with one another. While arguing, they would be condescending, they would freeze one another out by refusing to listen to the other, and they would tear one another down with name-calling and insults.

The successful couples, on the other hand, were quite the opposite. Though they still disagreed on things, they were willing to listen and grow from one another. And even more fascinating about their interactions is that for every negative thing they said toward the other, they would counteract it with an average of five positive things.

The successful couples also prevented the argument from escalating. Gottman found that the more a person's heart rate increased, the less they were able to listen and respond rationally. When the heart rate increased, they were more prone to become defensive and lash out. Couples who were able to be patient and gentle with one another, thereby preventing the argument from escalating, were able to sustain a conversation that was not only respectful, but from which they both could grow.

When this decades long study was all said and done, Gottman came to the following conclusion: a happy couple is not a couple without conflict. According to Gottman, all couples fight. All couples have irreconcilable differences. It's how you handle those differences that makes or breaks your marriage.

Since Gottman first began his research, he and his wife now offer programs and seminars to help couples work on their marriages, and his teachings have met with tremendous success. Married couples do well to heed his advice--not to mention the fact that he's merely reinforcing Scripture's countless commands to guard your tongue, be quick to listen and always loving. After all, love is patient and love is kind, not sarcastic and condescending.

But what about us single folks? What's the take away message for us? Well even though Gottman's study relates to marital relationships, his principles are important to apply in almost any situation. Our spouses shouldn't be the only ones we labor to love well--we should seek to listen and grow from everyone around us. That is a reputation that Christians do not have right now. The way we relate to non-Christians often looks more like the soon-to-be-divorced couple's interactions--we know that we are right, and we treat people like idiots if they do not agree with us.

So whether or not you are married, we all need to cultivate the art of loving disagreement. This does not mean compromising ourselves, but it does mean that we convey respect and care amidst our irreconcilable differences. When we do this, we increase the likelihood that others will actually listen, and we might learn a thing or two as well.

I have heard it said that Christians never impose their beliefs on others--they simply propose, as a lover to the beloved. If that is our model for evangelism, then the keys to a healthy marriage have implications for us all.

Can Women Be Church Planters?

2008-07-13T11:14:00.013-05:00

I will never forget the first time I saw a documentary on the life of Dietrich Bonhoeffer. In case you are unfamiliar with this great defender of the faith, he lived in Germany during Hitler's rule, and he was one of the only Christians in the entire country to resist the Nazis. In fact, he and a small band of Christians devised an assassination plot against Hitler. They were almost successful in their attempt, but the plan failed and they were all discovered. Bonhoeffer was subsequently executed.

The reason I loved the documentary so much is that it got me excited about my own faith. Bonhoeffer seemed like the equivalent of a Christian super hero--he stood firm against all odds in the face of clear evil. He fought valiantly, in the name of Christ, and he died for a noble cause.

I want to be a part of such a fight, in which the stakes are high and much is to be lost, but I lay down my life because I am a Christian, and that is my calling. I want to be remembered for standing unflinchingly against the powers of evil. I wanna be like Wonderwoman! Except the Christian version (which would probably have sleeves and knee-length shorts).

And I know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. Many women read about the lives of Jim Eliot, Martin Luther King, or women like Perpetua (who I wrote about last month), Christians who all fought and died for the sake of the Gospel. We read about these individuals, and it stirs something deep within us.

It stirs our inner warrior, that part of us that knows we were created to fight mighty battles on behalf of Christ. We are reminded of what our soul has known all along--that our calling is high and the struggle is great, but we will not have lived if we did not wage this war. We want to rise up and be women of valor, to live and die for something bigger than ourselves.

This desire, this calling, is written on the very foundation of my heart. And I know it is written on yours as well.

But what has become of this call to arms? Are we content to experience the fleeting exhilaration of a good sermon or an inspiring story, and then go back to our mediocre lives, never truly tasting greatness?

I think we are. We have become content to settle, and I see this in the way women talk about church leadership. When we discuss our future roles in the church, we do not use that kind of inspiring language. We do not refer to the imagery of epic battles and spiritual warfare. We leave that to the boys.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard women say "I feel called to marry a pastor" or "I want to marry a church planter." Heck, I've said it myself! But it's not often that you hear women talk about their own calling to ministry, their own desire to start a church where no church has gone before, their own sweeping visions for the Kingdom of God.

But regardless of where you stand on the topic of women in ministry, there is a degree to which women are unequivocally called to plant churches and lead within the church. Why? Because no person can plant a church alone. No person can lead a congregation alone. It takes a team of visionaries, a group of hard workers with varying gifts to pull off such an undertaking.

So even if you feel that only men should be senior pastors, a minister is nothing without fellow church planters, both male and female. You never hear about a solitary pastor starting a church in his apartment by preaching to his living room furniture and his dog. Instead, you hear about a team of individuals, couples, families and singles who begin meeting and worshiping together, all with one shared goal for their community--the spread of the Gospel.

That said, women are definitely called to be church planters. While there are certainly instances in which a woman must work or stay at home so that her husband is freed up to focus solely on starting a church, that is not the only role that women can fill. If your husband is called to plant a church, then you are not merely "the wife of a church planter"--YOU are a church planter! The two of you are likely called to the same purpose, so you're not simply tagging along for the ride. Your husband needs a co-laborer who will build him up, spur him on, fill in the ministry gaps that he is not gifted to fill. He needs a fellow soldier who will wield a sword alongside of him.

And if you are single and feel called to church planting, don't just wait around for a husband who feels the same way. Perhaps God wants you to take action now, to jump on board with a team of people who are praying towards the same end. You can lend your time, experience, training, education, and leadership wherever you are. The church certainly needs it.

Regardless of your circumstances, take ownership of the desire that God has written onto your female heart. Men are not the only ones who God calls to be warriors--the moment you committed to follow Christ, you became a part of a cosmic battle in which you are expected to fight. We are all soldiers together, so take hold of the call to which God is compelling you, and take up your sword. The forces of evil will quake with fear and dread if you will only rise up and respond to God's battle cry. It's time to fight like a girl.

I Am a Rose of Sharon

2008-07-10T07:40:00.006-05:00

One day when I was a little girl, I asked my parents why they chose my name and what it meant. My mom told me she had found the name in a book, and the meaning given for it was "princess." I subsequently spent my entire growing up years believing that my name meant "princess," and feeling pretty darn special because of it.

Until the fateful day when I googled it. Either the book was wrong or my mom was lying to me, but my name does NOT mean princess. Here is the actual definition for the name Sharon:

It is of Hebrew origin, and its meaning is "a fertile plain". Biblical place name: refers to flat land at the foot of Mount Carmel.

In other words, my name refers to a giant pile of dirt. Not princess.

This point is driven home all the more when we read it within its context in Song of Solomon. It reads:

"I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys." (2:1)

All this time I thought that this verse was a compliment, an old-timey way of saying that someone was beautiful. But in reality, it is quite the opposite. It is a way of describing someone as being common or average. They are but an ordinary flower of the plain, a lily just like all the others in the valley.

To the left you can see what the Rose of Sharon flower looks like. There is nothing stand out about it. It isn't ugly, but it isn't particularly special. No one ever gives someone Roses of Sharon for an anniversary or birthday. It's not that type of flower.

Given this information, my namesake seems somewhat fitting. How many times have I felt like a common lily among orchids, roses, and tulips! That is the message our culture frequently conveys--if you are not tall, thin, cute, busty, and well-dressed, then you are plain-Jane average and no one will give you a second glance. You're nothing but a Rose of Sharon.

I've also felt this way in the wake of broken relationships. Following a number of break-ups, my exes moved on to date other girls almost right away. And when this happened, I felt like little more than a notch in their belts. I was just one girl among many. I wasn't special at all--just one lily among thousands just like me.

Song of Solomon therefore provides us with a tremendous insight into the female mind. It comforts the female heart with the knowledge that when you feel that way, you are not alone! It is a very common mindset for women, and perhaps one of the primary ways that Satan attacks us. After all, God created us to reflect His beauty, so what better way to undermine the glory of God than to cast seeds of doubt about the truth of our beauty? No, you are not alone in feeling this way.

But what is even more wonderful about this passage is the lover's response to his beloved. When she belittles her beauty, claiming that she is nothing but a plain lily of the valley, her lover replies, "Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens."

Guys, you better be taking notes, because that is the perfect response! In contrast with her self-perception he speaks truth into her heart, telling her that she's a lily among thorns, a flower so beautiful and rare that she puts all other flowers to shame. They look like weeds in comparison.

Even though this is an ancient love story using language that is foreign to our modern sensibilities, there is truth in these verses for all of us. First this story reminds us to settle for nothing less than the courtship it describes. Don't allow a guy to treat you like a lily of the valley, using your body or your attention like he might use any other girl. Wait for the man who sees you as the lily among thorns that you are. And it's not enough for him to say it--he must demonstrate it with his actions. Does he treat you in a way that sets you apart? Does he guard your purity and speak about you in a way that is honoring? Does he hold you in high esteem as the precious treasure that you are?

But more importantly, this verse must be read within a larger context. Throughout the history of the Church, Song of Solomon has been interpreted as an allegory for God's love for us. God pursues us and ravishes us in what can only be described as the greatest love story ever told. And given that fact, we must remember that when the lover defends the beauty and honor of his beloved, God does the same for us.

Ladies, not one of us is common. Not one of us is ordinary or plain. God did not create ordinary or plain, because He only created those things which reflect His character, a character that is beautiful, magnificent, awe-inspiring, and good.

He also created each one of us to be different--each one of us has something unique to offer the world, which is why he designed each one of us so personally and intimately--He had a specific purpose in mind. That said, you are never a lily among many, because there isn't a single lily in all of creation that is like you.

So the next time you feel like an average Rose of Sharon, or a common lily of the valley, stop and listen to the words that God is whispering into your heart: "Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens." You are His darling.

The Martyr Complex

2008-07-07T13:28:00.007-05:00

Several years ago I got into one of those messy, girl versus girl situations in which I was intentionally excluded from my friend group. I won't go into the details, but let's just say it was ugly. I lost sleep, I lost weight, and I was depressed as a result. My self-esteem suffered horribly, and it took me a long time before I got over it. Even now, I sometimes think about those girls and feel angry, years later.

When I was going through all of that, I found a lot of solice in my relationship with Christ. I looked at his life and I saw that he was rejected too. Jesus had also been rejected by his friends, and at a time when he needed them most. Jesus knew how I was feeling, and that knowledge comforted me. In being rejected, I was actually in good company. In fact, my rejection made me even more like Christ, I thought.

That is one of the beautiful things about the Gospel. It provides us with light and hope when our circumstances are darkest. When we feel most alone, we remember that the savior of the world, God's perfect son, was also scorned by those he cared for most. And when we remember this, we feel less lonely.

What a comfort in a world that frequently betrays us! Even our Christian friends will let us down and hurt us. Sometimes intentionally. And in those moments, the Gospel speaks a prophetic message of redemption and strength.

However, there are times when we twist this Gospel message to say something that it does not. Christians adopt a kind of martyr complex in which they will take any form of rejection as spiritual validation. If people hate me, then I must be doing something right because people hated Jesus. If my church disagrees with me, then my theology is probably correct since the religious rulers of Jesus' day disagreed with him too. We see ourselves as a kind of valiant martyr that is resisting the powers that be in the name of Christ.

The problem with this thinking is that it easily allows us to deceive ourselves. Instead of examining the nature of our rejection, we immediately exalt ourselves as being all the more Christlike. Nevermind that your friends may be distancing themselves from you because you have an anger problem, and nevermind that your church asked you to leave because you were committing adultery--you were rejected, and you are therefore in the company of Christ!

This can happen when we confuse rejection with church discipline. If someone is preaching heresy, or engaging in unrepentant sin, then it is the church's prerogative to exercise church discipline on behalf of the larger body. If the individual refuses to change, then Scripture is clear on this point--we are to remove the yeast from the dough before it ruins the entire batch. And assuming the discipline is handled in a loving, Scriptural way, this kind of "rejection" does not put the individual in the company of Christ. In fact, it's somewhat the opposite.

That said, beware of Christians who are always talking about how they don't fit in with other Christians and have been rejected by the church. While it is entirely possible that they've been treated unfairly, it's also possible that they are consumed by a poisonous individualism that leads them to rebel against godly authority. Question why they have been rejected, and see if it holds up with Scripture. Rejection is never a virtue in and of itself.

And in your own life, don't be so quick to make yourself a martyr. If someone treats you poorly or rejects you in some way, first consider if you have done anything to provoke it. Perhaps you were a bad friend, perhaps you were caught in a lie, or you have a reputation for gossiping. Or perhaps you are living or teaching in a way that undermines Scripture and sound doctrine. No matter the situation, remember that the Church is the Spirit-infused Body of Christ, placed on earth to discern and edify Jesus' followers. Given that fact, I would not be so quick to consider my rejection from it as a badge of honor. At times, yes (Martin Luther can attest to that!) but frequently it is our pride that will not allow us to be wrong.

Some rejection is unscriptural, and we must name it as such, but those abuses should not disqualify all forms of "rejection" as being antithetical to Christ. Remember, Jesus himself told us that some will hear the un-inclusive words "Depart from me, I do not know you." Will we have the humility to discern when rejection is wrong, and when we have earned it? What's more, will we choose to bear the burden of reconciliation on our own shoulders, rather than pointing a finger of blame at someone else? That action on our own part, not rejection from others, is what puts us in the company of Christ.

Equally Yoked?

2008-07-01T23:10:00.006-05:00

What is spiritual leadership?

This is a question about which there has been a great deal of confusion among Christians. We all know that we need to date guys who can lead us spiritually, and we also know that we are to date people with whom we are equally yoked. The problem is that these two elements are not always discussed in conjunction with one another. We are not viewing them as two equally important aspects of a dating relationship, aspects that hold one another in a complementary tension.

For many women, we subconsciously interpret "equally yoked" to mean: "as spiritually mature as me, or more mature if possible." That is, we want to date someone as mature as we are, but we would prefer someone who is more mature. Why? Because he needs to lead you, and he can probably do that best if he's already more mature than you are.

As a result of this mentality, you will sometimes see couples in which the husband is clearly more mature than the wife. It's not that the wife is immature in her faith, but she's not nearly as passionate about studying Scripture or theology as her husband. She doesn't desire the same amount of knowledge that he has. After all, he's supposed to be the spiritual leader in the relationship, so why not leave that stuff to him?

The problem with this kind of relationship is that it fulfills one Scriptural requirement, while ignoring the other--yes, the man is leading spiritually, but are the two equally yoked? Not necessarily.

Spiritual leadership does not necessarily mean that the husband is significantly more mature than his wife. If he is, then the two are not really equally yoked. What's more, the man is actually doing himself a disservice because he has not married someone who can REALLY challenge him. While he may be the spiritual leader in the relationship, it is likely that he will grow less because he is not married to a woman who has the capacity to push him the way he needs.

That said, spiritual leadership does not mean that the husband spiritually dominates his wife. On the contrary, it simply means that the man works harder. He's got to step up, think ahead, anticipate, pray for wisdom, and humble himself, because being a spiritual leader has nothing to do with spiritual superiority--it has to do with fulfilling a role. If a man leads a woman who is just as solid as he is, then it's going to be challenging for him to be the leader, but he'll grow tremendously because of it.

With that in mind, men and women both have a challenge before them. Men, don't allow spiritual leadership to be your only criteria in choosing a girl. Even if she's a nice Christian girl, it's not enough to know that you can lead her. Make sure you two are equally yoked as well. Make sure she is at the same place as you spiritually so that she is sure to challenge you, rather than pulling you down to her level.

And ladies, don't be afraid to push yourselves. Not only are you doing yourself a service by pursuing God with radical ferocity, but you are serving your husbands as well. Remember, it takes iron to sharpen iron, so we cannot sharpen our husbands if we ourselves are not made of the right material.

Date a spiritual leader? Yes. But be equally yoked as well. Never have one without the other.

Ethics in the University...or the Lack Thereof

2008-06-30T07:48:00.006-05:00

If you ever get a chance to visit Duke University, walk through the grass in front of the chapel until you find a plaque that sits about 75 yards away from the chapel steps. The plaque contains the school's mission statement--what the founders of the school intended for the university and the students. It reads as follows:

The aims of Duke University are to assert the eternal union of knowledge and religion set forth in the teachings and character of Jesus Christ, the Son of God; to advance learning in all lines of Truth; to defend scholarship against all false notions and ideals; to develop a Christian love of freedom and Truth; to promote a sincere spirit of tolerance; to discourage all partisan and sectarian strife; and to render the largest permanent service to the individual, the state, the nation, and the Church. Unto these ends shall the affairs of this University always be administered.

Given the time period (1920's), this statement is not surprising. In fact, many of our country's first universities were founded for the purpose of educating Christian ministers. Even after the university became a place for more general liberal arts study, it was still a location for the creation of model citizens. Higher education wasn't merely about disseminating information, but molding students into leaders with a clear moral compass.

Sadly, those days are long gone. One doesn't have to spend much time on a college campus to discern how dramatically things have changed. Not only are secular universities not offering classes that intentionally seek to shape students into ethical beings, and not only are professors refusing to take any definitive stance on what is right or wrong, but the students are furthering the educational-ethical divide by the nature of their lifestyles.

Until recently, it never struck me how ironic the college experience has become. My fellow students and I would study great philosophers, scientists and brilliant thinkers who changed the world with their leadership and innovation. Then, after hearing these inspirational stories about the power of the mind and the possibilities before us, my classmates walked right out the door to get completely wasted. Women seeking to improve their minds, aspiring to be lawyers, doctors and leaders in our country, were simultaneously prancing around campus with hardly any clothing on, hooking up with random guys just to get attention. Men who wanted to be politicians and CEO's engaged in mind-numbingly dumb fraternity rituals and pranks, all for the sake of fitting in.

Go to almost any college party, and you will see exceptional people intentionally debasing themselves, spitting on the gifts and resources with which God blessed them. For many, that is what the college experience has become. It has devolved into a 4 year free-for-all in which anything goes, education being a secondary priority. Rarely do students stop to consider that there might be a connection between their education and their lifestyle.

Well I write all of this today for two reasons, the first being that, because of the huge disconnect between education and ethics in the university today, Christians are presented with a unique opportunity to stand out. The university culture has become so hedonistic that Christians students have to do very little to distinguish themselves. The darkness is so pervasive that even a dim bulb will cast light. Imagine what a blazing torch could do!

But the main reason I bring up this point is that the divide between knowledge and lifestyle is not limited to the university. As easy as it is to point fingers at secular academia, Christians are frequently no better. We learn and we learn and we learn--we go to church, weekly prayer meetings, Bible studies, discipleship, service projects, etc. But our lives look no different than the rest. We often forget that there is a connection between the things that we learn and the life that we live. We forget that knowledge isn't for the purpose of puffing us up intellectually, but humbling us and molding us into holy disciples.

So the next time you step onto a college campus and you see women ignoring the empowerment of their education to instead pander for a boy's attention, remember that we Christians do the same. We ignore the freedom we have in Christ and the meaning such freedom has for our lives, to instead live the life we desire now. The question is, are we going to be different, and are we going to do what's necessary to protect the Church from the fate of the American university?

That Soapbox Called "A Blog"

2008-06-24T19:52:00.007-05:00

Let me begin by saying that I recognize the irony and potential for hypocrisy in what I am about to write. Nevertheless, I think this needs to be said, so hopefully I won't disprove my own point. Here goes...

Yesterday I was listening to one of Mark Driscoll's sermons, and in the course of preaching he made a hyperbolic statement for the sake of demonstrating a point. He immediately followed up the statement by adding, "That was a joke! I didn't really mean that, so all you bloggers can go ahead and shut your laptops now."

What struck me about his disclaimer is that it's not the first one I've heard lately. Frequently my own pastor will try to stave off the mean e-mails and angry blogs that might ensue a controversial point by anticipating their possible misinterpretations. I've heard other pastors and podcasters do the same.

Clearly, they've all learned to beware the wrath of the blogosphere.

It is here that I must question whether such a trend is godly. When our pastors are constantly worried that their words might be lifted from their context, twisted, and publicly berated by other Christians (not even non-Christians!) then I think we've come to a place that is fundamentally opposed to the spirit of the Gospel.

This point hit me as I read over Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 4. Paul was facing a similar climate of criticism from the Corinthian church. Even though they had Paul to thank for their very existence, they didn't hesitate to bite the hand that fed them. As a result, Paul had to defend his credibility before his own church, in much the same way that pastors are forced to defend themselves today.

But what exactly is going on here? Why are Christians back-biting one another, and why have blogs facilitated this all the more?

The reason for this trend is twofold, the first being our own prideful hearts. Paul makes this point when he establishes a distinction between types of judgment. Some judgment is warranted, but some stems only from our own selfish motives. In chapter 5, for example, a man was sleeping with his father's wife, so Paul called the Christians to exercise judgment. In this case, such judgment was permissible due to the man's blatant disobedience of Scripture.

Paul, on the other hand, was fulfilling his God-given call to preach the Gospel. Even so, he received criticism and judgment from his brothers and sisters, and it is within this context that Paul forbids judgment. Why? Because they were trying to judge his heart. Judging a person's actions are one thing, but it is difficult to know another person's heart, so we must be VERY wary of making such a move.

So often we will criticize Christians, preachers, or churches who are out doing the Lord's work, but not the exact way we think they should be doing it. As a result, we get up on our high horse and make assumptions about the state of their heart, nit-picking every single mistake and highlighting those mistakes for all to see. We forget Paul's words, "Whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice." (Phil. 4:18) We refuse to rejoice in the preaching of the Gospel, and instead undermine those who do.

Only very rarely is such criticism actually warranted, so speaking from my own sin and my own temptation to engage in this type of unholy judgment, I feel confident in asserting that it comes from prideful arrogance. We are doing little more than reverting back to the childish strategy of tearing others down so as to build ourselves up.

But the second reason blogs have become such a popular tool for harsh criticism is the anonymity of the form. We post a blog and then send it hurdling into cyberspace, never really witnessing its effects. We don't really know who is reading it or how seriously they are believing our words. Because of this, we underestimate the power of our writing. In reality, we are engaging in the public slander of a fellow laborer in Christ.

And in case you don't blog, don't think you're off the hook. Gossiping about someone you don't know or slandering a pastor you'll never meet does not justify your comments or somehow make them less sinful. Slander is slander no matter how you spin it. When it comes to matters of the heart we must "judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes." (1 Cor. 4:5)

So in defense of the many preachers, pastors, writers and teachers who are out there leading, praying, and suffering for the sake of the Gospel, guard your tongue. Not only do they deserve more respect than we bloggers often give them, but God's precious Bride, the Church, demands it.

The Unending Battle over Body Image

2008-06-21T07:39:00.009-05:00

Right now I'm in Atlanta hanging out with my 10 year old cousin, and we've been having a blast! We've gone to Stone Mountain Park, Lake Lanier Water Park, and last night we had a "Camp Rock" sleepover with one of her friends.

(In case you don't know what "Camp Rock" is, it's a movie that debuted on Disney last night starring the Jonas Brothers. And if you don't know who the Jonas Brothers are, then you are hopelessly uncool and I'm afraid I can't help you.)

My cousin and uncle live in a suburb of Atlanta that is so idyllic it makes me feel like I'm living in the 50's. All the houses are perfect with nicely manicured lawns, all the kids are friends with each other, all the parents hang out together, and they all go to the same school (which also happens to be amazing--it's nice and it's safe and the teachers are wonderful). Oh, and everyone is pretty...even the dads.

And that's exactly why I've always loved coming here to visit. It's always been the kind of place I wanted to raise my family. However, I'm starting to wonder if it's not quite as perfect as I always thought. I've started to notice something during this trip that I hadn't noticed before. It first grabbed my attention a couple days ago at my cousin's swim meet, and I haven't stopped thinking about it since...

I was standing near the pool waiting for my cousin's race to begin, when I noticed three women standing in front of me. What caught my attention was that they all pretty much looked the same--thin, athletic, toned bodies, blond hair, manicured hands and feet, and cute outfits. From the back, they almost looked like teenagers--but they were in their late 30's or early 40's.

As I observed these women I started to feel a little insecure about myself. Not only were they in better shape than I am, but I wondered if I'd be able to make my body look like that after I'd had kids. These women didn't look like they'd actually given birth to human children! They instead had the bodies of 18 year old girls.

Well I decided to start looking around at the other people nearby so that I would stop feeling so insecure about myself, but to my dismay I saw exactly the same thing. Actually that's a lie--some of the women were brunettes. But they were all skinny, toned, and cute. There were a couple women who had, well, women's bodies, but they were the exception to the rule.

At first I thought, "Is this what lies ahead for me? Does the quest for model-like bodies never end?" But then I comforted myself with the idea, "This probably isn't normal. I bet it's just this neighborhood. Surely there can't be many communities like this one."

I was wrong.

The next day my cousin and I went to the water park, and I saw more moms with breast enhancements than I ever thought possible. They were as skinny as rails and you could see the muscle tone in their stomachs. Again, not all of the women looked like this, but there were enough of them to be noticeable. After all, this wasn't Los Angeles--this was an Atlanta suburb! What is going on here??

Well I think I found a possible explanation...

USA Today recently ran a story revealing that more and more women over 30 are struggling with eating disorders. It explains, "Eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia have long been considered diseases of the young, but experts say in recent years more women have been seeking help in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and older." The article then cited the following distressing statistics:

In the Minneapolis suburb of St. Louis Park, Park Nicollet Health Services' Eating Disorders Institute saw 43 patients ages 38 and older in 2003 — about 9% of its total patients. For the first six months of this year (2007), the institute has treated nearly 500 patients 38 and older, about 35% of its total.

The Renfrew Center, a network of treatment centers in the eastern U.S., said about 20% of the 522 patients treated at its Philadelphia center in 2005 were 30 or older. In 2006, about 13% of the 600 patients were in that age group.

Body image is no longer the concern of teenage girls alone. Women of all ages are feeling pressure to look a certain way and to fit a particular mold. And it's no wonder! It's not as though you spend years feeling a certain way about your body, and then suddenly wake up one day feeling fine. In fact, the pressure is bound to get worse as your body fights the effects of age. If you give in to your insecurities now, and if you believe the lies that society tells women about their bodies, then you are sentencing yourself to a losing battle.

Now it's not as though I think that all women are doomed to be overweight once they have children, so we should embrace obesity. It's important for us to take care of our bodies, eat healthy, exercise, and maintain our beauty as a gift to our husbands.

BUT, there is also a degree to which we should celebrate our bodies the way God made us. The fact of the matter is that having children requires us to sacrifice our bodies. We'll get stretch marks and we'll gain weight in areas we never gained weight before. Our bodies will bear the marks of bringing a new life into the world.

Yet those marks that we so despise are actually marks of beauty! God created the gift of life, and women get to serve a blessed role in that process, so whatever God calls good, we must also call good. Fight the message that our culture sends women to look a certain way. Take care of your bodies, yes, but rejoice in the journey of life, and all the sags, bags and bulges it brings along with it. Our culture may reject those signs of aging as being ugly and undesirable, but Scripture reminds us that "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

*In case you'd like to read the whole USA Today article that I cited above, you can check it out here.

Hey, Someone Wrote "Gullible" on the Ceiling!

2008-06-17T08:03:00.004-05:00

I prefer to think of myself as a sharp, intuitive young woman who has her wits about her and isn't easily taken in by scams, jokes or pranks.

I prefer to think that. But I do so in conflict with reality.

In actuality, I am embarrassingly gullible. Let me give you just one example of my most recent display of gullibility.

It was a couple weeks after my birthday when I received the following e-mail. The subject heading read, "Cease and Desist...sayeth the Lord," and it read as follows:

Dear Sharon,

I don't know who you think you are, but this is a little creepy. I just registered a website domain www.sheworships.com, and my name is Sharon too. If you want, I'll sell it to you for $1500. It's a pretty good deal if you ask me.

Good luck with your blog and feel free to contact my lawyer concerning any legal issues of your continuing use of my trademarked ministry, She Worships™. His number is 917-270-****. Expect a courier to serve you papers on this issue in the next day or so.

Blessings,
Sharon

Well I didn't know what this was all about, so I started panicking. My parents were in Canada so I called my brother, Stephen, for advice. He told me I should call the number and just see what the lawyer said. Maybe he would clear everything up?

But that sounded horribly intimidating, so I e-mailed my pastor instead. He serves as my stand-in dad from time to time, so I asked his opinion. But before I even heard back from him I mustered up the courage to call the lawyer and hope for the best. I was literally quaking in my boots as the phone rang.

After a couple of rings a voice picked up on the other line and said, "Hello, Attorney's Office." That's when something first sounded amiss--"Attorney's Office?" What reputable firm would answer the phone without giving its actual name? So I proceeded to explain my situation, listening a little more critically to the voice on the other line.

Eventually I became more and more certain that I'd heard this voice before. As soon as I was absolutely sure, I said, "Stephen????" At that moment the voice on the other line erupted with laughter. It was my brother. Then I looked at my phone and saw that I was connected to "Stephen's cell." I had called his number without even noticing.

Stephen then explained that he had purchased the domain name for my birthday, and thought the e-mail would be a fun way to tell me. He had no idea it would take me that long to figure it out. And while I can look back on the whole thing and laugh, at the time I was very shaken. Even though I was grateful, I was fairly upset with him until I calmed down from the anxiety of it all.

In light of this information, go back and read the e-mail again. That's how gullible I am.

Now what does any of this have to do with the Christian life? Well I wonder if you know that Scripture openly frowns on my kind of naiveté. It's not that being gullible is sinful, but the Bible does warn against it. It tells us:

A simple man believes anything, but a prudent man gives thought to his steps. (Prov. 14:15)

There it is--Scripture calling me out on my personality trait. I always thought of my gullibility as a less than desirable attribute, but certainly not a spiritually dangerous quality. This verse, however, has compelled me to rethink that stance.

When I look back on my life, I have made some really bad decisions because I was so foolishly naive. The first thing that comes to mind is my naiveté in relationships--a guy would tell me that he'd "never felt this way about a girl," or that he would "never let me go." And while I don't doubt his sincerity, I didn't pause to ask whether he could make those statements with any credibility. How did I know he wasn't simply infatuated? And how could he know that he wanted to be with me forever if we'd only known one another for a couple months?

But this gullibility can play out in other ways as well. Your friends may tell you that certain behaviors are right or wrong, even using Scripture to justify their statements, but that doesn't mean you should believe them:

"It's ok to gossip about this person because we care about them and want to help them."

"It's ok to spend your money on excessive luxuries as long as your heart isn't attached to them."

"It's ok to go see this Rater R movie, even if it borders on soft porn, because we need to have a pulse on the culture."

We accept these statements from our friends, never pushing them to see if they actually hold up. And it's at times like these that we need to remember Proverbs---only the simple believe everything they hear, but a prudent person gives thought to their steps.

So while you might not be as blatantly gullible as I am, ask yourself how often you believe statements about Scripture and the world without giving any thought to their validity. The definition of gullible is "easily deceived or cheated," so we do well to remember this as we battle an Enemy who is the Father of Lies.

Perpetua: My Kind of Woman

2008-06-14T08:21:00.008-05:00

Women's ministry today is primarily driven by emotion. It responds to our feelings of inadequacy in the face of singleness, marriage, and motherhood. It is often about helping women get through the day, keep their heads above water, survive.

But Scripture gives us a different picture of the Christian life. We are to be more than conquerors (Rom. 8:37), not merely survivors. It is a life of courage, boldness, and daring. Rather than using the Gospel to merely heal our lives, it empowers us to give our lives away, to lose them.

With that vision in mind, I offer you the story of a woman named Perpetua. She was about 22 years old when she wrote the letter you are about to read, and she was martyred in Carthage shortly after. The letter itself comes from her time in prison, and scholars estimate that she died around the year 202.

To give you the context of this letter, Perpetua had just given birth and was awaiting execution. She spent most of her time alone in a dark prison, nursing her baby. The only visitor she received was her father, who came only to persuade her to deny her faith.

Perpetua provides us with a new paradigm for women's ministry. Perpetua never saw herself as weak, and she never saw herself as a victim. She instead viewed her persecution as a blessing, an opportunity to glorify the Lord more fully. Compared to today's American norms of female discipleship, she is quite radical. Unparalleled, in fact.

This is the kind of woman I want to be. So I offer you now, the letter of our courageous sister, Perpetua:

------

"While we were still under arrest, my father out of love for me was trying to persuade me and shake my resolution. 'Father,' said I, 'do you see this vase here, for example, or waterpot or whatever?'

'Yes, I do', said he.

And I told him: 'Could it be called by any other name than what it is?'

And he said: 'No.'

'Well, so too I cannot be called anything other than what I am, a Christian.'

At this my father was so angered by the word 'Christian' that he moved towards me as though he would pluck my eyes out. But he left it at that and departed, vanquished along with his diabolical arguments.

For a few days afterwards I gave thanks to the Lord that I was separated from my father, and I was comforted by his absence. During these few days I was baptized, and I was inspired by the Spirit not to ask for any other favor after the water but simply the perseverance of the flesh. A few days later we were lodged in the prison; and I was terrified, as I had never before been in such a dark hole. What a difficult time it was! With the crowd the heat was stifling; then there was the extortion of the soldiers; and to crown all, I was tortured with worry for my baby there.

Then Tertius and Pomponius, those blessed deacons who tried to take care of us, bribed the soldiers to allow us to go to a better part of the prison to refresh ourselves for a few hours. Everyone then left that dungeon and shifted for himself. I nursed my baby, who was faint from hunger. In my anxiety I spoke to my mother about the child, I tried to comfort my brother, and I gave the child in their charge. I was in pain because I saw them suffering out of pity for me. These were the trials I had to endure for many days. Then I got permission for my baby to stay with me in prison. At once I recovered my health, relieved as I was of my worry and anxiety over the child. My prison had suddenly become a palace, so that I wanted to be there rather than anywhere else.

A few days later there was a rumor that we were going to be given a hearing. My father also arrived from the city, worn with worry, and he came to see me with the idea of persuading me.

'Daughter,' he said, 'have pity on my grey head--have pity on me your father, if I deserve to be called your father, if I have favored you above all your brothers, if I have raised you to reach this prime of your life. Do not abandon me to be the reproach of men. Think of your brothers, think of your mother and your aunt, think of your child, who will not be able to live once you are gone. Give up your pride! You will destroy all of us! None of us will ever be able to speak freely again if anything happens to you.'

This was the way my father spoke out of love for me, kissing my hands and throwing himself down before me. With tears in his eyes he no longer addressed me as his daughter but as a woman. I was sorry for my father's sake, because he alone of all my kin would be unhappy to see me suffer.

I tried to comfort him saying: 'It will all happen in the prisoner's dock as God wills; for you may be sure that we are not left to ourselves but are all in his power.'

And he left me in great sorrow.

One day while we were eating breakfast we were suddenly hurried off for a hearing. We arrived at the forum, and straight away the story went about the neighborhood near the forum and a huge crowd gathered. We walked up to the prisoner's dock. All the others when questioned admitted their guilt. Then, when it came my turn, my father appeared with my son, dragged me from the step, and said: 'Perform the sacrifice--have pity on your baby!'

Hilarianus the governor, who had received his judicial powers as the successor of the late proconsul Minucius Timinianus, said to me: 'Have pity on your father's grey head; have pity on your infant son. Offer the sacrifice for the welfare of the emperors.'

'I will not', I retorted.

'Are you a Christian?' said Hilarianus.

And I said: 'Yes, I am.'

When my father persisted in trying to dissuade me, Hilarianus ordered him to be thrown to the ground and beaten with a rod. I felt sorry for father, just as if I myself had been beaten. I felt sorry for his pathetic old age.

Then Hilarianus passed sentence on all of us: we were condemned to the beasts, and we returned to prison in high spirits.

Now the day of the contest was approaching, and my father came to see me overwhelmed with sorrow. He started tearing the hairs from his beard and threw them on the ground; he then threw himself on the ground and began to curse his old age and to say such words as would move all creation. I felt sorry for his unhappy old age.

The day before we were to fight with the beasts I saw the following vision. Pomponius the deacon came to the prison gates and began to knock violently. I went out and opened the gate for him. He was dressed in an unbelted white tunic, wearing elaborate sandals. And he said to me: 'Perpetua, come; we are waiting for you.'

---------

The rest of the letter tells of her vision. The next day she was executed. And if you ever care to read the account of her death, I assure you that she died valiantly.

Ladies, this is what we should aspire to be. This is the kind of woman that our ministries should produce. It is time for change.

Disrespect is the New Chivalry

2008-06-10T20:07:00.006-05:00

Yesterday as I sat by the pool reading, I overheard the following conversation between a guy and a girl who were sitting nearby. The young man was criticizing a friend of his who treats women badly:

"The guy talks down to her all the f---ing time! I'm sorry but I could never be such a d---head and f---ing talk to girls like that."

The girl nodded in full agreement. I imagine her heart swooned to be in the presence of such a gentleman. "Who says chivalry is dead?!" she must have thought.

Can we please back up and review that conversation? Even now I sit in amazement of how ridiculous the whole thing was. While condemning another man for supposedly treating women poorly, this guy was simultaneously showering the girl's ears with profanity. While criticizing another man for disrespecting women, he was disrespecting her.

And what's even worse is that she ate it all up! Not once did she see the hypocrisy of his actions. It never dawned on her that he was dishonoring her by speaking so obscenely. In her eyes, his passionate distaste for another man's sins was chivalry enough.

Sadly, this kind of "chivalry" pervades our culture. For another pertinent example, just look at popular song lyrics today--it's now a term of endearment when a man calls a woman his "bitch." Women feel flattered when guys ogle their bodies like pieces of meat in a butcher shop window. And it's even gotten so bad that women will excuse their husband's infidelity as long as he doesn't leave them. These women proudly state, "He may go out with those other women, but he always comes home to me!"

Seriously? Is that the best we can hope for?

The ironic thing is that women have encouraged this behavior as well. In addition to dressing in ways that provoke the exact kind of attention we should be discouraging, some women actually punish men for being gentlemen.

I will never forget the time a guy friend of mine was riding on the bus when a young women got on. There weren't any seats available, so my friend stood up and offered his seat to her. The girl's response was surprising. Instead of gratefully taking his seat, she was indignant: "I don't want your seat! It's not like I'm too weak to stand!"

This isn't the only time I've heard stories of this kind. I know numerous men who've been reprimanded by young ladies when they held the door for them. The mindset, I assume, is that men are treating women as weak, fragile, inferior beings when they condescend to offer such gestures.

This is the backwards world we live in. We have become so confused that we interpret honor as insult. Women are actually demanding disrespect as a sign of respect. Not only do we tolerate it, but we invite it.

But why?

This is a complex question that has many, many different answers, but at the heart of it all is a complete loss of our identity. Women have forgotten that they are the crowning jewel of creation, designed to glorify God with their beauty, requiring honor and respect from the men created to care for them. Women have forgotten that they were made in God's image, so they should expect men to treat them with the appropriate respect that such an image deserves.

Ladies, we must refuse to participate in a culture that renames dishonor as valor, cowardice as courage, and dominance as strength. We may twist and rationalize every misbehavior possible, but at the end of the day it is still utterly detestable to God Himself, so we must work to view the world through this lens.

And if you have a female friend who is allowing herself to be romanced with this new form of chivalry, please tell her. Remind her that God created her for more than she realizes, so she must not stand by while her beauty, and the beauty of God, are spit upon. We are better than that. And more importantly, God is better than that.

Text Message Addiction

2008-06-08T11:00:00.012-05:00

Last weekend I attended a wedding in which the guitarist was text messaging during the service.

I think we have a problem.

The practice of text messaging has taken on a whole life of its own. It's almost become a kind of sub-culture, and I am definitely guilty of buying into it. In fact, I can't keep track of the number of times I have text messaged people at borderline inappropriate moments--in class, in church, while driving (I would strongly encourage you NOT to do this one, by the way), and the list goes on.

One of the main reasons I like texting is the efficiency of it. It's much quicker to text someone a question than to call them and possibly get delayed by the niceties of proper conversation. There is no "how are you" "what have you been up to today?" "how's your family?" "how's your job?" etc. It's just straight forward, to the point, I get what I want right away.

It's also extremely impersonal.

Text messaging allows us to minimize the relational aspect of communication. We want what we want now, without having to give of ourselves to get it. We don't want to waste time on the stuff that "doesn't matter" and get straight to the meat of things.

Does it sound to you like something is amiss? Are we possibly overlooking something that God mght have written into the very nature of conversation--relationships??

But in addition to the fact that text messaging is corroding the relational aspect of our culture, it's also feeding our need for instant gratification information. As soon as my cell phone buzzes, I HAVE to know who is texting me. I can't wait to pick it up and read the message. And I have to text them back immediately, as if it is the most urgent message in the world. Which makes me wonder, why am I so obsessively tied to my cell phone? Why do I have to be at its beckon call every moment of the day?

But text messaging is really only symptomatic of a larger cultural phenomenon that we must really keep in check: we prefer to have relationship with machines instead of people.

Just think for a moment--how much time do you spend on the computer each day? How much time do you spend in front of the tv? And how much time do you spend text messaging?

Now compare that with how much quality time you spent with friends, family, and most importantly God. Do they even compare? And in case you think I'm exaggerating, have you ever been distracted from a conversation with someone because you were texting someone else, or because the person with whom you were speaking was also texting another person? Even when we are physically with other human beings, we're still not actually WITH them because our attention is profoundly tied to our phones.

We live in a world that ranks efficiency over intimacy. We would rather get the job done than get to know the people we are working with. We would rather keep our attention constantly fed than to do the hard work of being patient and getting to know others better. And we would rather keep people at a safe distance--conversing with them through phones, IM, e-mail, even the self checkout line--than making ourselves vulnerable by letting them close.

So while this is not a call to stop text messaging altogether, it is a call to monitor the frequency of your actions, and think about what they indicate. Do your actions indicate to your friends that you'd rather be somewhere else, and that you're not really present with them? Do your actions reinforce a kind of A.D.D. need for constant stimulation and information? Do your actions cause you to be rude, thoughtless or at times disrespectful to the Lord Himself because of your need to be doing a thousand things at once, without every doing any of them truly well?

What culture are you feeding into? What mindset are you cementing in yourself? Think about that the next time you're tempted to text someone during that boring class you hate, or the worship service you attend. Text messaging is not, in itself, wrong, but keep in mind that God created us to live in community (hence the Church) so we must be cautious not to short-circuit such a vital support network. Text messaging may not seem like much, but as Solomon reminded us, it is the little foxes that ruin the vineyard.

(By the way, this post was NOT written in response to the two people who texted me during church this morning. You know who you are, but the timing is purely coincidental. :) )

Because I Can't Say Enough About Dating...

2008-06-05T14:15:00.009-05:00

I'm starting to feel like one of those dating advice columnists. It seems like I spend so much time talking about dating, but I really do think it's warranted. Not that dating is the be all and the end all of life, but some of my biggest mistakes thus far have taken place in dating relationships, so I hope that my experiences can help you navigate the pitfalls of this tricky business.

(Maybe I should start a blog called "Ask Sharon." Haha!)

In the past, I've talked about dating and marriage as a kind of "tool" for ministry--I want to be a better minister WITH my spouse than I was without them. And this paradigm was actually set for us with Adam and Eve--Eve helped Adam in his dominion over creation, and he did a better job because of her....at least that was God's original intention.

Even now, I stick by that standard whole-heartedly, and I think all Christians should factor it into their thought process as they consider someone for marriage. BUT, I recently heard a simpler version of this approach that I really like, if for no other reason than it is straight to the point. I think you will find it to be helpful as well, and it goes as follows:

Am I more or less admirable now than when I was single?

The person who shared this dating barometer with me explained, "With a lot of the girls I dated, I felt that I was a more admirable person before I met them." As a single guy, he spent his time and thought life in ways that were more pleasing to God and gained the respect of those around him.

But when he started dating the wrong girls, all that started to slip away. Suddenly he was sacrificing his ministry and friendships to spend more time with his girlfriend. What's more, his prayer life was hampered by the shame he felt due to the physical side of his dating relationship. As a result, his relationship with God and his friends suffered.

Perhaps you've been in the same situation. And if you have, I would bet you could see it on your friends' faces--suddenly the friendship is not what it used to be. You can't put your finger on it, but there's tension, there's frustration, and there are walls where there weren't walls before. You can tell that your friends respect you a little less than they used to.

But a Christ-centered relationship should do the opposite. It should inspire you to love God and your friends better. It should simultaneously anchor you and liberate you to live life more effectively.

I know that phrase sounds like a bit of a paradox, but both components, anchoring and liberating, should be present in a healthy relationship. You should be anchored by the peace of knowing you are within God's will for you, thereby protecting you from the emotional storms of a self-absorbed relationship. A Christ-centered relationship should create greater peace in your life, not greater uncertainty, anxiety or confusion.

If you are not in an anchoring relationship, one of the first two things that suffers is your relationship with God and your friends. Because your dating relationship is rocky, it consumes your thought life--it's all you can think about, and it's all you talk about. Plus, it takes you away from your friends because you're constantly with your significant other, patching up the latest drama. In this way, you need a relationship that anchors you, not only for your own emotional benefit, but because of the greater implications it will have on those around you.

But in addition to being anchored, a Christ-centered relationship should also liberate you to serve God and others, knowing that you don't always have to be with your boyfriend all the time since the relationship is in God's hands.

What's more, your bf should inspire you to serve such that you feel MORE connected to him when you're serving God, even when you're not with him. This is a bit counter-intuitive, but there is a degree to which you can foster greater intimacy by serving apart, as opposed to spending lots of time together, but time that is wasted just sitting around playing Guitar hero, watching Grey's Anatomy, and making out.

So all of that to say, look for someone who will make you more admirable than you already are. And if you're in a relationship now, ask yourself, "Am I more admirable than I was as a single person." For the sake of your dating relationship, your relationship with God, and your relationship with your friends, I would encourage you to make sure the answer to that question is a resounding "yes!"

No Soup For You!

2008-06-02T08:37:00.018-05:00

Have you ever written one of those angry e-mails in the heat of the moment that you later lived to regret? At the time, it's as if you can't write fast enough--you have all these brilliantly searing statements guaranteed to put the offender in their place, and you can't WAIT to nail them.

The funny thing is that even while you're writing the e-mail, you probably know you'll regret it later. But you just can't help yourself! There is only one thing that will satisfy that desire for revenge and vindication, and you'll do whatever it takes to fulfill that need.

Well it is in those moments, when I trade the riches of my honor and integrity for a petty, short-lived treasure, that I find myself relating profoundly to Esau. For years I read the story of that stupid brute who was so hungry that he sold his birthright for a bowl of soup. And I always thought, "What an idiot! I mean seriously, who would do that?"

But I do the same thing every day! For temporary satisfaction, for instant gratification, I sell the birth right I have in Christ. I sell my freedom and my integrity, all for a lousy bowl of soup.

With that in mind, I thought I'd list a few of the "soups" you might encounter in the buffet line of life, as well as the birthright you forfeit upon tasting them. Hopefully it will help you as much as it's helped me in identifying my inner Esau:

The Soup: Seeking the praise of Man--Sometimes we need a self-esteem boost, and we'll do whatever it takes to get it. Maybe we'll complain about how ugly or stupid we are until someone intervenes with, "Aww that's not true. You're beautiful! You're so smart!" Or maybe we'll go to greater extremes, changing the way we dress or the way we interact with people, so that we can garner the attention we need.

The Birthright: When we run to others for security, instead of depending on God, then we forfeit our identities in Christ. Christ has set us free from needing Man's approval, but when we seek attention from others then we place ourselves back in that bondage. We also risk forfeiting our modesty if we choose to dress or act in a way that will draw guys' attention.

------

The Soup: Building ourselves up at someone else's expense--We always want to seem like we are in the know and that we have it all together. This often seems easiest to achieve by tearing others down through gossip, or even saying hurtful things directly to their face. Sometimes telling someone off can feel awfully satisfying in the moment.

The Birthright: When doing this, you forfeit your integrity, your reputation, and your relationship with the person you are tearing down. You might feel better in the short-term, but the long-term damage is sometimes irreparable.

------

The Soup: Sexual intimacy outside of marriage--We've all been there before. It's late at night and your boyfriend is really attractive and you've been kissing a lot and you want to go further and further. You know you'll regret it in the morning, but you have to have that pleasure now.

The Birthright: When you partake of this soup, you forfeit your modesty, your purity, and most of all your relationship with your boyfriend. Your are planting seeds of destruction into your relationship because you are trading away the respect, self-control, and God-honoring love that a Christ-centered relationship require.

------

The Soup: Shopping--I know I talk about this a lot, but it's something that God's been convicting me about lately so it's at the forefront of my mind. But oftentimes we buy things simply to make ourselves feel better--if I don't have these shoes NOW, if I don't have that iPod NOW, then I won't be happy until I do. So we buy things to temporarily fill a void.

The Birthright: There are a lot of things you can forfeit here, depending on what your particular shopping vice may be. First and foremost, you are forfeiting your contentment in Christ, and replacing that relationship with something material. You are depending on what you own or how you look to satisfy your needs. But you are also forfeiting the opportunity to bless others. When we use our money extravagantly, then we take money away from the church and from the needy. That is not to say that you should never buy yourself something nice, but if this becomes an addictive habit, then it can drain your financial resources very quickly, and prevent you from using your money in God-honoring ways.

So there you have it--four of the soups we hastily consume, and the birthrights we subsequently forfeit. I'm sure you can think of others. But the most salient reality about all of these soups is that they each constitute a form of idolatry. We choose something immediate over God's long-term blessings, and in doing so we choose to worship and follow something other than Him.

So the next time you read the story of Jacob and Esau, just remember that we've all got a little bit of Esau inside of us. The idea of trading a bowl of soup for an entire birthright may seem pretty ludicrous, but keep that in mind when you're tempted to trade the birthright bought for you in Christ. To do so is the definition of insanity.

Physics According to a Religion Major

2008-05-28T21:35:00.003-05:00

If you ever go to my facebook page, you'll find I belong to a group called, "I Picked a Major I Like, and One Day I Will Probably Be Living in a Box." The name of this group about sums up my dad's sentiments when I told him I had decided to major in Religion.

And not only did I major in Religion, but I deliberately avoided all the classes that would have equipped me for high paying jobs. I hate math and science with an intensity that is beyond compare, so I opted out of taking math altogether (so long econ and stats!), and I took the minimum requirement of science classes (no pre-med for me!).

And what science classes did I take? Well one of them is affectionately referred to as "Rocks for Jocks." I sat on the same row as the entire Duke basketball team, and I got an A without so much as breaking a sweat. Not exactly Organic Chemistry.

My parents probably thought I was actively trying NOT to get a job when I graduated.

Now the reason I am giving you all of this information is that I am about to make a statement that is blatantly scientifically inaccurate. Any person who's taken even basic high school Physics knows that this statement is false. But I'm making this statement as a Religion major, not a Physics major, so I wanted to preface my words with that disclaimer. Now here it is:

The speed of sound is faster than the speed of light.

I stumbled upon this statement in a book I've recently been reading, and I think it's brilliant. From a scientific standpoint, it makes no sense at all, but read in another light, the light of faith, it is a telling description of the Christian experience.

The book I am reading is entitled "Nine Marks of a Healthy Church" by Mark Dever, and in this particular passage he is talking about the centrality of Scripture. He is explaining that all of God's teachings and promises are found within the Bible, so we must labor to keep God's Word at the center of our faith.

What, then, does he mean by the above statement? After all, anyone who's ever sat through a thunderstorm knows that you see the lightening before you hear the thunder. Scientifically speaking, the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound.

But that's not what Dever was talking about. He was instead referring to a different kind of sound and light: the hearing of God's promises (sound), and the witnessing of their fulfillment (light).

You see, God makes a lot of promises in the Bible, but it often takes awhile for us to see them. That is to say, we hear God's promises before we see them come to pass. So according to God's chronology, the speed of sound is oftentimes faster than the speed of light.

And we see this principle all throughout Scripture. God promises to make Abraham's descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky, but he and Sarah are old in age before they have their first child. God promises the Israelites a land flowing with milk and honey, but it is decades before they get to see it. And God promises the Israelites a Messiah, but is is hundreds of years before Jesus enters the seen. And even then, he is not at all what they imagined.

Having said that, I want to encourage you with this reminder: Wherever you are in life right now, if you feel as though God has forgotten you, or nothing seems to be going right, remember that the speed of sound is faster than the speed of light. We can look in Scripture and find countless promises for God's people, promises that were not fulfilled until long after their hearing, but they were nevertheless fulfilled.

So just because you haven't seen the fulfillment of God's promises for your life, family, job or ministry does not mean the fulfillment isn't coming. If there's one thing we can learn from the stories in the Bible, it's that God ALWAYS makes good on His promises. He may take longer than we would prefer, but we can count on His faithfulness every time.

At least that's my Religion Major take on things. But don't take it from me--I might be living in a box one day.

Gateway Sin

2008-05-27T08:30:00.009-05:00

I don't know about you, but I've always thought of self-control as a matter of do or don't. We shouldn't do this or that because it is wrong, so we need to exercise self-control in the face of temptation. So if you do this and don't do that, all the way Jesus asks you to, then you've got self-control. End of story.

Well I stumbled onto a verse the other day that has challenged me to think of self-control in a whole new light. It comes from Proverbs 25:28 and it reads as follows:

A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls. (ESV)

At first I thought this was a surprising comparison. A city without walls? According to this analogy, self-control is about more than acting rightly. It is actually a mode of self-protection. Like a city without walls that is left vulnerable to any kind of attack, a lack of self-control leaves us vulnerable to the temptations and pitfalls of this world. Without it, we are sitting ducks waiting to be clobbered.

But what I found even more telling was the following portion of the verse: "a city broken into and left without walls." This verse points to an exact moment at which the walls came down. There was an initial invasion, an original penetration of the walls, and because of that invasion the entire city was left open to attack.

As soon as I read this, I knew exactly what it was referring to: gateway sin. I am stealing this term from the frequently used "gateway drug," a term refering to minor drugs which lead users into more serious habits of addiction. A person starts out using pot, thinking it's no big deal, but eventually moves on to harder substances as the desire for a bigger high gets stronger.

It is the same with sin. We start out with a small sin, thinking it's no big deal, but it leads us to into more serious habits of sin. This kind of struggle can range anywhere from lust, to gambling, to pride--as soon as you indulge your temptation, it's much easier to do it again.

And that is why this verse is such a perfect description of self-control. As long as you haven't indulged a sin and you haven't tasted its sweetness, it's much easier to stave off attacks. You have built up momentum that you need only maintain, so the walls more readily stand firm. But once you give into it, the walls come crumbling down.

Why? The first reason is that you feel less guilty recommitting the sin since you've already done it before. For instance, you may have been saving yourself for marriage, so you held off having sex for years. But then one day you mess up and sleep with someone. Now you're not a virgin anymore, so all that waiting and holding off feels like it doesn't matter. The gift is gone, so abstinence no longer seems urgent, or even important.

But the second reason that your proverbial walls fall down following that initial sin is that you now yearn to experience that pleasure again. As bitter as its consequences may be, sin is usually very sweet at the time--hence the reason that people keep doing it. So in the same way that I will not crave a dessert I've never tasted, it's easy to resist a sin we've never experienced. But once I have a bite of that molten chocolate lava cake, it's very difficult to resist having another. Very difficult indeed.

In this way, the initial breach of your "wall" is the most crucial point to guard against. Once you allow the behavior into your life, it's exponentially more difficult to keep it out. After all, it's much easier to maintain a wall than to completely rebuild one.

So don't believe the lie that a small sin is no big deal. It may actually be a gateway sin that tears down your walls and leaves you vulnerable to even greater temptations. If, however, you've already allowed that initial breach in security to take place, there is still hope. With God's help you can rebuild that wall, but it requires discipline. You must see sin for what it really is--no matter the size, it is all spiritually fatal. That is why a recovering alcoholic cannot even risk taking a sip. Even the smallest amount is enough to consume us.

The In-Crowd

2008-05-22T21:11:00.009-05:00

Cliques.

This is a word that instantly generates feelings of annoyance and disdain. We all knew those girls in high school, that group in college, maybe even some people at your church right now. Few things feel worse than being excluded from those tightly-knit groups who so ably highlight our inadequacies. And that is why we hate them.

I still remember sitting in my Middle School cafeteria the day my best friend moved on to a better group. Even though we'd been inseparable for years, I'd seen the move coming for weeks. She'd been spending more and more time with those "other girls," and then came the day when she sat down at their table for lunch. I asked her to come sit with me, and she gave me the "please don't talk to me anymore" look. Brutal.

(Of course I can't really blame her. She was blossoming into the most gorgeous girl in our school, while I simultaneously spiraled into the depths of what I call me "awkward phase.")

Because of stories just like mine, we all detest cliques. We've all been excluded at one time or another, and many of us still bear the scars from those emotional blows.

But is there more to it than that? Aside from the way cliques make us feel, is there something inherent about their very nature that we should avoid? What does Scripture have to say about this rampant social practice? After all, we may have been hurt by a clique, but we've probably been in a clique as well. What might God think about this?

Well to find the answer, we can look at the very first clique in the Bible, and it's found in Genesis 11. In this chapter, we see the people of Babel growing in number, as well as pride. They have deceived themselves into thinking they can attain equality with God, so they set out to build a tower that will reach to the heavens. God told them to be fruitful and multiply, but they instead hunker down and stick together. They have bigger fish to fry than simply multiplying. They have the rep of the group to protect.

And what is God's response to this? It goes as follows: "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them." (v. 6) So He confuses their language and scatters them all over the earth.

What exactly did God mean by that statement? Nothing will be impossible for them? Did He really mean that nothing at all would be impossible? That they could really become like God Himself if they merely stuck together? I don't think so.

What God meant by those words was that no evil would be impossible for them. Already they were seeking to replace God, and they were only just beginning. Clearly, no act of disobedience was out of bounds, so what would be next??

This is the danger of the in-group mentality. It is a mentality in which the self-preservation of the group is put first and foremost ahead of every other concern. And when this happens, all other people, interests, or causes are subordinated to the well-being of the group. We have seen the in-group at its worst during the Holocaust and the practice of slavery. We even see it in Christian cliques when pastors and prophetic voices are driven out of their churches for reasons having nothing to do with Christ.

In-groups mentalities are therefore extremely destructive because they use peer pressure to get the whole group to act, at which point their collective actions become all the more powerful. If you don't go along with the group, you risk being shunned, thereby making it very difficult to change them.

So the larger these in-groups get, the more dangerous they become, which is why God scattered them. As the group gets larger it gains momentum, growing faster and faster. And as this growth transpires, it gains increasing man-power to promote its cause.

God knew all of those things, and foresaw the potential destructiveness of this in-group mentality, which is why He responded so definitively. If left unchecked, there was no end to the evil they could accomplish.

That said, beware of cliques--and by that I don't mean avoid people who are in them. Rather, don't be in one yourself. When we are in a clique, we fall prey to the in-group peer pressure, and subsequently hurt others. What's worse is that these cliques often prevent us from even caring if we trample those around us. We find ways to rationalize why we are so exclusive--"I do hang out with other people...sometimes;" "We tried hanging out with her but she's just so hard to talk to;" "She's just at a different stage in life than the rest of us, so she should find someone her own age to hang out with." All of these are justifications for exclusion, exclusion that wounds and destroys.

How do you know if you're in a clique? Some of the tell-tale signs include the way you spend your time--do you make an effort to hang out with anyone else, or do you only hang out with one specific group of friends who also happen to be exactly like you? Also, what do other people think about the group? Odds are if you're in a clique, then people have mentioned it to you before. Listen to them. And finally, has anyone been hurt because of the group dynamic? And by that I mean has anyone felt intentionally excluded. Although friendships are never perfect, which means people will inevitably get hurt from time to time, the group's willingness or unwillingness to make amends and include them in the future reveals a lot.

If you find yourself in a group that fits any of those qualifications, then you need to do one of two things--talk to the group and make an effort to change, or start making new friends. Cliques can be spiritually toxic, so if your friends are resistant to change then you need to switch social circles.

Instead, resolve to be outwardly focused. God called us to be fruitful and multiply, and this command applies to more than mere procreation. We need to multiply spiritually, we need to be adding to our number daily those who are being saved, as well as making our Christian friendships more fruitful. Reach out to the people in your church, dorm or workplace who need a friend, and reach out to those in the community that the socio-economic in-group has marginalized. This practice will generally take us out of our comfort zones, but if the people of Babel teach us nothing else, it is that we can either take ourselves out of the clique, or God will do it for us.

The New Legalism

2008-05-20T19:26:00.004-05:00

American culture is endlessly moving through cycles. It emphasizes one end of the spectrum, and then over-compensates by bouncing in the opposite direction. The Republicans are in favor, and then the Democrats take the lead. Spirituality is the flavor of the month, and then atheism has a surge. Even female modesty has experienced a recent rally in the midst of long-term hyper-sexuality.

Cycles are a very real part of the culture we inhabit. And the Church is no exception.

One of the cycles of recent Christian culture has hinged upon the spectrum between personal holiness and social justice. One generation would emphasize the importance of rigorous discipleship and guarding the integrity of the Church. A subsequent generation would find this focus too self-absorbed, and would therefore respond by focusing on the poor and suffering in the world. They would remind the Church of Jesus' heart for the marginalized, pointing out that the Pharisees emphasized holiness while Jesus emphasized grace.

But the cycle did not end there. Yet another generation would notice a slipping in the area of personal holiness, so it would re-emphasize the significance of one's lifestyle. What we do with our time, our bodies, our words, our thoughts, what we read and what we listen to--all of these things matter to God and distinguish Christians from secular non-profit organizations. It is our relationship with God through Christ, not our service projects, that make us Christians.

So on the cycle goes. Back and forth and back and forth.

Given this trend of never-ending cycles, where are we right now? In my opinion, we are presently swinging toward the service-oriented end of the spectrum. Our generation has recognized a moral blind spot in the area of social justice, and has begun the necessary work of remedying it.

And let me say that I completely agree with this movement. We need to care for the poor and oppressed so exceptionally that the world takes notice. What's more, our love for others is an echo of the love God has for the world, and it is our prerogative to reflect that love to the best of our ability.

BUT, let us not swing too far. This is where I fear we are beginning to err. Service to the poor has becomes so trendy that it has come to define the Christian life itself. If you are not supporting certain public policies, if you are not engaged in grass roots ministries to the poor, if you are not volunteering regularly at a soup kitchen or raising awareness about genocide, then you are not walking with Christ.

Now don't get my wrong--all of those initiatives are fantastic. I support them whole-heartedly. However, at times I am hard-pressed to discern who is more judgmental: proponents of the social justice Gospel, or fundamentalists? Each has their own standards for Christian acceptability--if you are not living the lifestyle that these various camps set forth, then you are not a true Christian. Or at least not a very good one.

With all of this in mind, it's important that we pause and remember that the most fundamental component of the Gospel is a message of grace, not a requirement of work. The word "Gospel" itself means "good news," so while we are called to respond to this news, we must be careful not to overshadow the news of God's love by adding stipulations for His acceptance. God has intervened on our behalf prior to any good work of our own, and for that we praise and follow Him. As my pastor frequently reminds us, religion is about do; the Gospel is about done.

So beware of legalism. There is the typical Pharisaical emphasis on holiness that we all recognize as blatant legalism, but there is a new legalism that is creeping upon us as well. It is far more subtle because it challenges us to love the world to the utmost, but even in this Christ-like action we can compromise the purity of the Gospel.

When Your Sin Compromises Your Theology

2008-05-16T08:25:00.009-05:00

One of the biggest sins that I struggle with is the idolatry of materialism. I draw a great deal of comfort and contentment from the clothes that I wear and the way that I look. I often seek satisfaction in these things instead of finding it in God, and I've known this about myself for years.

Does that mean I have changed my ways, or at least resolved to do better in the future? Heck no! I like my cute shoes and I love going to Target like nothing else in this world, so even though the Bible seems to frown upon such a mindset, I've figured out a way to make it work. I can have my cake and eat it too.

You see the way I figure, the joy I derive from shopping isn't really all that bad. Nevermind that it prevents me from tithing as generously as I might otherwise be able to, or giving as much to those in need. It's not like I pay exorbitant amounts of money on designer clothes. I mostly shop at low end stores and I buy things on sale, so I'm actually getting a great deal. Some might say I'm being a good steward of my money. In fact, it's not even really a sin, is it? I just to look cute, that's all.

That is my thought process. Pretty godly, huh? But this is what has to happen whenever your lifestyle runs up against the grain of Scripture--one of of the two has to move. Something has to change, and it will either be our behavior, or it will be our belief. More often that not, it is my belief that is forced to adapt to my behavior.

And while I wish that I could say materialism is the only area in which I struggle, my compromising plays out in a variety of ways. Greed, pride, jealousy, gossip, hate--all of these sins are very much alive in my life, but I have excused them for "good reasons." I will appeal to my freedom in Christ, or default to the reality of the world we live (ie. some of the Bible's teachings just aren't realistic in certain circumstances), rather than give up those vices.

The truth is that we want to live the way we want to live, and far be it from God to interfere. Many Christians live far more lavishly than they need while others are homeless on the street, but they reconcile their lifestyle by arguing that it's permissible as long as they don't "love their wealth." I have seen husbands leave their wives for another woman, all because "God really just wants us to be happy." I have heard people use offensive language when they really didn't need to, all for the sake of bucking legalism. And as we have discussed in the last two posts, countless Christian couples engage in inappropriate intimacy, comforting themselves with the knowledge that they're fine as long as they're not having sex.

The list goes on and on, but this is what happens when we allow certain sins to take a foothold in our lives--our theology suffers. But why is this important? After all, theology is little more than abstractions, right? Does it even really matter?

The reason that a faulty theology becomes problematic is that it ultimately impacts the way we live out the Christian life. If we adjust our theology such that we are no longer convicted by our sins, then we have no motivation to change. And as a result, we no longer desire holiness the way we used to. Our discipleship is no longer radical because we are shaping our beliefs around our lifestyle, rather than shaping our lifestyle around our beliefs.

And you will see entire strands of Christian thought that have been impacted by this thinking. Strands that are heavy on God's grace and weak on personal holiness often reflect this trend.

But you can also see this mindset in highly legalistic strands. Christians who believe in a practical works-righteousness will deny the grace that they see in Scripture, and instead proclaim a Gospel that is based upon what you do. They may not realize it, but they are so consumed with looking better than everyone else and basing their worth upon what they do that their theology has been impacted as a result.

That said, we need to take a hard look at our lives, and be honest about the sins that we may be rationalizing. Don't ever deceive yourself into thinking that the one sin you refuse to surrender is no big deal. It actually says a lot about how you view God, how you respect the authority of Scripture, and it impacts the larger Church as a whole. I definitely need to keep that in mind the next time I wander into Target. I pray that God will change my heart, because the Lord knows I haven't been able to do it myself!

Sleeping Over: Part 2

2008-05-14T07:58:00.007-05:00

Since writing the last post, I have received a number of great questions that I want to follow up on because they are relevant to us all, and they allow me to elaborate on some of my previous points.

The first question deals with whether or not it's ok for your boyfriend to sleep over, as long as he isn't actually sleeping in your bed. For instance, you might have stayed up extremely late watching a movie, and he's too exhausted to drive home, so he crashes on the couch. What are we to think of this?

Again, this draws us back into some seemingly gray territory because it is even more "innocent" than lying in bed together without having sex. If you're not even in the same room, then what's the problem?

Well even though my last post focused on the intimacy of sharing a bed together, there are still some points from the post that apply. The first being that no matter what you do with a guy, it's easy to compromise your witness if he sleeps over. Your roommates have no idea how long he's been sleeping on that couch (though I would suspect he hasn't been there very long...), and your neighbors know even less than that. 1 Thessalonians 5:22 teaches us to avoid even the appearance of evil, to flee from anything that even looks like sin, so this verse provides us with a great perspective on this issue.

But in addition to potentially hurting your witness, there are some other elements to factor in as well. I should have mentioned this in the last post, but if you have roommates, especially Christian ones, then you may actually poison your relationship with them if you have boys staying over. I've seen this happen a lot--a girl will have a roommate who invites her bf to stay over all the time, and she feels extremely uncomfortable about it. But her roommate never asks if it's ok, and she gives off the vibe that it's not up for discussion, so a minor estrangement begins to creep in. For some, it only results in a vague tension between roommates; for others, it can corrode the relationship altogether.

And this can happen even if he sleeps on the couch. While your roommate may feel weird when you two go off into your bedroom and shut the door, it's awkward having a boy over late at night at all. The reason being that when a boy spends the night, you feel a little less safe and at home in your own apartment. There have been times when I couldn't even walk around my own apartment in my pj's because a guy was always around, and I resented my roommate for it.

The bottom line is that having your boyfriend sleep over, regardless of the circumstances, is disrespectful to your roommate. It invades her privacy as well as driving a wedge in between your relationship. So for the sake of your friendship and the health of your living situation, don't let boys spend the night.

The final point I want to make about sleeping over relates back to the issue of appropriate intimacy. When I first thought about whether or not it's alright for a boyfriend to sleep over, as long as he's not in the same bed, I immediately sympathized with the question. From a technical stand point, there seems to be nothing wrong with it.

But the more I reflect on it, the more I am struck by the absurdity of it. With very few exceptions (like in the case of illness, or if you're staying at your family's house, etc.), having a guy sleeping in the same house or apartment is just another way of attaining as much intimacy as we can get away with, while also settings ourselves up for temptation.

For instance, say that you live in different cities and he's visiting from out of town, so you allow him to stay with you. In doing this, you are putting yourself in a very precarious position since you are alone, late at night, with no accountability.

If your situation looks more like the one I described above (he's there so late that he's too exhausted to drive home) then the more pressing question is why he was there so late in the first place. If it was really THAT late at night, then odds are I was engaging in behavior that I should have been avoiding in the first place. In that case, I had bigger fish to fry than the mere issue of sleeping over.

All in all, the cons of sleeping over far outweigh the positives. There is really nothing to be gained by having him spend the night, which reminds us of Paul's words in 1 Corinthians: "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." By letting your boyfriend or girlfriend spend the night, then you are no longer seeking to be above reproach as you set yourself up for temptation, compromise your witness, and threaten your relationship with your roommates. Is all that really worth it?

~~~

In addition to the clarifications on sleeping over, someone else asked me about the Scripture that one might use in support of what I have argued in these posts. What follows are some highlights...

- Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.- Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4

This is written within the very specific context of sexual love. By not awakening love until it so desires, we should not put ourselves in a situation to do something we know is wrong and will later regret.

- You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. --Matthew 5:27-28

We should not engage in any behavior that would lead our boyfriends to desire us in a way that God has forbidden outside of marriage. There is no formula for this because some guys can't even handle kissing a woman without lusting after her, whereas others are not as tempted by that, but if you are doing anything you suspect would cause your boyfriend to stumble, then avoid it. If you indulge his lust, then you are not loving him as your brother in Christ, and you are disobeying God.

- Flee from sexual immorality. -1 Corinthians 6:18

Notice that this verse is not a passive "how much can I get away with" approach to sexual relationships. On the contrary, we are to flee any situation that might lead us into temptation. To try and get away with as much as possible is to buck against the very spirit of this verse.

In closing, I want to you to think of this discipline in your dating relationships as an investment in your marriage. One of the reasons our marriages are so emotionally bankrupt today is that we have stopped setting the institution apart in any kind of definitive way. We want what we want now, so we mimic the love and intimacy of marriage without engaging in the commitment that that love and intimacy require. This instant gratification corruption can play out when we have sex, when we sleep in the same bed, or even when we sleep in the same apartment. But these are not meant to be legalistic parameters, since it is ultimately about your heart. You should be doing everything you can to honor yourself, your boyfriend, and your God. That, at the end of the day, is the question we should be asking.

Thanks to all those great questions!!

Sleeping Over: The Latest Trend in Christian Sketchiness

2008-05-11T20:22:00.005-05:00

I think most Christians would agree that having sex before marriage is wrong. After all, Scripture is pretty clear on the topic over and over again. What is a little less clear is the lines we cross leading up to sex. I can't count the number of dating talks I've attended in which some ambiguously intentioned young person asked, "How far is too far?" For many of us, we feel like we're doing pretty well as long as we're not going "all the way," so prior to that boundary almost anything goes.

Because of this mentality, a new trend in Christian dating has developed: sleeping together but not having sex. Countless Christian couples will share a bed for the night without doing the actual deed, and I've done it myself. And on some level, it would seem pretty innocent--all you're doing is sleeping together. That's not so bad, right?

Well as a person who has herself engaged in this behavior, let me be the first to say that it's wrong. And if you're doing it with your significant other, then you need to stop. I know this is a pretty hard line stance, but here's my thought process...

First, when you share a bed with someone you are tempting yourself unnecessarily. My pastor always says that if your boyfriend can lie down next to you without getting aroused, then he either doesn't like you very much, or he's probably gay. While he is overstating his point in jest, I think there is something to that statement. When you are lying under the covers in a dark room next to a person that you're attracted to, then it will be extremely difficult to set appropriate boundaries. Your judgment will be compromised be your desires, and speaking from my own experience, my desires win every time.

Even if you don't start out having sex, it won't be long until you reach that point. You'll find yourself needing to go further and further to get the same degree of pleasure, and eventually you will find yourself facing the final frontier. For that reason, don't put yourself in that position. Even if you're not spending the entire night together, being in bed is a tremendous temptation, so it should be avoided no matter the circumstances.

The second reason Christians should avoid sleeping over is that it compromises your witness. If your roommates aren't Christians and they see your boyfriend sleeping over, they will likely assume you are having sex. When this happens, we fail to distinguish Christian relationships from worldly relationships in any substantive way.

But even if your roommates are Christian, you can still pull them down with your example. If, for instance, they are wondering about boundaries in their own relationships, and they look to you for direction, then you will be leading them right into temptation. Even if they know you're not having sex, they may still come to think that sleeping in the same bed is okay, so don't set them up for such a fall.

Now if you don't have a roommate and none of the above applies to you, you can still compromise your witness. If, for example, your neighbors see your boyfriend leave early in the morning, the same perception may be achieved, so it is best to be above reproach in this area.

The final reason that spending the night should be avoided is that it is actually very intimate, and in a way that is not appropriate outside the bonds of marriage. You know, we don't really talk about sleeping in the same bed as being an intimate act, but whenever I woke up the next morning I always felt like I had crossed a major line of intimacy that I hadn't intended to transgress.

I think this intimacy stems from a lot of things--One, you are imitating the intimacy between married people. Across time and culture, marriages have been consummated when the husband and wife came together in one marital bed. Conversely, a husband might be kicked out of that bed and exiled to the couch if the couple is fighting. That said, sleeping together in one bed can sympolize the union between a husband and wife. The sharing of a bed represents the sharing of a life.

Two, when we share a bed with another person, we are in close proximity for an extended period of time. This, in my mind, is what separates sharing a bed with a friend of the same sex, from sharing a bed with someone you're attracted to. When I share a bed with a girl friend, we might as well be sleeping in separate beds. I don't want her all up in my space, and neither does she. In fact, I had to share a bed with an old friend last week, and I woke up in the middle of the night when I felt her nudge my foot back onto my side of the bed.:)

But when you sleep with your boyfriend, it's a very different story. He lies close to you with his arms around you, and he can feel your entire body against his. Because of this closeness, sleeping together is very intimate for dating couples in a way that is distinct from same-gender friends who share a bed.

And finally, sleeping together is intimate because we are most vulnerable when we are asleep. In a sense, sleeping with someone in such close proximity is an act of trust and commitment. We can let down our guard and be ourselves, trusting that the person will still be there in the morning. Again, this is a kind of commitment that is appropriate in marriage, but should be avoided prior to that time. In a sense, spending the night with someone can be a kind of commitment in which we feel safe and protected by the person who is next to us (especially for us ladies), so for the sake of guarding your heart and not jumping the gun emotionally, you really shouldn't do it.

So if you are dating someone with whom you find yourself spending the night a lot, talk to them about it. Make a commitment to one another to stop this behavior for the sake of the relationship. After all, this is not about rules and regulations--this is about honoring God and honoring your significant other. When the physical relationship gets out of hand, then it corrodes your relationship with God and your boyfriend, so we should all abstain from such spiritual poison. And if your roommates are doing this, talk to them about it and figure out how to hold them accountable in a way that is encouraging, rather than judgmental.

And finally, enjoy having an entire bed to yourself while you can! Some people hate going to bed alone, but I say relish in it, because the poor guy I marry is gonna be fighting me for bed space. :)

Baby Mama Drama

2008-05-08T07:40:00.021-05:00

Last night I saw the new Tina Fey movie "Baby Mama" about a 37 year-old, single career woman who wants to have a baby. Unfortunately her doctor claims that her uterus is poorly shaped and therefore unlikely to conceive, so she hires a surrogate. The movie itself is a comedy, but the plot line is pretty fascinating as it tackles the ethical dilemmas involved in this increasingly popular practice.

Personally, this is an issue I have struggled to categorize--is it right or wrong? On the one hand, there seems to be something inherently wrong with "renting" another person's womb and using it to grow a baby. On the other hand, women grow babies in their wombs all the time--why does it matter if the baby is genetically linked to the surrogate or not?

Given the moral ambiguities of this issue, as well as the rising number of cases (The Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology (SART) has tracked a 30% increase over the past three years. That number is likely an undercount, since many clinics do not report births to SART; industry experts estimate that there are as many as 1,000 surrogate births a year.) it is important that Christians think through it. What does our faith have to say about this? I would like to take a moment to examine some of those questions now...

Before delving into the murkier moral waters of this debate, there is one clear abuse that has sparked a great deal of controversy, and that is the socioeconomic background of the surrogates. Both the New York Times and the Boston Globe have reported on the practice of "outsourcing" wombs to poor Indian women. Sadly, there is a trend in the surrogacy movement in which wealthy families are using the bodies of poor, needy women to bear their children. This practice is worrying because it echoes a time in our nation's history when the poor and marginalized were treated as property to be used, their bodies serving the wealthy as nothing more than a machine or an animal.

So while these women may, in fact, benefit from the deal financially, we should be extremely wary of any mindset that enables us to use the bodies of the poor in such a way. That is not a direction in which our society should head. But what about the cases in which the surrogates are socioeconomically "equal" to the families they help? What should Christians consider in these instances?

Even in a relationship of relative equality, the surrogate-parent relationship is frequently messy. Even if the surrogate is a close friend of the parents, it is tough to avoid treating the surrogate as some sort of incubator for your baby. In "Baby Mama," the protagonist monitors her surrogate's eating habits and lifestyle, forcing her to only consume those foods that will improve her health and the health of the baby. And this aspect of the film is not far from the truth--a mother interviewed in Newsweek requested that her surrogate not pump gas during the pregnancy. She also sent the surrogate green cleaning products that were safer for the child, all this to ensure that the incubator's quality was maximized.

So regardless of the socioeconomic standing of the surrogate, the reality is that you are using another person's body to get the life that you want. This stark reality may be softened if you have a relationship with the surrogate, or if the surrogate remains a part of the family's life following the child's birth, but in a very real sense parents are "renting" another woman's womb.

That leads me to the final question--what is the difference between parents who use a surrogate's womb to have a child, versus parents who use their own womb to have a child? Well if you're speaking from a purely functional basis, reducing the woman's body to her ability to conceive, then there's no problem at all. If you can get pregnant while another woman cannot, then why not share the wealth?

But in my opinion, there is more to it than that. While the rampant cases of unwed mothers and the growing number of abortions in America have subsequently devalued the sacred miracle that is the creation of life, human life is about far more than the biological fertilization of an egg. There is more to this process than splitting cells in the uterus' biologically hospitable environment.

On the contrary, the creation of life and subsequent nurturing of that life is to be a reflection of the Father's relationship with us. After all, Scripture refers to us as God's children, which means there is an aspect to parenting that reflects the essence of our relationship with God. With that in mind, the topic of surrogacy quickly becomes a question of theology.

What, then, are we to draw from such an analogy? How does the traditional pregnancy process reflect our relationship with God? Well in the same way that we get life from the loving intimacy and sacrifice of the Trinity, especially as evidenced at the cross, children are born of the loving intimacy and sacrifice that a man and wife have in marriage. And not only does a married couple love one another this way, but they love their children with that degree of sacrifice as well.

Parents essentially lay themselves down for their children, surrendering their schedules, their free time, their sleep, their finances, and even their bodies--all for the sake of their child. In fact, the physical surrendering of one's own body that we see in pregnancy, surrendering for the sake of another, echoes the surrender and sacrifice of Christ's own body on the cross. In this way, pregnancy can reflect a love so profound that it echoes the intimacy and sacrifice of Christ's love for us.

Surrogacy, on the other hand, has a slightly different approach. The mother is not laying down her own body to care for and nurture the child--she is using someone else's body. And the woman who DOES care for the child so intimately during pregnancy will then leave the child once he or she is born.

That said, surrogacy reflects the God-child analogy less fully because the parent relies on another person to sacrifice her body for their child. It would be like God saying, "I love you so much that I'm going to ask some other person to sacrifice for you." It is this concept of using someone else for your own ends, as opposed to giving of yourself for the sake of another, that conflicts with the relationship between God and His children.

Granted, the scenario isn't quite so black and white given that many women CAN'T have children, which means they aren't given the option to care for a child in this way. It would be one thing if a woman used a surrogate because she is unable to have a child herself, and quite another if a woman used a surrogate solely because she didn't want to lose her figure.

What's more, we must be careful that my above logic isn't taken so far as to undermine the legitimacy of adoption. Just because a woman does not bear a child does not mean she cannot have a relationship with her child that reflects the love of God. Plus, Scripture itself uses the language of adoption, so in adopting children that do not belong to us, we are mimicking God's adoption of humanity.

What I am saying is that we must be very, VERY wary of the mindset into which surrogacy can tempt us. It not only tempts us to view other women's bodies as objects to be used for bearing children, but it distorts the pregnancy process in a way that views children more as a biological process that simply needs an incubator, as opposed to a miracle of life that echoes our very identity in God.

All in all, I find it hard to take one definitive stance on surrogacy. I tried to think of Scripture that might apply, but I was only able to come up with overarching themes that could speak truth into the discussion, so if you know of any verses please post them. But while I am hesitant to take a hard-line stance, I will admit that I have serious concerns. While feining a value for human life by going to extremes to produce it, surrogacy can actually devalue human life, as well as undermining the centrality of marriage in beginning a family. As the movie errantly taught, "You don't have to be married to have a baby." That teaching might be true from a technical standpoint--I could go out and get pregnant tomorrow with some random guy off the street--but is it God's best? No.

So before we embrace the scientific advances of surrogacy, let's look down the road to where this trend is taking us. We may find ourselves in a place we did not intend to go. But in addition to all of that, let me remind you of how many children are orphaned in this world. The numbers are astronomical, so perhaps we should reconsider spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to reproduce ourselves through surrogacy, when there are already so many living, breathing children that need families of their own.

What do you think of this isse??

Redefining Missionary Dating

2008-05-04T11:03:00.005-05:00

I have decided to reconsider the whole missionary dating strategy....but probably not in the way you're thinking. Before I explain, however, let me back up a bit...

This weekend I traveled to the remote reaches of Arkansas to participate in my college roommate's wedding. She's an incredibly godly woman who works in youth ministry, and her husband is about to start seminary, so it was exciting to see such Christ-centered individuals come together in marriage.

(And for those readers who live in Arkansas--hats off to you! I had my doubts about liking Arkansas, but I actually had a lot of fun! I even got to experience a great taste of Arkansas culture when I attended the "Toad Suck" festival, which isn't nearly as weird as it sounds. Google it if that piques your curiosity...)

In addition to experiencing Arkansas and spending time with some amazing people, it was a blessing to witness the way in which this couple's relationship is a witness to those around them. For instance, the Maid of Honor was the bride's teenage sister, and even though she's already a Christian, she got to observe the degree to which Christ is the center of my friend's marriage. We prayed for the bride prior to the ceremony, and the wedding homily was all about Christ as well. So as the bride praised God on the one day that the world tells us to focus on ourselves, her younger sister sat by and watched. What a powerful witness!

Well all of this got me to thinking about my own dating relationships, and what kind of example they've provided for those around me. More specifically, my brother is not a Christian, so I have to wonder what he thinks about Christians every time he's seen one of my relationships crash and burn. He treats his wife way better than most Christian guys have treated me, so what does the Church have to offer him?? When I think of the many messages my dating relationships have conveyed to him about Christianity, I can only cringe.

That said, I have decided to hijack the term "missionary dating" and redefine it in a new way. Rather than thinking of this term as referring to those who date non-Christians in the hope of converting them, I would prefer to think of missionary dating as the state in which both Christians in the relationship date with a mission.

When two Christ-centered individuals enter into a dating relationship with one another, they should function under the reality that their actions have consequences beyond the relationship itself. You are not only affecting your boyfriend or girlfriend, but you are affecting everyone who witnesses the relationship. You are showing everyone around you what it looks like when Christians date, and how that courtship is different from the world. You are demonstrating the way in which brothers and sisters in Christ should relate to one another, and that relationship should demonstrate a love that transcends emotion--it is a love stemming from your unity in Christ.

That said, your relationship can also provide a dangerous witness--you can convey that relationships are all about making yourself happy, using another person to complete you, or taking advantage of another person for your own selfish ends. When we approach relationships this way, we fail to date with a mission, and our witness to friends and family will suffer as a result.

So I encourage you to missionary date. But the key is to find someone who will go on mission with you. If your purpose in dating is ultimately self-serving, then you are no different from any other non-believing person, but if you date with purpose, with vision, with a heart for the world, then your dating relationship has the potential to turn heads and draw people in who desire to experience such a refreshing way of caring for one another. Only date that person who will enable you to be a brighter light in the darkness because we all know that, given the state of society's relationships today, our culture needs such a beacon of hope.

Brooke and Kevin--thanks for being one of those beacons! I'm praying for you as God moves you onward and upward!

Playing Favorites: Final Thoughts

2008-04-30T11:02:00.006-05:00

Well yesterday I received a fair amount of feedback on my blog. I had no idea my thoughts would be so controversial! I talked to my pastor about it some, and he felt that I was not wrong for being so honest about my thought process. He did, however, advise me to be cautious in my honesty since some people who haven't been reading my blog long or carefully might get the wrong idea and be led astray about what is a healthy approach to singleness, versus an unhealthy approach.

So in the interest of being above reproach, I wanted to follow up yesterday's post with some final thoughts. First and foremost, I want to reiterate that my frustrations with the church were not meant to be read as coming from the most Christ-centered part of my heart. As I mentioned before, my thoughts went through a *process," and I had hoped that in leading you through that process, you yourself might be able to leave your frustrations behind and enter into a more profitable state of mind.

I had also hoped that by being honest about my frustrations in singleness, my honesty would prevent some of you from feeling completely isolated in your struggles. I find there to be nothing more defeating than talking with Christians who can't relate to my struggles, and merely tell me to "buck up." What I find far more edifying is when Christians admit, "Hey I'm right there with you! Let me share with you how I'm working through it." That said, I'm sorry if my honesty came off as a belittling of the family or of marriage, because that was not at all my intent.

Having said that, I also feel the need to reemphasize that the family is of the utmost importance. It is one of the most fundamental building blocks of our culture, and should be treated with that degree of honor. However, I think one of the commenters said it best when she mentioned that the stark distinction between marrieds and singles is probably not a healthy one. That comment gets to the heart of what I meant to convey in the last post--

When I argued that churches need to be held accountable for their ministries to singles, I did not mean that we should have more singles events and worship services. On the contrary, singles should be enveloped into the larger life of the church. Instead of having ministries that are JUST for married people or JUST for single people, we need to be intentional about ministering to BOTH, holistically. To divide up these demographics can be practical at times, but ultimately undermines the very essence of the Church if taken to an extreme.

We should therefore keep in mind the extent of our connectedness. Single people will one day be married, so it makes no sense to focus solely on putting out fires in marriage, fires that could have been prevented had we properly nurtured single people. Likewise, solid, Christ-centered families can minister effectively to those without families if we equip them to do so.

As the Body of Christ, we are all intimately connected to one another, so any ministry should have the whole Body in mind. A ministry that focuses on one demographic alone without at least keeping the rest of the Body in mind will become inherently narcissistic. And single people are just as guilty of this as married people.

Wherever you are in life, you are going to have your own struggles. As another commenter wrote, marriage can be extremely difficult, so it's not as if us singles are the only ones with hardship. That said, we will all need ministering to at one time or another, but what we do well to remember is that there is no "me" or "them." There is only "us," as we are united in Christ. That is our primary identity, which means we should help our churches minister to the whole Body as effectively as possible, no matter the stage in life. I should be just as invested in the success of my friends' marriages as they are in helping me to maximize this season of my life.

That, I believe, should be our ultimate goal. It's okay if you are not there yet--clearly I am not--but I pray that my brothers and sisters will show me the grace I need to get there along the way.

Playing Favorites: Couples, Singles, and the Church

2008-04-28T21:17:00.009-05:00

Last week I almost didn't tithe....deliberately.

The sermon had just ended and I was sitting in my seat, all ready to stick my little check in the offering bucket. Then one of the pastors made an announcement about an upcoming event, and I immediately reconsidered my decision. He explained that, in connection with the current sermon series on dating and marriage, the church staff would babysit everyone's children so that parents could have a date night together. In addition to this gesture, the church would even provide the couples with $20 toward their evening. All of this was in the spirit of building up our members' marriages, encouraging them to implement the principles they'd learned from the pulpit.

Well as soon as I heard this, I almost withheld my tithe. I live on a very meager salary, so while I don't mind tithing for the purpose of running the church, sending people on missions, and aiding in charity, I wasn't about to give my money away so that other people, who have more money than I do, could go out on a date. If that's how the church was gonna use it, then I might as well hold onto it for myself! After all, I could use a date! Why do the people who already have a spouse and a job need my hard-earned money?

So I sat there for a moment or two, debating whether or not I should still give my tithe. Eventually the better side of me won out, and I gave my tithe anyway. As a member of my church, I trust, honor and respect the decisions of my leaders, so I decided to submit myself to them in this case, even if I didn't fully understand. But I'm not gonna lie--I still feel a little irked about the whole thing. Sometimes being single is the pits.

(In light of some of the comments posted since I wrote this post, I feel the need to add that this was not meant to be an indictment of my church, which I LOVE very much. It was instead meant to be an honest reflection of my thought process. I have always desired that my honesty about my struggles might help others work through their own struggles. While I started at a place of frustration, I tried to end with a more godly attitude, which is the trajectory of what follows...)

Now before you assume that I'm writing this solely to vent my frustration, I want you to know that the idea for this post did not originate with me. It actually came from a pastor in Minnesota who is himself married. He wrote me with the following question, which took on new significance to me in light of this recent church experience:

How do churches, in an effort to emphasize healthy family ministry, send unintentional and innuendoed messages that say, "if you're not a family (mom, dad, 2.5 kids, and a dog) you won't fit in here."

Some examples: displaying pictures of church leaders that include their families (message=gotta have a family to be a leader); family camping outing (message=not for singles); supper 8s (message=this is an event for couples, thus the even number). Am I overdoing this or am I on to something?... tell me what you really think.

When I first read this question several weeks ago, my initial reaction was one of slight disconnect. Honestly, being single is not something I struggle with very often. When there is an occasional church event for married couples, it doesn't really phase me. Sure, there have been times when I've yearned for a husband, but it's not a thorn in my side, and I generally haven't felt like my church was alienating me in that regard.

But over the last several weeks as my pastor has preached through Song of Solomon, I've begun to see how many single people might feel that way. I've heard numerous statistics about how much happier married people are than single people, how married sex is better than single sex, and how marriage is the best means for sanctification that God has given us.

(And I can't fail to mention that our "homework" at the end of each sermon has gone something like: "Single people: make a list of standards you should have for your spouse. Married people: go have mind-blowing sex." Umm, can I please have the married people's homework??)

So all of these subtle and not so subtle messages slowly piled up in my head, culminating with the announcement about the date night. That was the final straw. I felt that, while we are instructed to find completion in Christ alone, we are simultaneously taught that life is most rich and fulfilling when shared with a spouse. In doing so, our church leaders seem to be talking out of two different sides of their mouths.

And the more I have reflected on this, the more I have realized its effects on me. Like I said, I have always been content with my singleness, but I am starting to suspect that my contentment was merely an illusion. It's not that I had accepted the possibility of never getting married, and was at peace with it. Rather, I was at peace with being single NOW, assuming that one day I will get married. My contentment rested on the hope of eventually getting married, not my fulfillment in Christ alone.

When I am completely honest with myself, I have to admit that my life will be missing something, somehow incomplete, if I don't get married and have kids. And while there is a degree to which these desires are entirely God-given, there are times when our churches are irritating the waiting process.

This leaves us with an interesting predicament. On the one hand, marriage is one of the most fundamental building blocks of a healthy culture and church, so it's important to build up our marriages as effectively as we can. That said, the solution to discontented singles is not to stop talking about marriage.

On the other hand, has the emphasis on building up the family become lop-sided? I suspect that it has, but how do we re-center ourselves?

In my opinion, there are two solutions to this problems, both of which require action on the part of us singles. Let us never become the sort of Christians who sit around and complain, but never do anything about it. The Church belongs to us as well, so we need to take ownership in its ministry. With that in mind, here's what I believe we need to be doing:

1) Help your leaders in ministering to singles. If the sermons and ministries are becoming married-centric, voice your concerns to the pastors in a constructive and gentle way. Our leaders aren't mind-readers, so they can't know you are frustrated or struggling if you don't tell them. Also, offer them ideas for ministering to single people, and when you propose your ideas, don't simply expect them to take care of it for you--help them! Give of your time in serving the church so that they can more easily implement the changes you have proposed.

2) Continue striving for contentment in Christ alone. I know this sounds like a bit of a cop out, but no matter how hard your church tries, they can never make you feel secure if you yourself are not working toward that end. We have got to take responsibility for our own satisfaction in Christ, and as long as we live in a culture that sells sex and relationships as the ultimate source of happiness, this will be a struggle. It is a battle you must resolve to fight.

As someone who is in the trenches with you, please know that you are not alone if you are feeling lonely or frustrated. But as the saying goes, lonely single people only make for lonely married people, so the answer does not lie in finding a mate. The more we embrace this truth, the more we will experience peace. Not only do I desire such a peace, but I want to be so enveloped in Christ's love that my only reaction to announcements about date nights and sermons about sex is rejoicing. Praise God for the gift of marriage! Maybe I will have that gift one day, but whether or not I do, I already have the greatest gift of all.

Are You Slandering the Church?

2008-04-26T15:45:00.008-05:00

In the last 2000 years, Christians have done more than their fair share of stupid things. From insisting that the sun revolves around the earth, and persecuting those who say otherwise, to boycotting the anti-Christ that is Mickey Mouse, we have certainly made ourselves look silly. And those are only the minor infractions--I am ashamed to look back on the crusades, or the institution of slavery, knowing that Christians endorsed those murderous practices in the name of Jesus. Amidst all of those hypocritical decisions and behaviors, Christians certainly deserve some criticism.

Given this reality, it has become trendy in Christian circles to join in the chorus of mockers. The world wants to know if we recognize our own short-comings, so in an effort to be authentic, Christians are becoming increasingly vocal in their self-criticism.

This is, in some measure, healthy and warranted. We should never be so arrogant as to think that we are perfect. As 1 John 1 reminds us, when we believe we are without sin, then we deceive ourselves. What's more, we strengthen our credibility when we admit our own faults. After viewing each documentary on the latest corrupt televangelist, my brother will call and ask what I think about it. For me to respond, "I disagree with that preacher. He is clearly in the wrong" assures my non-believing brother that I have not, in fact, been brain-washed, and that there are Christians who can think for themselves and recognize right from wrong.

But what concerns me is that this trend is frequently taken too far. It's one thing for Lutherans to tell the occasional joke about themselves, or for Presbyterians to laugh about their "frozen chosenness", but there comes a point at which this criticism is no longer fruitful. At some point, it stops being helpful and starts turning into slander.

Now the line between constructive criticism and slander is often hard to discern. I would liken it to gossip in the form of prayer requests--there are times when Christians deserve critique, but how do we go about voicing such concerns without tearing one another down, or ruining the Church's reputation? Are we stating our thoughts carefully, gently, discerningly? Or are we throwing out defamatory statements merely to vent our frustrations, or to sound politically correct? Many times, I fall into the latter category.

As a member of a Baptist church and as a staff person in a Baptist ministry, I can't tell you how many times I've heard Baptists dog one another. "Baptists who don't drink are so narrow-minded," or "Baptist bureaucracy is worthless. It's just a waste of time and money," or "Most Baptist pastors only care about conversion numbers, but you'll never hear a sermon about the poor." Whenever I hear people talk like this, I often think to myself, "Then why are you a Baptist??"

And the truth is, Baptists are not alone in this practice. Most denominational members engage in some degree of self-loathing. In fact, most Christians talk this way about other Christians in general. And when we do this, I can't help but wonder what non-Christians think. If I were them, I would probably ask, "Why the heck are you a Christian if you seem to hate other Christians so much?" Not exactly the kind of group you'd want to be a part of.

That is why I challenge you to watch your tongue when you speak about the Church. Yes, the Church is populated by sinners, so we are all bound to mess up, but we are still the very Body of Christ--his hands and feet--so we need to speak about that Body with the honor and reverence that it deserves. This does not mean that we are always above reproach, but it should at least challenge us to dress our criticism in respect, grace and love.

Perhaps the best way to know if your criticism of Christians is fruitful, as opposed to slanderous, is to monitor the motivation and the quantity of it. Why are you saying these things? Is it because you are genuinely concerned about a problem, and you are willing to bring about change, or are you going to sit on the sidelines like a whining hypocrite who points out problems that you'll never do anything about? And how often are you spewing this venom? Are you constantly complaining, or are you balancing your concerns with praise and affirmation of those Christians who are out doing the Lord's work?

And finally, remember that you are a sinner saved by grace. I often think about how those slanderous comments are as so utterly ironic. It's as if the speaker has never sinned, and is scandalized by the fact that God actually let sinners inside His Church. If we were to have any sort of grasp on our own sin, and the extent to which we've been forgiven, then we would spend less time judging each other and spend more time showing the grace that has been shown us. We only reveal ourselves to be the greatest of hypocrites when we judge others for being judgmental, or we gossip about others who gossip. Let us stop this nonsense now, and instead do the hard work of being known for love. It's not as easy as complaining about the latest "dumb decision" that your convention made, but God didn't exactly call us to "easy."

Battling the Green-Eyed Monster

2008-04-24T12:54:00.005-05:00

When William Shakespeare coined the above phrase in his description of jealousy, he hit the nail right on the head. Jealousy is a monster that will eat you alive if you only give it the chance. The more I think on it, the more I am sure of that truth, which is why we Christians must wage war on this beast. If we do not, it will consume us.

Few things have poisoned my friendships and robbed me of joy in life more than jealousy. If a friend started dating a guy that I liked, I let jealousy rule the day--things became awkward between us, I wasn't happy for her when the romance flourished, and eventually the relationship withered.

Similarly, jealousy has led me to become incredibly dissatisfied with the life God has given me. If someone married the kind of man I wanted, or if a friend's career was really taking off and he was making lots of money, or if another friend's ministry was thriving more than mine, I was unable to share in their joy. Instead, I felt frustrated that things hadn't come so easily to me.

And don't even get me started about when I drive over to UNC's campus to meet with students. For some reason that school is populated with an inordinate number of tall, skinny blonde girls who always look adorable, even when it's early in the morning. As soon as I look at them, I immediately wish I had their legs, hair, nose, teeth, etc. Then I look at myself and think, "Why them? Why can't I look like that? Why is my life so boring and mundane compared to those other glamorous and successful people?"

(I don't know how I make the jump to thinking that they're glamorous and successful based on their appearance alone, but that's just the kind of distorted perceptions that come from jealousy)

That said, the time at which my jealousy becomes most abhorrent is when someone receives a gift or blessing that they don't deserve. (Or I should say, in my opinion they don't deserve) Then, the entire world seems entirely unjust--how could God reward someone for work they have not done, while I am busting my butt to get ahead and I receive nothing?

This form of jealousy can be particularly nasty because we feel more free to gossip about the person. It's one thing if our jealousy is focused on a nice person (it's hard to complain about someone who experiences a success that they earned), but if the person of whom we are jealous is unfriendly or has blatant moral short-comings, then we feel a liberty to complain more vocally: "I just don't understand why all the guys like her when she's so high maintenance" or "I don't know why they would make her a lead singer in the choir if her personal life is so sketchy" or "I don't understand why he got a raise when he's so lazy."

All of these thoughts stem directly from jealousy. They also take root in our hearts, growing fruits of discontentment as we become increasingly dissatisfied with the lives God has given us. The grass always seems greener on the other side.

But the big question remains: Where does this jealousy come from? Why is it so difficult to be happy for another? Shouldn't our friends' joys be our joys? Shouldn't we desire good things for those whom we love.

Thr truth is that there are many reasons we feel jealous--we are selfish, we love ourselves more than others, we have deluded ourselves into thinking that other people are happier than we are, simply because of material comforts, and we are not trusting in God's perfect plan for our lives.

But perhaps the greatest reason for jealousy is a profound misunderstanding of the grace that has been extended to us in Christ. Not only has God given us infinitely more than we could ever deserve (think of the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant), but He has also given us more than we could ever need.

Our salvation is not one good among many. It is not some sort of starting point from which we can begin to live the good life. Salvation in Christ is the good life. It is all we will ever need for complete joy and satisfaction in whatever we do. To think that someone else has a better life than you, simply because they received some temporary success on earth that will quickly pass away, is to cheapen the depths of the riches of God's grace. If we are jealous, then we don't know what we have. We don't understand just how rich we are.

If jealousy is something you find yourself struggling with, then fight it, and fight hard, because it can easily overtake you. Consider what this jealousy says about your relationship with God, and then ask Him to overwhelm you with the knowledge of His love and grace. Otherwise, jealousy will only draw you into the rat race that every other American runs. It is never-ending, and there is nothing to be gained by it. It only promises heartached and disappointment, as you continually find other people who have what you desire.

Instead, resolve to be joyful for your sister when she meets the man of her dreams. Congratulate your friend when he gets a raise at work. Those are wonderful gifts, but they are not the ultimate gift. When they become ultimate, they have become idols. Do not allow them to have such power, because it is then that they become monsters.

*Bonus points to anyone who knows what play the phrase "green-eyed monster" comes from. I'm such a Shakespeare nerd...

Show Me Your Wrath

2008-04-21T09:08:00.005-05:00

I have to be honest with you--I'm a little scared to right this post. I've thought about writing it several times, but I was afraid of the consequences. Kind of like when you pray for humility or brokenness...you know you need it, but you don't really want what it takes to get there.

But here goes....

Have you ever been stuck in a sin for an extended period of time without having suffered the consequences of it? You know what you're doing is wrong, and you know that eventually it will blow up in your face, but until then you just keep on doing it? For some people that may be sexual sin, for others it could be financial corruption, and for others it could simply be gossip or fits of anger or jealousy.

Whatever the sin, you know it's wrong, but because you haven't dealt with any repercussions as of yet, you keep indulging it, keep pushing it, and play it out as long as you can. As long as you don't have to deal with the negative effects, then the cost of giving it up is not really worth the trouble. It is short-sightedness at its finest.

I, personally, believe this is one of the most miserable places to live. To dwell in that place for long is to live in constant fear. Deep down, I know the consequences will eventually come, so I have this horrible anxiety hanging over my head. When is the shoe going to drop? How long can this really last? And when it ends, what will my life look like afterwards?

In addition to that anxiety, I also hate the feeling that I am getting away with something. There is nothing worse than knowing you're a total hypocrite. Everyone looks at you as if you're this wonderful Christian, but you know better. You see what they cannot, and because of the disconnect between those two lives, you feel empty. And the longer that disconnect exists, the larger the emptiness grows.

Well one morning at church I was meditating on all of these things as I worshiped, and a surprising thought began to creep into my heart: "Lord, show me your wrath." Crazy, huh? As soon as the thought popped in, I wanted to push it right back out, but I instead decided to pursue it a little. Where did that thought come from?

The longer I pondered it, the more I discovered that it is rooted in my understanding of God's very character. As much as I hate parading around like a super-Christian, knowing all along that I'm a hypocrite, I'm sure that God detests it even more. Jesus never spoke too highly of the Pharisees, after all.

But on top of all that, I don't want to serve a God who looks the other way when His people commit sin in His name. That is a weak God, that is an unjust God, and more importantly, that is an unloving God. Why would God simply sit by and let us engage in behaviors that are self-destructive? To let us get away with our sin when it is eating us alive is not really love at all.

That is why Scripture tells us that God disciplines those whom He loves. When we experience the consequences of our actions, God is teaching us about His ways, and refining us in the process. To refrain from doing so would mean that He essentially doesn't care.

That God, an apathetic, distant, passive God, is not the kind of God I serve. And that is why I was compelled to pray, "Show me your wrath." I wanted to be reminded of God's awesome holiness and His mighty justice. I want to serve a God who cares deeply about His children and how they live their lives, a God who protects His children from the sin that threatens to consume them. I want to serve a God who hates the sin that steals, kills and destroys all that is beautiful in this world, and I want to serve a God who declares war on that sin. I want to serve a God who pushes His servants toward excellence, honor, and holiness, and does not settle for mediocrity.

It is for all those reasons that I prayed that crazy prayer one Sunday morning. I'm still kind of bracing for the results, but I think it gets to the very heart of who our God is, and why we worship Him. We do not serve a passive God who casually sits by while we ruin ourselves and slander His name in the process. We serve a God who loves us profoundly and defends His glory as well. That is the God I love, and that is why I prayed, "In the face of my blatant, ugly sin, Lord, show me your discipline, show me your love. Show me your wrath."

Will you be so bold?

Settling For Mr. Good Enough

2008-04-18T07:28:00.005-05:00

This week my brother directed me to a fascinating article that has garnered a fair amount of attention. It's written by a single mom who had a baby using donor sperm, and is now looking for a husband to care for her and her child.

What is controversial about this article is that it flies in the face of modern feminism, arguing that all women would be happier if they were married. Whether we'll admit it or not, even the most independent of women secretly desires a man to partner with her in life, if for no other reason than pure pragmatism.

But what is most surprising about the article is the author's solution to this problem: Settle. According to her, there's no use waiting around for Mr. Right if our high standards are getting in the way of finding a mate. It's not that we should marry a complete jerk, but perhaps we should trade in tall, dark and handsome for short, chubby and reponsible.

What follows is an excerpt from the article, which appeared in The Atlantic Monthly (a secular publication):

When we’re holding out for deep romantic love, we have the fantasy that this level of passionate intensity will make us happier. But marrying Mr. Good Enough might be an equally viable option, especially if you’re looking for a stable, reliable life companion. Madame Bovary might not see it that way, but if she’d remained single, I’ll bet she would have been even more depressed than she was while living with her tedious but caring husband.

What I didn’t realize when I decided, in my 30s, to break up with boyfriends I might otherwise have ended up marrying, is that while settling seems like an enormous act of resignation when you’re looking at it from the vantage point of a single person, once you take the plunge and do it, you’ll probably be relatively content. It sounds obvious now, but I didn’t fully appreciate back then that what makes for a good marriage isn’t necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship. Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business. And I mean this in a good way.

I don’t mean to say that settling is ideal. I’m simply saying that it might have gotten an undeservedly bad rap. As the only single woman in my son’s mommy-and-me group, I used to listen each week to a litany of unrelenting complaints about people’s husbands and feel pretty good about my decision to hold out for the right guy, only to realize that these women wouldn’t trade places with me for a second, no matter how dull their marriages might be or how desperately they might long for a different husband. They, like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone, because they, like me, realize that marriage ultimately isn’t about cosmic connection—it’s about how having a teammate, even if he’s not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all.

If you're interested in reading the whole article, click here.

On some level I think there is sound advice in this article. Far too often, women have unrealistic standards for their husbands, standards which not only make dating a total nightmare, but make marriage deeply disillusioning. Women must instead accept the reality that they're only marrying a human being, and it's going to be hard at times. But if your husband is faithful and dependable, then you're actually a pretty lucky gal.

That said, there are several things that concern me about this article, the first being that the author has never actually been married. I myself have never been married, but from what I've heard, marriage is pretty hard even in the best of circumstances. With that in mind, I wouldn't want to be tied down with someone I only feel lukewarm about. Given the divorce rate, that just seems foolish. I am therefore wondering if her experience with marriage is too limited to speak authoritatively.

But in addition to this concern, I don't like the mentality that it feeds. While I think that her advice has some good points to it, I found myself feeling increasingly panicked as I read it. She described the desperation of women who are willing to settle more and more with every passing decade, and I found myself thinking, "I can't let that happen to me! I have to get married NOW!"

Granted, there is a part of me that was created by God to desire such a partner, but that desperation is alarming. The idea that we should find a husband by any means necessary reflects an absence of trust in God's sovereignty. No, the author is not Christian, but when it comes to believers we cannot let panic about marriage direct our path. We must resist the urge to take full control of our lives and instead trust that maybe, just maybe, God might know what He's doing.

Again, I am not saying that means we should lock ourselves indoors and wait for Prince Charming to come knocking, nor am I advocating that women should have unrealistic dating standards and hold out for Jesus Christ himself. But, we should never become so desperate that finding a husband becomes a way of life, a need so great that almost any guy will do.

What do you think? On this particular issue I must admit that I am in the same position as the author herself, so if you're married and you have some insights for us single girls, we'd love to hear them. Take a look at the article and write your thoughts. I would appreciate having a godly perspective on marriage from people who have actually been married.

Either way, read the article--this is where our culture is headed, so we need a ready response. You will most certainly have conversations with your single friends at school or work about this very thing, so be thinking about how you might respond. How might you speak truth into the lives of these women, or yourself?

And He Will Rule Over You

2008-04-16T09:09:00.006-05:00

There are few verses that will stick in a feminist's craw like Genesis 3:16.

(And in case you're wondering, "stick in her craw" is southern for "annoy." Or in this case, "send her into a scathing tirade about patriarchy")

To some extent, this frustration is entirely understandable. The idea that women will desire their husbands, but their husbands will rule over them? It's all very non-21st century. But more importantly, this verse has actually been used to legitimize abuse. It's as if subordination is somehow a woman's lot in life, and there is nothing we can do about it because it came straight from the mouth of God.

Well this is just one of many interpretations that I've encountered, but none of them have ever really resounded with me. Most of the interpretations I've read were subtly pushing a larger agenda---If you don't like male authority, then you might talk about this verse as a clear sign of the curse. In your mind, it is by no means a prescription for acceptable behavior. If, on the other hand, you want to reinforce male authority, you might appeal to this verse as a description of the way things are, a reality we should readily accept. These readings are clearly on the far ends of the spectrum, but the interpretations range all over.

This weekend, however, I finally heard an interpretation that sounds about right. In all honesty, I have no idea if it reflects the original intentions of the author, but it has proven to be true in my own life, so I want to run it by you today. It was proposed by my pastor in his sermon on Sunday, and I have found it to be incredibly insightful.

My pastor interpreted Genesis 3:16 in a kind of cause and effect manner--because we desire our husband, he rules over us. Let me tease this out a bit...

For many women, marriage is the the be all and the end all of life. We want a husband, not only as a means to a family, but as a means to wholeness. We won't feel complete until we have someone telling us we are valuable and beautiful. In this way, our lives becomes centered around finding that man, and holding his attention when we do. Consequently, he becomes an idol that ultimately supplants God.

As a result of this idolatry, our husbands rule over us, but not in the way you might imagine. He could be the most passive, docile person in the world, but because you have made him your lord, he has the power to grant or take away your contentment. You place him in the position of being your god, so he becomes your master. You are a slave to making him happy and gaining his approval, which can sometimes be gratifying, but if you fail it is devastating.

With all of that in mind, Genesis 3:16 is a startlingly accurate prognosis of today's culture--many women are ruled by their husbands, or the prospect of having a husband, not because of any wrong-doing on the part of the man, but because we desire them first instead of God. While the desire for a husband is not, in itself, wrong, it is spiritually fatal when it becomes an inordinate desire.

Fortunately, that is not our "lot in life." Yes, it is a temptation to which we often succumb, but we serve a God who is working redemption throughout the world, which means we have the power to resist such temptation. This is not a call to rebel against our husbands or the institution of dating, but we should certainly love them appropriately. The love we have for a man should not be parasitic, but life-giving--a love without fear or need; a love from a woman set free by the grace of Christ.

That, I believe, is one of the best interpretations of Genesis 3:16 that I've ever heard. Even today, it gets right to the core of a woman's heart, and seems to understand our nature in the profoundest of ways. It also pushes me to ask the telling question, "What do I desire?"

So...what do you desire??

Submission in Dating

2008-04-13T22:30:00.009-05:00

A couple weeks ago I wrote a post about submission, and since that time I have had some interesting conversations about it. In particular, I started talking with one of my friends about the role of submission in dating. He was asking my thoughts on the topic since submission is part of marriage, and dating is preparation for marriage--given those two presuppositions, is there such a thing as submission in dating? Unfortunately, there are hardly any resources on the subject, so I thought I would follow up the earlier post with some thoughts on the topic.

(And in case you want to read my original post about submission, you can check it out here)

First off, this is an issue that has tripped up many a young lady in the beginnings of a dating relationship. Because we desire a man to be a spiritual leader, some of us will simply hand over the reins and let him determine the direction right away. This can play out in a variety of ways, but in my experience it has led to major problems. The mistake I made was in trusting a man to lead me without taking the time to discern whether he was actually able to do so.

Some men simply aren't spiritually mature enough to lead you or make wise decisions in their handling of the relationship. Because of this reality, it would be foolish to trust their judgment blindly without first learning whether or not their judgment is Christ-centered.

For instance, in the past I have entered into serious relationships pre-maturely, and walked down many other paths that I knew were dangerous to trod, all because I was following my boyfriend's leading. I didn't exercise any kind of real discernment because I thought that I was called to follow him.

With all of that in mind, submission is not entirely appropriate in dating. Dating is the period in which you determine whether or not to submit to a man in marriage. Prior to a marital commitment, you are discerning whether or not he is right for such a radical step of trust.

Granted, there is no man who will be perfect in that regard, but you should be sure to marry a man who will seek God in all areas of his life, including you and your future family. That is the kind of man you are wise in submitting to, but that is not information that you can know with certainty right away. For that reason, it is important that you guard your heart, especially at the beginning.

Now all of this is not to say that the man shouldn't be a spiritual leader in a dating relationship. On the contrary, he should. BUT, the leadership must be exercised in ever-increasing stages. At first, the man should take the lead in the logistical parts of dating--initiating time together, expressing his intentions, and doing these things in a way that honors you.

Gradually, he should start taking more spiritual and emotional leadership (ie. praying together, reading Scripture together, asking you about your faith, as well as talking about your feelings, long-term commitment, etc.). However, this stage should be done very carefully because women are far more emotionally influenced by spiritual intimacy, so it could usher the relationship into a serious commitment rather quickly.

Now here's the catch--although the man should be doing all of these things, it is the women's choice as to whether she will follow. Ladies, this is very important, because it is not your prerogative to follow his leadership if you are not yet sure of his character. In the same way that you wouldn't go out with a random guy you met in a bar simply because he asked, you don't need to follow every single suggestion you receive from the guy you're seeing if you don't know the source of his judgment.

You see the reason a man should lead in a dating relationship is two-fold. The first is the most obvious--it is preparation for marriage. If he's not a leader before marriage, he certainly won't be a leader in marriage. But the second reason that a man should be exercising leadership is that he is demonstrating whether or not his leadership is trustworthy. If he is consistently dependable, thoughtful, and strong, then a woman can trust his leadership because he is earning credibility through his actions. The longer he demonstrates these attributes, then the more she can actively defer to his leadership. This progression of increasing trust will continue all the way into marriage.

If, on the other hand, his decision making is inconsistent or reckless, then you need to be guarded. Don't follow him simply because he's a man, but instead exercise discernment. If you reach a point at which you simply cannot trust his leadership, and enough time has passed to make an informed decision, then the relationship needs to end.

In addition to these practical points, there is one final element that sticks out in my mind on the topic of submission. Marital submission is meant to reflect the Church's relationship to Christ--the Church submits to a king who laid his life down for her. In that instance, submission is freedom.

Having established that, submission in dating is somewhat inappropriate because it requires you to submit to someone who hasn't laid himself down for you. When you submit to someone in a dating relationship, you engage in a kind of intimacy that was only designed for marriage. The cross teaches us that intimacy and sacrifice go hand in hand, so it is only when a couple professes to lay down their lives for one another that their intimacy reflects the intimacy we have in Christ.

Again, it's important to let your boyfriend take the lead at some point. Don't follow him blindly, but if he has earned your trust then don't fight his leadership--embrace it. For some women, this is more of a heart issue than a guy-specifc issue. Many of us struggle with the concept of submission, simply because we want to be in control. There is, however, a healthy middle ground between blindly following and jaded guardedness. No, there isn't an airtight formula, but if you prayerfully search your heart in this process, as well as seeking godly counsel, then God will surely direct your steps in this messy, messy business that is Christian dating.

The Difference Between Boys and Girls

2008-04-09T13:00:00.007-05:00

Last week my pastor was telling me about a comedian who was making fun of women for their naiveté about the male mind. The comedian claimed that if we really knew the thoughts that men have about women, then we would be slapping them about once a minute.

For a lot of women, the concept of lust is an abstract topic. When I see a guy running with his shirt off, I think one of two things: "Hm, he's pretty cute," or "He needs to put his shirt back on because no one wants to see that." And that is the end of it.

For men, it is an entirely different matter. Yes, women have impure thoughts, but the degree to which we have them is so holey other than men that it is often hard for us to grasp. And because of this disconnect, we have frequently underestimated the importance of modesty. I know I always have.

Well that naiveté has recently come to a screeching halt. I heard a story on the radio a couple weeks ago that gave an incredibly insightful look into the male mind, so I want to share it with you here. The better we understand guys, the better we can care for them as our brothers in Christ, so while the story is a bit graphic, I think you'll find it to be very helpful.

The story I heard was about a woman who decided to become a man. She had been a lesbian for years, but one day she realized that at her core, she was created to be a male. As a result of this epiphany, she took the medical steps necessary to change genders. One of these steps included testosterone injections, and the bulk of the story focused on the ways in which testosterone changed her/his thought life.

More specifically, the way in which this individual looked at women was profoundly altered. When reflecting on the way in which he thought about women prior to the injections, he said that he might have seen an attractive woman on the subway, and thought about how pretty she was, and how he might like to talk to her, what they might talk about, where they might go out on a date. etc. Innocent enough.

Following the injections, his thought process changed quite dramatically. The response was far more carnal and explicitly sexual. He would imagine, in detail, the nature of their sexual relationship. But even more disturbing to him was that he by no means desired to have such sexually charged thoughts. He felt like a jerk for thinking about women so erotically, but he was bombarded by the images on a constant basis, and he subsequently thought about sex all the time.

He went on to explain other ways in which his newly male thought life played out, and it was rather shocking. I won't go into all of it here, but suffice it to say that I was blushing during some of the descriptions. Yet in spite of the graphic detail, it was striking to hear a woman recount her journey into the male mind, and it is no wonder that he was surprised by it. The way that men and women think about the opposite sex is TRULY different.

At one point during the story, he admitted that his thought life had been so tremendously altered that one of his female co-workers actually accused him of being a misogynist. Needless to say, the co-worker didn't know that he used to be a woman, but the incident was a great indicator of how much he had changed. In becoming a man, he had to wrestle with the new thought life that ensued, and he was totally unprepared for it.

If you're interested in hearing the entire story, you can download it here. I would highly recommend listening to the whole thing because it captures the visceral nature of his thoughts much better than I have here. It quite literally shocked me into being more modest.

In listening to this story, I felt as though my eyes had been opened to this huge difference between men and women. But more importantly, it convicted me about the importance of helping guys in this area. If this "man's" story is any kind of reflection of the typical male struggle, then most men are going to wrestle greatly with the sin of lust, so we don't need to be pushing them into it. Men do need to take some responsibility for their own thoughts lives, but we must not be so careless as to tempt them. Instead, we must guard our purity and pursue modesty. You may think that you look super cute in that tube top, but your guy friends might think otherwise, so honor their struggle by exercising discernment in the way you dress.

So as one sister to another, here is my parting advice: Put away the cleavage, pull up your low rise jeans, and don't even think about wearing those microscopic shorts and skirts that look like glorified underwear. Dress like a lady, because you are a woman of God, not a piece of meat to be ogled. If the normal male mind is anything like this story described, you do NOT want to be ogled.

(And just so you know that I'm not a total Christian prude, here is a great article that just appeared in the Wall Street Journal about the effects that our casual sex culture has had on young women. Click here to read about it.)

Recovering Chivalry

2008-04-06T14:33:00.005-05:00

I think God is trying to tell me something. More specifically, I think He's trying to tell me that the way I have been dating has been really screwed up.

This sinking suspicion has emerged for a number of reasons, the first being a conversation I had with one of my roommates. I was explaining to her that I have never in my life dated a guy who waited to make a move on me (ie. hold my hand, put his arm around me, kiss me, etc.) until AFTER we were officially dating. The "move" usually occurred somewhere in the beginning stages of getting to know one another, and only after it happened did we eventually move into the relationship phase.

Because this was my only experience with Christian guys, I assumed it was the norm, but my roommate assured me that it is not. Or at least it is not the ideal. In fact, it would be a deal breaker for her. Apparently some guys are gentlemen enough to wait until long after the DTR before allowing the relationship to become physical. I just haven't dated any of them, so I assumed they were little more than Christian urban legend.

The second sign that God was trying to tell me something is that my pastor has decided to preach through Song of Solomon, and during the past two Sundays he has talked about dating. Today's sermon was actually entitled, "How to Date and Love a Woman," and he laid out parameters for men in their pursuit of women.

One of those parameters involved the importance of keeping the physical relationship in check. As my pastor explained it, physical touch is an extremely easy way to communicate, which is why we often fall into it first. But, the effectiveness of that kind of communication fades over time in marriage, so you need to found your relationship on the kind of communication that lasts. What's more, if you embark on physical communication before you have firmly built up your verbal communication, then you will short circuit the entire process. It will be far more difficult to build verbal communication because the physical is what you default to. My pastor therefore urged young couples to abstain from the physical as long as possible, and even then, to be highly cautious.

Well between my roommate and my pastor, I am getting the message loud and clear: Physical intimacy has little to no place in the beginnings of a Christian relationship. If your "gentleman caller" dives into it right away, then it is an immediate red flag.

Unfortunately, there is a problem. The problem is that I have trained myself to look for affirmation in the exact way my pastor warned against. If a guy doesn't make some sort of move after we've been going out for awhile, I start to doubt his intentions--is he not attracted to me? Does he only want to be friends? Is something wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? It doesn't matter if he's being consistent in pursuing time with me--if he isn't doing the one thing that I am used to guys doing, then I doubt the entire relationship.

What is ironic is that I have always criticized other girls for this very mindset. I once had a guy friend who was dating a non-Christian girl, and the couple began to flounder when she wanted to have sex, but he didn't. She began to feel emotionally isolated from him because, in her mind, if he didn't want to have sex with her, then he must not really desire her at all.

When my friend told me about this situation, I reflected on how topsy-turvy our world has become--the fact that a woman would need extra-marital sex in order to know that the relationship is strong, reveals how fundamentally we misunderstand healthy love and relationships. Our world is so backwards that ungodly behavior has become the standard of acceptability, the standard of rightness and goodness!

Well little did I know that I am suffering from the same syndrome. I have become so influenced by what I see on tv and the movies, by the past relationships that I have had, that I don't recognize chivalry, godly pursuit, when I see it. Instead, I am looking for worldly affirmation, and I am discouraged when I do not get it.

So with all of that in mind, I would like to close with two thoughts, one for the guys, and one for the girls. First and foremost, guys: We need you to be men of integrity, even if we punish you for it at times. Many of us girls have a lot of emotional baggage that we will bring into our relationship with you, but stand firm and treat us like the sisters in Christ that we are. We may even resist it at first, get mad at you when we don't get the kind of affection we desire, but we will appreciate it in the long run. Even if the relationship doesn't work out, we'll be able to look back and think, "At least he always honored me as a woman of God."

And ladies, if you have found yourself in a similar position to mine, look to Scripture and talk to trustworthy Christian leaders when you need a godly perspective. Don't listen to the rest of the world, and don't even listen to some of your other Christian friends, because a lot of us are getting this whole dating thing wrong, and we are pulling one another down in the process. There is a better way, a kind of dating in which we are treated as the precious daughters of God that we are, so don't settle. It's out there, and it's worth waiting for. If we want to recover chivalry, then we must help our brothers to do so.

Submission: A Touchy Subject

2008-04-04T07:28:00.012-05:00

A couple days ago a friend of mine asked me about my approach to the Scripture passages on marital submission. He had just spoken with a fellow student who felt that, while most of the Bible offered hope and redemption to the world, this particular topic has served to perpetuate evil and oppression.

Following the conversation, my friend appealed to me for insight since the perspective of a male carries a little less weight on this topic. Below is a version of the e-mail I wrote in response. I decided to post it today because these passages are indeed difficult and have certainly been abused, but given that Christians do not have the option to ignore them or erase them, we must find a way to engage them such that they cohere with the whole of the Bible. What follows is my approach:

This is a topic I have thought a lot about. I wrote a little about it on my blog, so you can check that out if you want. That particular post deals with authority in general, but at the end I address marital submission. (Click here for that link)

Now in regard to your friend, I think she is confusing submission with oppression. Submission does not mean being a doormat for your husband's every whim, and it does not legitimize emotional and physical abuse. In light of the way women are treated around the world, that is a very important distinction to make.

Overall, the goal of submission is not blind obedience to your husband. The goal is to build him up as a godly leader. That said, if you simply do everything he tells you without ever questioning or challenging him or holding him accountable, then you're not really building him up as a godly leader. A husband needs to receive input and wise counsel; he needs an alternative perspective from someone that God created to complement his gifts and personality. Submission cannot, therefore, exclude these things. If it does, then it fails to achieve its ultimate goal.

Similarly, remaining in an abusive relationship does not build up a husband either. Rather, it facilitates his sin, so out of love for her husband and herself, a wife should not enable that behavior to continue by remaining in that relationship. It will not only destroy her, but her husband as well.

There is also another important distinction between godly submission and abuse, and that is the presence of power. In godly submission, a woman has the option not to submit. She can choose not to listen to her husband, or resist his leading--but out of respect for his leadership, she does not exercise that power. (In much the same way that we use our freedom in Christ to become a slave to Christ) So in her freedom she chooses to submit.

Conversely, abuse implies force. In the case of oppression, a woman is stripped of her power. The woman has no choice in the matter--she is trapped by an unhealthy relationship or culture, and has no other option. So whereas submission involves the exercise of freedom, abuse involves the absence of it.

I could write a whole lot more but this is getting long so I will end with this--when you look at the Scriptural commands to husbands, and then look at the Scriptural commands to wives, it's kind of laughable that women get so upset over what we have to do. You guys have MUCH more responsibility--in addition to all the ways you have to care for us, you are ultimately asked to LAY YOUR LIVES DOWN for us, and that is no small thing. (Eph. 5:22-33)

So given the many, many, many things that God requires of husbands, I have little hesitation in submitting to someone who has been asked to lay his life down for me, given that he'll be putting my best interest first. This is not a matter of equality or ability--submission is rather a means for accessing God's provision for women. God desires that men care for us, but we must let them.

No, this is not going to play out perfectly every time because men are sinful and will act selfishly sometimes. But, I find much greater peace in trusting God's teachings on submission than in trying to control my life all by myself, and constantly making sure that no one takes advantage of me. That is a dismally paranoid and perpetually guarded way to live.

In closing, I want to add 2 things. One--it cannot be restated enough that marriage is to imitate the relationship between Christ and the Church. That said, if you have a problem with submission as it is understood within the context of Scripture, then you must address a greater theological issue. Marriage is designed to reflect Christ and the Church, and the Church submits to Christ, which means that godly marriages must reflect this dynamic as well. To deny the goodness of submission within marriage is to deny the goodness of the Church's submission to Christ.

Two--I feel compelled to reiterate that submission is meant to create freedom, not oppression, so in the event that someone uses Scripture to legitimize abuse, they are no longer speaking of submission as Scripture understands it. Submission and abuse of any kind are not the same and must never be confused.

So there you have it. A brief examination of a very complex subject, but hopefully this has been helpful for some of you. Given the degree to which these passages have been perverted, it is important to understand them in a healthy way, especially since these perversions have led Christians to ignore the passages altogether. But if we believe that the Bible is the Word of God, then that is a move we are never permitted to make. So we must instead confront the Scriptures head on, and figure out how they fit into the larger paradigm of a God who comes to bring life and hope. Even passages on submission carry such a message.

Girl on Girl Action

2008-04-02T09:32:00.010-05:00

(Sorry to disappoint some of you, but the title is referring to something other than what you might be thinking...)

One of my all time favorite movies is the teen comedy/satire Mean Girls. Although the movie has its share of crude language and humor, I love watching it because it portrays the destructive power of female cattiness so perfectly. It is a clever and telling illustration of human fallenness, and the way in which that fallenness has resulted in broken relationships.

In case you are not familiar with the plot, the movie is about a teenage girl who has been homeschooled in Africa for her entire life, until her parents move back to the States and she is thrust into an American high school. What she discovers is that the jungles of Africa are not unlike the jungles of high school. Like the African savannah, high school is all about survival of the fittest, and the girls seem to be most adept at this game.

The analogy between Africa and high school is a brilliant one to make. I'm sure we can all remember wanting to fit in, and the measures we took to attain that goal. Unfortunately, this sometimes occured at another's expense, and that is the conflict of Mean Girls--the young girl so desperately desires to be popular that she tramples on any one and everyone to get there.

Well as perfectly as this movie depicts the high school experience, I have to admit that it also depicts the more general female experience in life. For me, that cattiness did not end in high school--it followed me on into college, into adulthood, and even into the church.

As much as I would like to say that the meanest girls of all were the immature teeny-boppers from high school, I must confess that the worst treatment I have ever received was at the hands of other Christian women. And I know I am not alone in this. When it comes to female fellowship, this is one area in which we are not being a light to the culture. On the contrary, we could learn a thing or two about loyalty from the women on Sex and the City, and when it has come to that, we are at a very bad place.

For some reason, our identities in Christ have not set us free from competition and cliques. Instead, we have continued those behaviors, but under the banner of Christ, which is all the more detestable. Using the subtle tactics of manipulation, we hurt others to get ahead. We "forget" to invite one another to social events, we exclude one another from Bible studies, and we become territorial about our male friends.

And while we may try to excuse our actions, claiming, "I didn't know that would hurt her feelings" or "I just didn't think to invite her," deep down we knew all along. I cannot tell you how many times I have thought, "She might perceive this the wrong way" or "If I say this to her it might hurt her," but considering my friend's feelings meant making a sacrifice of time and energy that I was not willing to give, so I instead did what I wanted at her expense.

So I will be the first to admit that I have participated in this kind of ungodly behavior. I will also be the first to admit that it is unacceptable. Ladies, we are sisters in Christ, not enemies in the competition to find a husband. We are not rivals in some Christian popularity contest to be the best Bible study leader, worship team singer, wife, or mom. In theory, we have been released from all of those strivings, but we instead perpetuate them all the more.

Most likely, you know very well if you have ever bought into those lies. You know if you have hurt someone in the past for your own selfish gain. In fact, it may not have even bothered you at the time. That is perhaps the most appalling thing of all--we can hurt our sisters in Christ without batting an eye. This should disturb us greatly, because that kind of behavior, a behavior in which we are willing to steal, kill and destroy all for our own sake, comes directly from Satan.

As I write this, I have to admit that it is coming from a place of anger and frustration in my heart--I recently spoke with a young woman who has been hurt by her friends for no good reason at all, but hers is not the first story I have heard. I have had many, many conversations with young women who have been trampled by their Christian friends, and after awhile, it gets old. As a minister to women, it is frustrating to feel as though I'm working against other Christians, rather than with them. My job would be considerably easier if women didn't hurt each other so much.

BUT, my anger does not legitimize bitterness, and this is an area in which Christian women struggle just as much. When someone hurts us, especially someone we trusted because of their professed faith in Christ, it is hard to move past that wound. However, the way in which we respond to such situations says just as much about our faith in Christ as it does when we willingly hurt others. Just because someone hurts you does not permit you to slander them. Nor is it healthy to ignore or ostracize that person when you see them in church. I have tried all of those tactics, and they only serve to cement the bitterness, rather than dissolve it. What's more, they secure division, instead of moving toward reconciliation.

That said, we must accept the reality that as long as the Church is populated by sinners, we are going to be hurt by our Christian friends. And while that does not excuse the behavior, we need to set our minds on the best way to redeem such circumstances. When you get hurt, will you wallow in self pity and spend countless hours thinking about what a hypocrite your friend is, or will you love them anyway, in the same way that Christ loved you? Will you harbor bitterness in your heart, or will you forgive them seventy times seven, given the infinite sin God has forgiven you?

We may not be able to control whether or not someone hurts us, but we can control two things: 1) Whether we hurt another person, and 2) Whether we will stop the cycle when someone hurts us. What it ultimately comes down to is that we as women need to take more ownership in the integrity of the Church. Too often we forget that we are all leaders and ministers of the Gospel--we are half of the Church's very identity, after all, so we have a powerful hand in the Church's work. We can either strengthen the Church's witness, or poison it, but it is up to us. So let us not deceive ourselves into thinking that one small wound to another sister's heart is of little consequence. On the contrary, in doing so we have tarnished the very name of Christ. Let us love one another with that degree of reverence and urgency.

The Virtue of Doubt

2008-03-28T07:11:00.011-05:00

Have you ever stopped and wondered, "What if this is all just a big lie? What if God doesn't exist? What if Jesus is nothing more than a myth, like the gods and goddesses of the Greeks, or the exalted figureheads of Eastern religions? What if Karl Marx was right, and religion was only created to be an opiate for the masses?"

I certainly do. A lot, in fact. Especially when I haven't felt God's presence in a long time, and my faith has been too long sustained by habit and discipline alone--that is when I really start to wonder about it all.

For many of us, such thoughts are disorienting, if not terrifying. When this happens, we begin to question all that our lives have stood for, and we even wonder about the validity of our salvation. After all, a good Christian wouldn't doubt, right?

Well I heard a fantastic sermon on Easter morning that addressed this very issue. The sermon explored the story of Thomas--a very strange choice for Easter Sunday, indeed! But a good one, nonetheless. The pastor examined Thomas' doubt, and instead of condemning Thomas for his unbelief, as many Christians have done throughout history, the pastor commended him for it. Why? Because doubt is the gateway to knowledge, not the denial of it.

To explain what he meant in affirming Thomas' behavior, the pastor read a quote from a theologian named Pierre Abelard that really drives the point home:

The beginning of wisdom is found in doubting; by doubting we come to the question, and by seeking we may come upon the truth.

Contrary to our instincts, doubt is actually a virtue. It is blind faith that can be dangerous. In blind faith, we never really know why we believe what we believe. Instead, we accept things without discrimination, thereby forfeiting any degree of credibility with those around us. In blind faith, our belief is based on gullibility or sheer stubbornness, but not evidence.

Doubt, on the other hand, pushes us to question, and questioning leads to answers. The more we push God, the more we will learn about Him. And we need not worry that God will be disappointed in us--He will not shrink back under our examination. Just as Christ was happy to show Thomas his wounds, God can meet us in our doubt. He is more than able to stand up under scrutiny.

Now that is not to say that doubt is the kind of virtue we should cling to and cultivate every step of the way. It is not virtuous to become arrogant, jaded or cynical in our doubt. At some point we must step out on faith, even if we don't have all the answers. But that step should be an informed one, not a blind one.

So if you are struggling with doubt right now, do not question yourself or your salvation. Odds are, God desires you to deepen your faith, not undermine it, so He has brought you into this season for a distinct purpose. And if you have never before doubted in your life, I might press you to wonder why. We live in a complicated world that is governed by an infinite God, and those two components do not always fit into nice, neat, black and white boxes. That said, it is natural to be confused at times, and to wonder about God's ways, so don't be afraid to question Him. In fact, I would be worried if you haven't. Scripture tells us that if we seek then we will find--there is no promise for those who do not seek.

Flattery

2008-03-26T15:08:00.017-05:00

I would like to begin today's post with the wise, wise words of a bunny named Thumper. Since the release of the animated movie Bambi, Disney has aided in the moral formation of many a child as scolding mother's across America have quoted this classic line:

If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all.

(Excuse the double negative--he's a rabbit)

As basic as that teaching is, I have come to live by those words. Throughout my life I have said many, many stupid things that I wish I could stuff back into my mouth, so over the years I have learned to ask myself, "Will this be edifying?" before speaking. Needless to say I'm still working on it.

But being the over-achiever that I am, I was not content to stop there, so I decided to take Thumper's teachings even further. Instead of saying "nothing at all," I began to live by the motto, "If you can't say something nice, say something nice anyway." Surely this is the height of virtue! So I patted myself on the back every time I spoke niceties and kind words, rather than gossip or slander. I am a really good Christian, I thought.

Well it turns out that bunny is smarter than I realized. I probably should have stopped while I was ahead before improving on his age old wisdom, because I discovered something in the Bible that is a little troubling. Shockingly, saying nice things about people is not always a good thing. In fact, it can be very, very bad.

When it comes to excessive praise, Scripture is very clear on this point. It makes statements such as, "A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin," (Prov. 26:28) and "A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet." (Prov. 29:5) The heaping on of compliments, flattery, is not merely to be avoided; it is a highly destructive act.

Now I don't know about you, but I've always glossed over these passages without ever really considering what flattery is, so I decided to pull out the dictionary and have a look. After all, if flattery is essentially the act of saying nice things, what is the problem? And at what point am I doing it? Well here are some definitions I found...

1. To try to please by complimentary remarks or attention.
2. To praise or compliment insincerely, effusively, or excessively
3. To represent favorably; gratify by falsification
4. To show to advantage
5. To play upon the vanity or susceptibilities of; cajole, wheedle, or beguile

*fyi, upon reading this definition, I subsequently had to look up the word "wheedle"--it means "to influence through flattery or the art of persuasion"

The common thread between all of these definitions is that the compliments being delivered are categorically untrue. But perhaps the more important subtext of these definitions is that the flatterer stands something to gain--why else would you lie to someone?

That said, flattery becomes flattery when it is done for the sake of the flatterer. Even if the compliments are deserved, there is a degree of insincerity to them if given for the wrong reason.

So when exactly do we go awry with our compliments? Well there is the obvious stuff--flattering a boss to get ahead, flattering a group of peers who you would desperately like to be friends with, etc. But I suspect it is more widespread than that. If you are any kind of people pleaser at all, and I am, then flattery may actually define your way of relating to people. You cannot help but dole out the compliments to everyone around you--"You look SO pretty today," "That outfit is SO cute," or "I love you SO much I can barely stand to be away from you for a second."

It's not that saying these things are wrong in and of themselves. In fact, it's really important to affirm one another regularly. BUT, we have to check our motives in doing so. Are we doing it for the sake of getting other peoples' approval, because we want others to like us? Before we dole out the praise so excessively, we need to ask ourselves why we are doing it.

And why is this so important? After all, what is the harm in saying nice things to people? Why is Scripture so harsh on this point? The problem is that it not only harms the flatterer, but the person being flattered as well.

Now to understand how flattery can harm the recipient of the compliment, we can look to the first few episodes of American Idol. Every time I watch those horrible singers, burying my face while they embarrass themselves in front of millions of people, I think to myself, "Where were their friends and family? And more importantly, why didn't they stop them?!?!" That right there is one example of flattery gone awry. Instead of being honest, those singers' friends and family allowed them to publicly humiliate themselves.

When we flatter someone who does not deserve the flattery, we do them a disservice. We lie to them and encourage them instead of telling them the difficult truths that they need to hear. I have done this the most when someone has asked me whether or not I thought their behavior was wrong. Rather than be honest and say the difficult thing, I have wimped out and instead focused on the "positive," going so far as to praise them for the things they are doing right. In doing so, I not only compromised myself, but pushed my friend further into a destructive behavior. That is why those proverbs use such harsh language--when you flatter someone, you are often setting them up to fall.

But the other problem with flattery is that it can be harmful to the flatterer. It enforces a mindset in which we are constantly basing our worth upon the approval of others. We cannot pass up the opportunity to win someone's affection, so we dole out the praises excessively. In doing so, we reinforce a dependency upon man's approval rather than God's.

So I challenge you to watch your words. Just because you aren't gossiping or slandering others does not mean you are loving them well. Satan has a knack for taking every good thing and perverting it for his own ends, and kind words are no exception. Examine your heart and determine why you say the things you say. Your compliments may seem harmless at the time, but Romans 16:18 reminds us: "Such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive."

Flattery is no small thing, so if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all. But even when you can say something nice, it may still be best to keep quiet.

Maybe I Should Go on The Bachelor...

2008-03-24T22:00:00.009-05:00

Last week I sat through the entire season premier of The Bachelor. I’ve never been able to endure it before, but I was suffering from strep throat and a fever so my defenses were down. Now that’s not to say that I haven’t followed a few seasons of The Bachelor in my day….oh, I have! But there’s something about the first few episodes or so that I find to be particularly intolerable. It probably has something to do with the sheer volume of women who are throwing themselves at a man they just met.

But the other reason I was sucked into the episode is that there was not one, but two professing Christian women on the show. One was in church marketing (though I’m not entirely sure what that even means…) and the other was a youth minister. The youth minister got the ax pretty early, but Miss Church Marketer made it to the next round.

Interestingly, the last several seasons of The Bachelor have had at least one Christian contestant on board. Each one has valiantly clung to her virginity and her values (well, sort of), and publicly declared her faith at some point or another. I suppose the thinking is that, in being on a show like that, it’s a unique opportunity to share your witness and display Christian values. I’ve seen this evangelistic tactic used on other shows like The Real World and Survivor as well.

And there is something very appealing about this method. Not only do you get to embark on a unique experience that includes the glamor of being on tv, but you get the added bonus of telling people about Jesus. Win-win!

I, myself, have definitely considered this strategy before. What would it be like to be on The Bachelor? Would I make the cut? Would I make a statement for Christ? What if I won?? Not only would I be sharing the Gospel with millions of viewers, but potentially getting a husband as well!

In my wiser moments, I recognize the error in my logic. Not only is there no way that I would make the cut, and I cannot imagine a more humiliating experience than being rejected in front of all of America, but my motives for being on the show would be thoroughly unscriptural. While the Christians on The Bachelor may say that they’re in it for the ministry opportunity, I wouldn’t be surprised if they weren’t also drawn by the allure of these exceedingly dashing men. They are handsome, they are successful, and they are usually complete gentlemen—what more could a Christian girl want?

But at the end of the day, this method is little more than missionary dating. After all, the bachelors are never Christian, and they hook up with multiple women on the show. I don’t care how nice the package looks—if one of my college girls was thinking about dating a guy like that, I would advise something along the lines of, “Run away as fast as your little legs will carry you.”

The thing is, The Bachelor has come to look like one of the cleaner shows on television, not due to any virtue of its own, but because everything else is so bad. That's what makes it so easy to watch these shows and accept the worldview it portrays.

So from time to time it's important to stop and consider these errant perspectives. What are they exactly? Well aside from the fact that we see Christian women compromise themselves by dating non-Christians, The Bachelor essentially devalues women. Because of the way in which the show is set up, the Bachelor is forced to judge a woman’s acceptability based upon very superficial standards.

What's more, there are no unattractive women on that show, no women who might be lacking in the looks department, but are out making the world a better place. And because of this lack of balance, the show ends up conveying the message that looks are all that matter. In watching it, I begin to believe the lie that all a man wants in a wife is a cute face.

The final problematic teaching of this show is that it encourages women to strive after a husband with a degree of desperation that is oftentimes shameful. After having traded in their dignity for the sake of possibly finding their mate, these women become the pursuers, sinking to manipulation and game playing to win the prize. Not exactly the makings of a healthy relationship.

While this post is not intended to be a blanket condemnation of anyone who ever watches and enjoys The Bachelor, I thought it might be important to pause and remember exactly what it is we are teaching ourselves with the tv shows we follow. Are we planting seeds of desire that we should not have? Are we fantasizing about a type of life that does not honor God? Are we tempting ourselves to date men that we should avoid? At some point or another, all of the above apply, so we need to be guarded about the kind of media that we consume.

And don't think I've mastered this discipline. I'll probably need one of my roommates to smack me upside the head and remind me all of those things next Monday night when I find myself swooning over the latest Bachelor from England. Those accents kill me every time! :)

I'm an Aunt!

2008-03-21T12:30:00.004-05:00

Well, sort of.

Right now I'm in California visiting my brother and sister-in-law, and yesterday we all went to the pound to adopt a puppy! She is a 4 month old black lab named Isobel, "Izzy" for short, and she is awesome! Possibly the coolest dog in the world...second only to mine. :)

The first 24 hours of having her have been a relative walk in the park because she had minor surgery yesterday morning, and since that time she's been completely doped up on anesthesia. She slept the entire ride home, and then plopped down on her bed as soon as we got her inside.

The only time she came close to moving at all last night was when we would sit down beside her, and she would enthusiastically wag her tail in response. But as flattering as that felt, I think the wagging was less a sign of her affection for us, and more a side effect of the drugs--if she could talk, she probably would have been saying something along the lines of "I love you, man! No really, I LOVE you!"

Needless to say, we're not entirely sure what her personality will be like once she emerges from her drug induced haze, but so far she seems like a real sweetheart.

I have never adopted a dog from the pound, so this is all a new experience for me, and it's been very thought provoking. We were told that about 90% of dogs that end up in the pound are there because their owners had problems with them. Maybe the dog was aggressive, or barked too much, or peed all over the place, and so on. For all of these reasons and more, pet owners cast off their animals into fate's hands. Maybe another family will adopt them, but maybe not.

Given that background, Izzy's story is one of tremendous fortune. Not only was she rescued from possible death, but she was delivered from a horrible environment into the lap of luxury. In the home of my brother and sister-in-law, she is now loved unconditionally, and every one of her needs is attended to. She will never have to worry about food or water or shelter, and she will always be safe. She was loved before they even met her, and the rest of her life is secure.

Well as I sat next to little Izzy this morning watching her sleep, I thought about how her short life has been a beautiful story for Easter. Hers is a tale of being unloved, rejected, and handed over to possible death. But then, due to no action of her own, she was suddenly plucked from that state and delivered into the hands of someone who loved her, but not because of anything she had done, and will take care of her for the rest of her life. It is a perfect picture of redemption in Calabasas, CA.

Now I know this analogy is bordering on cheesy--something you might find in Reader's Digest or Chicken Soup for the Soul, but the reason I mention it is that this would have been a great Easter story, regardless of what time of the year it transpired. You see Easter is not something that happens once a year. While it is indeed important to set aside a special day to focus on Christ's death and resurrection, the story of Easter is something that happens every day of the year. Everywhere around us, God is bringing His salvation into the world, and everywhere around us He is working out redemption. Every moment contains a sign post, an echo, a whisper of what is to come--we must simply look for it.

So yes, mourn Good Friday and celebrate Easter Sunday, but don't stop there. God has created a world that shouts to us the goodness of His grace and love. Yesterday I found it in an L.A. County dog pound. I'm sure I will find it some place new today, if I only look.

Is There Religious Persecution in America?

2008-03-19T08:00:00.014-05:00

About a year after I graduated from college, someone asked me whether or not I had endured religious persecution at my school. After all, it was a secular university with a reputation for being liberal, so the assumption was that it must be hostile toward Christians.

Well I responded to the inquirer with an emphatic "yes." I then proceeded to tell them the story of one Easter morning when all the Christians on campus decided to wake up extra early and write "He is Risen" on the campus sidewalks in chalk. It seemed like a fairly benign gesture, but when the rest of the campus awoke that morning, there was a public outcry. Students wrote to the school newspaper complaining that the Christians were imposing their religion on them, and as a result, all the Christians were forced to wash off the sidewalks.

The reason that this story really irked me at the time is that other students would use chalk to write on our sidewalks all the time. What's more, the writing was often extremely political, and extremely liberal. I had to walk past countless statements with which I not only disagreed, but also found offensive. Why was it ok for the other students to write those kinds of things, but Christians couldn't write a non-confrontational phrase like "He is Risen?"

So that is the tale I told in reflecting on the "persecution" I endured as a college student. That was the "cross we had to bear." I'm sure I also enhanced the story with some woe-is-me dramatic flair.

Well since that time, I have come to realize that that incident was not, in fact, persecution. Were my toes stepped on? Yes. Was that a frustrating double standard? Yes. But persecution? Really? I'm not so sure. The fact that I would classify such an experience as persecution probably reveals that I don't really know what true persecution is.

My own ignorance on the topic became clear last week when I learned what some Christians endure in the prisons here in our country. After speaking with a number of the inmates, I am now convinced that our prisons contain one of the last true frontiers of religious persecution in America. Compared to them, my "persecution" is revealed to be a mere inconvenience.

Because devout faith is perceived to be a kind of weakness or attempt at sucking up to the authorities, Christian prisoners are actively targeted and harassed by the other inmates. Their Bibles are often torn up, and they suffer physical and verbal abuse because of their faith, so attending a weekly worship meeting is no small commitment.

When they come to worship, they are there against many, many odds. And they take their worship very seriously. For instance, the prison I visited also had a choir, and the members would not allow an inmate to join the choir if his witness was not consistent. If he was even caught doing something as small as using foul language, they would recommend to the pastor that he be removed. These men knew what it was to follow Christ, and they wanted everyone around them to know it as well, so they worked hard to guard their witness.

What a remarkable paradigm shift! Our country's criminals, our country's convicts, the individuals who we have locked up and turned our backs on--they are the ones who are standing for Christ with what is perhaps the most courage and ferocity in America. To me, that is both surprising and convicting. But then again, maybe I shouldn't be so surprised. After all, that is often the pattern we see in Scripture--God has a knack for working through those whom the rest of the world has shunned. He picks the most unlikely candidates to fight His good fight. And fighting, these inmates are.

This post concludes my reflections on the week I spent in West Virginia, and I hope it has challenged you as much as it has challenged me. But if nothing else, my greatest desire is that you would pray for our brothers and sisters in prison. They are in a very dark place, but because of that darkness their lights can shine all the brighter. Pray that they would be strong and persevere, as they have a ministry opportunity unlike any other. They truly need our prayers, so when you pray for the persecuted in China and the Middle East, do no forget the persecuted in America.

Mercy for Murderers...and Myself

2008-03-17T20:16:00.015-05:00

He was a senior in college and he had been living with his girlfriend for two years. He thought they would get married and live happily ever after. His whole life was ahead of him and everything seemed to be coming together.

But then one afternoon he came home and discovered his girlfriend in bed with his best friend. Blind with rage he left the apartment, got a gun, came back, and shot them both. Thirty years later, he is still in prison serving out his sentence for the two young lives that he cut short.

****************

The principal of the school never really liked him. He used to have a huge paddle with which he would whack the students upside the back or head whenever they got out of line, but the principal was particularly brutal to this young man. He used to come home with scrapes and bruises from the "punishments" he suffered at the hands of that principal.

Then one day the young man snapped. The principal took the abuse one step too far, and the next thing he knew he had whipped out a knife and was stabbing the principal, over and over and over. He would later learn that he had stabbed the principal over 20 times, so self-defense was not a plausible plea. After having been being found guilty of first degree murder, he had been in prison for decades.

*****************

These are just two of the stories I heard last week. These were also two of the men with whom I worshiped at the prison. Meeting them today, you would never guess that they had committed such heinous crimes. Now they are gentle, loving men, passionate about the Lord and committed to following Him.

These men also know a thing or two about redemption. They are now using their stories to impact the lives of young people around their state. They travel to schools and invite students into the prison, all for the purpose of sharing their tales so that others will not make the same mistakes. God is clearly working through them.

Now in spite of the fact that these men have turned their lives around, I was very much startled by the degree of sympathy I felt for them. As crazy as it may sound, if it were up to me I would probably let them go free! Yes, they had engaged in horrible acts, but now they are different men. They are not the same individuals that they were years ago, and because of that, my heart yearns to show them mercy. Even when I think about the pain and suffering their victim's families had endured, my heart was still softened toward them.

Strange, right?

At first, I thought my feelings of compassion were misplaced. How could I feel pity for a man who took the life of another? If anything, I should feel pity for the friends and families who were impacted by the crime, but not the perpetrator of the crime.

Well as I have meditated on these feelings more and more, I have come to a wonderful realization. The sympathy and mercy that my heart yearns to show these men, even in the face of profound sin, is a reflection of the very heart of God. Even when confronted with our depraved souls and our selfish lifestyles, God still desires to show us mercy. He still yearns to redeem our lives and give us a second chance.

Mercy in the face of sin: that is the very heartbeat of God. But for me personally, the point at which this divine characteristic becomes the most difficult to embody is in showing that same mercy to myself. How easy it was for me to sympathize with murderers, but I have yet to forgive myself for sins in my past. They still haunt my memory and make me cringe at the thought. I wonder if I will ever let them go.

That said, my experience in that prison was also a lesson in the lavishness of God's mercy, a mercy we must remember to extend to others, as well as ourselves. Yes, God is a God of justice, and He detests sin more than we can understand, but He also loves us enough to deliver us from it. I think the inmates grasped this concept, and that was the reason for their immense joy. If I could simply wrap my mind around my own forgiveness, then perhaps I might be able to worship with an ecstasy that is comparable to my brothers in chains.

One Response to the Loss of Eve

2008-03-16T15:36:00.007-05:00

In the past couple days, the Durham-Chapel Hill area received some more sobering news. One of the men accused of murdering Eve Carson had actually shot and killed another area student several months ago. He had been arrested and detained for the crime, but due to some sort of paperwork error, he was inadvertently released back into the community.

Upon learning this news, I was outraged. Of all the mistakes to be made, this one is inexcusable, and now a family must suffer an irreplaceable loss because of it. It's also frightening to wonder if this kind of error has been made before. Are there other murderers wandering our city unchecked?

Now to some extent, the anger I feel toward the murderers, and the Durham justice system, is warranted. A horrible thing has happened, and we are grieving a loss. BUT, my pastor said something this morning that really put my self-righteousness in check.

In his sermon, my pastor mentioned a local elementary school in which 64 students are currently homeless. He then proceeded to explain that those homeless children are at the highest risk for turning to crime and getting involved with gangs. And I can understand why--when you don't have a home, your life becomes a matter of survival, and you do whatever you can to get by.

But upon hearing these statistics, I had a startling realization--the blood of Eve Carson is on my hands. There are 64 homeless students at one school alone, 64 students who are much more vulnerable to gangs and criminal activity, and I am doing nothing about it. All that those children need is for Christians like me to intervene in their lives and provide them with other options, but because we are failing to act, our city remains the same.

Similarly, these men who are accused of Eve's murder came out of that broken system. They fell through the cracks, and now they are facing a life in prison. But I hesitate to point my finger at them. I also hesitate to point my finger at the Durham justice system. Why? Because the blame does not lie with them alone. We, as a community, have failed those young men. When they needed help, and when they needed direction, we were not there.

You see at the end of the day, sin is never individual--it is corporate. This theme is particularly salient in 1 Corinthians. Paul indicts the Corinthian church as a whole when one of their brothers is sleeping with his father's wife. Rather than place all the blame on the single adulterer, he holds the entire community responsible--Where were they when this man first began to feel tempted? And where were they when he needed accountability? Nowhere. And for that reason, the man's sin was not merely his own, but the entire church's.

We need to take this same approach to sin. Whenever something heinous occurs in our community, we need to pause and ask, "What was my role in this?" Rather than climb up on our high horses and separate ourselves out from the sinners, these incidents should remind us all the more of our own sin. What are we doing about the gangs in our cities? What are we doing about the children who go to school hungry? What are we doing for the children who don't have a home to live in? Scripture does not tell us to rely on the government to provide these things, or to sit around stewing about how sinful other people are. On the contrary, it is OUR call to act, and to act now. When we fail to act, then we lose the right to be angry when our community falters.

I don't know about you, but that reminder is supremely humbling for me. Looking back on the inmates with whom I worked this week, there was no "us" and "them," and there was no "guilty" or "innocent." We were all profound sinners. Some are forced to wear their guilt on their bodies, but apart from Christ our souls look just the same.

That, I believe, is a a healthy reminder in the face of such a loss. Not only did I fail to act when our community needed it, but without Christ I might have been the very one committing that crime. Praise be to God that I did not, but let me now show the same grace to others that God has shown to me.

So It Turns Out West Virginia Is Pretty Awesome

2008-03-14T19:45:00.013-05:00

Or at least their prisons are! :)

I just got back from my mission trip to West Virginia, and it was nothing short of INCREDIBLE. I learned more than I ever could have imagined! In addition to the many spiritual truths and insights that God revealed during the last several days, I also learned how to whip a large van around sharp mountain curves at dangerously high speeds, and I learned that I won't actually die if I can't use my cell phone for a week (we had to drive an hour from where we were staying just to get a signal).

But back to the spiritual stuff. Honestly, I don't even know where to begin. I'm going to spend the next several posts reflecting on the various stories and revelations I happened upon, but until then, let me give you the details on how I spent my time so that you have a little bit of background.

To begin, I ventured into the middle-of-nowhere West Virginia with 8 students from UNC-Greensboro. We worked with a church in the area, and we spent the majority of our days in a federal prison for women. However, this was no ordinary prison--this particular facility was for women who had been pregnant at the time of their sentencing, and had since given birth. All of the women in this prison had children between the ages of 3 weeks to 15 months, and were raising them in federal confinement.

As a mission team, our job was to go in there and simply care for the women and their children--we did crafts, I played my guitar, we went on walks, we held the babies, and listened to the moms. We had a blast, and I was heart-broken to leave them behind. I feel as though I made some true friends there, so it's difficult to leave when you know that they can't.

But in addition to working with the women's prison, we also spent some time at the medium security men's prison, which was considerably more intense. A number of the men there had been convicted of very serious crimes, including some fairly heinous murders. But the crazy thing is that you would have never guessed it! Granted, I only spent time with the prisoners who were Christian (on Tuesday and Thursday nights we led some of the inmates in a worship service) but they were a remarkable testimony to the transformational power of the Gospel! Let me leave you with one story...

On Tuesday night I had the privilege of leading worship, so I stood in front of about 40 prisoners with my guitar and one of my students, and we sang. It was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. While I stood up there I looked out at the group and saw tough men, covered in tattoos, grinning ear to ear, and bouncing their heads along to the music. Some of them had their eyes closed as they worshiped, and there was such joy on their faces!...in prison of all places! It reminded me of Paul's words in Philippians--"Rejoice in the Lord always, I say it again, rejoice!" Paul wrote those very words when he was in prison. Clearly Paul, and those inmates, knew something I did not.

Afterwards, many of the men came up to shake my hand and thank me for coming. They spoke of their testimonies, when and how they got saved, and what a blessing it was to worship with me and my students. And as I looked into each man's eyes, I did not see the face of a murderer--I saw the face of a prodigal son who was overcome with joy and humility at having been welcomed back by his father. I also saw the face of a brother.....and I mean that quite literally. I felt as if we were family. I guess we are.

One final thought. Jesus once told the disciples that a certain sinful woman "loved much because she'd been forgiven much." Well these inmates loved much, and you could see it in their faces. Though they lived in a dark, dark place, the light of their faith was blindingly bright. It was a magnificent thing to behold.

So as I think back to the time I spent in a prison in West Virginia, I am humbled by the knowledge that I have brothers and sisters there. We may come from very different backgrounds, and our culture may label them as irredeemable, but I have more in common with them than some members of my own family. We are one in Christ. And while society may tell them that they're without hope, God gave hope to the hopeless. I think those men and women understand the magnitude of that gift far more than I ever could.

For that, and many other reasons, it was a good week. More stories to follow...

See Ya Next Week!

2008-03-08T08:03:00.002-06:00

Hey guys, I wanted to let you all know that I am gonna be out of town until next Friday, so I won't be blogging during that time, but I would greatly appreciate your prayers. I'm taking a team of college students to West Virginia where we will be doing prison ministry. It's going to be an amazing time for my students to learn what it truly means to reach out to people that the rest of the culture largely shuns. That said, I think we are all going to learn more about the very heartbeat of Christ. Hopefully we will all be transformed, as well as being a blessing to the inmates with whom we're working.

In addition to that prayer request, I should also add that I will be driving an old, 15 passenger van through the snowy, winding mountains, so after you stop laughing at the visual of my tiny self behind the wheel of this humongous vehicle, please pray for our safety.

I look forward to telling you all about it when I get back!

Violence in the University

2008-03-07T07:20:00.006-06:00

Yesterday afternoon the Durham-Chapel Hill region was shocked by the horrible news that UNC's Student Body President, Eve Carson, had been brutally murdered. No details have been released concerning her death, but it appears to have been a random crime. All day I felt as if I'd been punched in the stomach--we are all reeling from the loss of such a prominent member of our community.

After I first heard the announcement, I went onto CNN.com to see if the story had made it into the national news, and I was surprised by what I found. I saw a headline reading something like, "College student fatally shot," but when I clicked on the link I discovered that it was not about Eve. Instead, the story was about a freshman girl at Auburn University, and the details were oddly similar to that of Eve's death--a young, beautiful college student was found lying on the side of the road, having been shot and left for dead. I couldn't believe that such comparable violence had occurred at two different college campuses at roughly the same time.

But the more I think about it, the less surprise I feel. Violence on college campuses is becoming the norm. No, these two crimes are not in the same vein as Virginia Tech or Northern Illinois, but the fact remains that violence in universities is escalating. More and more colleges are instituting emergency systems in the event that a gunman is on campus. As a college minister who works on a campus, my school has quite literally trained us to expect just such a catastrophe. It feels as if it is only a matter of time.

What is interesting to me about this phenomenon is that it echoes a trend we saw in high schools, a trend that took full effect about 10 years ago. The shootings at Columbine initiated a new era for teenagers. As a result of that and similar tragedies, students now have to attend school in fear, walking through metal detectors to enter the school doors, and running practice drills in the event that a shooter is on school grounds. For many high schoolers, violence has become a reality.

And now it would seem that the violence of high school has graduated to the university. Instead of targeting their teenage classmates, individuals are targeting their roommates and hallmates. Granted, not all violence on college campuses is caused by a psychopathic student, but universities are simply not as safe as they used to be.

The question is why?

In all honesty, I don't have an answer. On the one hand, I can somewhat discern the source of teenage violence--high school can be a true pressure cooker! You are trying to figure out who you are, but your peers can be brutally judgmental and cruel, tearing down any shred of self-confidence that you might have had. The race to be cool and accepted is cut-throat, and on top of all of that, you have the stress of making good grades so you can get into a good college. That is a lot for a teenager to handle, so it's not surprising that some people crack under the pressure, venting their frustration on the students who spurned them.

But college is supposed to be the best 4 years of your life! Yes, you have to work hard, but you also play hard. Even if you're not out drinking and partying, there are the midnight runs to Krispy Kreme, and staying up all night talking to your friends about the questions of life. It is a wonderful season in which you have lots of freedom without the responsibility of being in the real world. It is the one time in which you can be virtually carefree.

So why are college campuses becoming less and less safe? I am not entirely sure, though I suspect there are many reasons--on a large campus, more students can fall through the cracks; universities are becoming increasingly liberal and hesitate to provide their students with any sort of moral compass; the hedonism that pervades college life is corroding the moral fabric of these young adults; students develop a false sense of security and make bad decisions under the influence of drugs and alcohol--and the list goes on.

But regardless of the reason, this rising violence impresses upon me an even greater sense of urgency in the work that I do. I see more and more students feeling hopeless and fearful, and it is at these moments, when the darkness is greatest, that we Christians can shine the brightest. While this violence is certainly evil, God may be able to use it for good, but it is up to us whether we will take part in that redemption.

So while I may not have an answer as to the true source of all these troubles, I do know this: We can feel hopeless and fearful like the rest of the world, or we can see it as a challenge, an opportunity even, to share the Good News. In which of these two categories do you fall?

The Politics of Jesus

2008-03-04T16:04:00.015-06:00

In a couple weeks I will be turning 27, but you should know that I am a 70 year old living in the body of a twenty-something. For instance, I am a huge fan of the radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." It comes on every Saturday night at 6pm, and it's done in the style of old-timey radio programs. There are musical guests, comical skits, fake commercials, and I think it's hilarious. I also think the average listener is 62.

My favorite part of "A Prairie Home Companion" is the segment called "The News from Lake Wobegon." In this segment, the host tells stories from his fictional hometown, Lake Wobegon. The stories are always entertaining and clever, so I often find myself laughing out loud at his tales. But perhaps the best part about these stories is how well the teller captures the reality of human nature. I love his stories because they illustrate the true human experience, and I often see myself reflected in the characters he describes.

Well today I was listening to an old segment of "The News from Lake Wobegon," and I was struck by how applicable it was to the present political race. This particular show aired the month before the 2004 Presidential election, and what follows is an excerpt from it. Keep in mind, the tone is largely tongue in cheek...

It's been getting cool as Halloween comes along, and people are in a cautious mood, not because of Halloween but because of the election. People have to be careful about who they talk to and about what. Some people feel very strongly that the future of Western civilization is at stake on Tuesday, and you never know to whom you may be one of the infidels, so you have to walk lightly.

Val Tollefson went up to talk to Pastor Inkqvist about the sermon for Sunday. He was a little concerned because it was Reformation Sunday, and some of the conservatives in the congregation were a little leary that the pastor might use the occasion to talk about "reform" or "over-throwing the regime" or something of the sort. Val said, "Why don't you just talk about homeland security. That's what's on everyone's mind." Pastor said, "I thought I would talk about salvation by grace...if that's ok with you. I mean, we'll sing 'A Mighty Fortress is Our God,' and that should pretty much take care of our security, no?"

The reason I have high-lighted this excerpt today is that it serves as a healthy reminder to Christians, especially as the presidential race escalates. I don't know about you, but I have never been so enthralled by the election developments. It's almost like a soap opera: "Stay tuned for tomorrow when the Ohio and Texas primaries may determine the future candidates of the election!" or "Tune in next time when Hillary and Barack debate for the 20th time!"

Unfortunately, it's easy to get sucked into the excitement, and we soon forget our primary identities. It's not that voting is unimportant, or that we shouldn't be invested in the well-being of our country, but there is a time at which we need to kick ourselves in the pants and remember, "This world is not my home. My allegiance lies elsewhere. And with that in mind, I need to chill out!"

Along those lines, there is a fascinating book called "The Politics of Jesus," written by theologian John Howard Yoder. In it, he does not make the move that I anticipated him making; he does not delineate the ways in which Jesus would or would not have voted. Instead, he reminds Christians that Jesus came to create an entirely new polis, one that constitutes our primariy citizenship. First and foremost, we belong to the city of God, not the city of Man, and that should instill in us a peace that cannot be shaken by the uncertainty of the Presidential race.

Again, that is not to say that we should be apathetic to the future of our nation. There is a degree to which we are called to make the world a better place, and one of the ways we can work this betterment is through the government. BUT, our first mode of change should be through the polis of Christ, which is the Church.

Scripture does not instruct Christians to rely on the government to care for the poor or love the oppressed--Scripture instead commands the Body of Christ to do these things. That said, the degree to which we become aggressive or panicked when discussing the election will reveal the primary source of our trust--we are either counting on the government to enact change, or we are counting on the Holy Spirit to enact change through the Church. You see regardless of our President, the Church will still be the Church, which means God is still moving in the world, and hope endures. In fact, a bad President may even enable the Church to shine all the brighter.

So no matter how the election ends, God will still be God. What's more, God will use the next President to glorify Himself, regardless of who he or she might be. In the mean time, our task is to continue being the Church, and living as resident aliens in a foreign land. We must shine our light in the darkness, at times using the government to change systemic oppression when the occasion warrants, but our peace and security rest in Christ alone. A mighty fortress is our God, indeed.

Bad Boys, Bad Boys...

2008-03-01T14:29:00.002-06:00

Last night I experienced a true first--I was at a party that got broken up by the police. And of all the people hosting it, it was a party put on by seminary students! Now before you lose all hope in the future ministers of America, let me explain what happened, because it's not nearly as scandalous as it sounds.

Some of my friends hosted a birthday party at their house for another student, and a ton of my friends were there so it was kind of an elaborate affair. We all got super dressed up, and one of our friends is a DJ, so he provided us with music. Prior to the party, the hosts went outside to make sure the music wouldn't disturb the neighbors, so while it was quite the birthday bash, it was also very tame--some people danced, but most people just sat around and talked.

Well as the night progressed, the party seemed to be winding down, but I suddenly noticed three policemen walk in the back door. Simultaneously, three other policemen walked in the front. They yanked the plug on the music, pointed flashlights in our eyes, and started giving us the third degree. They warned us that if anyone was drinking underage, or if drugs were present, that we'd all be done for.

We tried to assure them that they'd find neither activity transpiring there, but they didn't believe us. They got in our faces, treated us like we were already guilty for whatever crimes they assumed we were committing, and didn't let up. It was actually kind of scary.

As it became increasingly clear that we had done nothing wrong (even the decibel level of the music was not enough for them to write us up), the cops got more desperate. One of them picked up a piece of grass off the floor that someone tracked in with their shoes, and asked us what it was. "Grass, officer?"

Another cop confiscated my friend's driver's license, and when he discovered that my friend is required to drive with glasses due to poor vision, be began grilling him about where his glasses were. My friend was wearing contacts.

After awhile, the interrogating became somewhat ridiculous, and we were all getting very annoyed. We hadn't done anything wrong, but were being treated like criminals.

Eventually the cops ran out of ideas so they left. As soon as they walked out the door, we all burst out laughing--of all the parties to be broken up by the cops, a party of seminary students? We didn't know whether to laugh it off or feel ashamed.

But the more I reflect on this whole experience, the more I am struck by how perplexed these policemen were. They came into the party expecting to find very specific crimes--they even told our hosts that they were sure to find drugs since "partying and drugs generally go together." They had no category for us Christians. Clearly the idea of a bunch of twenty-somethings getting together to have fun on a weekend, without the use of drugs or excessive drinking, was beyond their capacity to except. That's why they KEPT asking us questions and grew increasingly frustrated--we didn't make sense to them.

No one ever told the cops that we were Christians, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing given how much they seemed to think we were utterly depraved individuals. But I kind of wish we had told them we were believers, because I don't think they left that house thinking we were bad people. I think that, even if their pride wouldn't have let them admit it, the policemen knew that they'd jumped the gun on us. They knew they had overreacted. The bullying was merely a mechanism for covering up their embarrassment at treating innocent people so horribly.

But the reason I wish we had told them we were Christians is that this experience reminds me of a specific verse in Scripture. 1 Peter 2:12 reads, "Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us."

This verse reminds us of two things. One, people need to know that we're Christians. If we looks different, but people don't know why, then we don't accomplish very much. We therefore need to be open about our faith, and that's why I wish we had told the cops we were Christians.

But the second thing this verse reminds us is that we should stand out in exceptional ways. We should have gone the extra mile with those policemen, rather than merely defending our innocence. We should have apologized to them if we had done anything wrong, been perfectly compliant, and exceedingly kind. Instead, we largely got defensive. By the time the cops left, we were all pretty ticked off, and it showed.

But as this verse implies, it's not enough to be innocent of what people may accuse us. Defending ourselves and demanding that we be treated fairly is not an effective means of conveying the Gospel, because even non-Christians do that when they are falsely accused. What non-Christians DON'T do is fall on their swords and love their accuser anyway. We must therefore go beyond innocence, adding to it the practices of unconditional love and good deeds. In this way, Christians will not merely be known as the people who follow the rules, but as the people who love in such a way that is not only disarming, but wonderful.

I'll keep that in mind the next time I'm at a party that gets busted by the cops. :)

Fembots: A New Breed of Women?

2008-02-26T09:39:00.009-06:00

A friend of mine recently forwarded me an article that appeared in Marie Claire magazine entitled, "Fembots: The New Breed of Woman." The caption of the article read as follows: "Tired of touchy-feely friendships and being the vulnerable one in romance, a new breed of steely female is beating guys at their own game."

In this article, the author described a new kind of woman who has emerged upon the dating scene--one who is able to shut off her emotions and simply "play the game," have casual sex with men without wanting him to call her later. The author labeled this new breed of women as "fembots."

Now contrary to the negative connotation of the label, the author praised these fembot females, herself aspiring to espouse that same independence. In her mind, this is the evolution of the woman--Darwinistically speaking, it is our future. It's all about survival of the fittest--the weak will get thrown under the wheels of the dating bus, but the strong fembots are built to survive.

In forwarding this article to me, my friend wanted to know my opinion of it. He was wondering if I found this to be true of the women I work with. Well the answer to that question is both a yes and no. While I know far more non-Christians who have seemingly shut down their hearts when it comes to men, there are Christian women who do the same--in fact, I've done it myself! You get to a point at which you are tired of being hurt and used, so you spend time with guys that you know you don't have a future with. You keep them around to build up your self-esteem, but you don't get attached because you would never actually date them.

To the outside world, this kind of behavior would look like that of a fembot. Just as the name implies, it would seem that you have removed your heart and you are little more than a hollow shell of a person who cares little for feelings and only seeks physical pleasure. But this is an illusion.

In reality, fembots do not exist. As much as we women try to remove our hearts from the equation, it is impossible. Even Lady Macbeth, who was perhaps the quintessential fembot in literature, eventually took her own life because she couldn't handle her own moral corruption. Her heart was not immune to her actions. So as hard as we try, we cannot change the way God made us. He hard-wired us to be emotional creatures.

That said, the true stripes of a supposed fembot will be revealed whenever she settles down. Eventually she will meet a man who is able to push through the defense mechanism and get inside her heart, and at that point you will see what the fembot is really made of: insecurity. After years and years of using men and letting men use her, she has planted seeds and seeds of distrust and guardedness, so as soon as she makes herself vulnerable to a man in a real dating relationship, she is going to be absolutely terrified, and have an immense amount of baggage to work through.

In this way, the fembot exterior is only masking a wounded heart. It may seem as if these women are cold and heartless, but it is really quite the opposite--their heart is very much intact, but it's in desperate need of healing and protection.

So if this lifestyle appeals to you, if you wish you could turn off your emotions and just have fun, remember that at the end of the day, the fembot way of life is an illusion. Albeit a convincing one, but an illusion nonetheless. No woman can kill off her heart altogether, as hard as she may try. She can only bury it. And for that reason I disagree with the author. Fembots are not the future of femininity--they are merely one more way of running away from our problems, leaving them alone to fester. And that kind of escapism is not really new at all.

In case you have your own thoughts on this topic, you can read the article here. (And I apologize for the crudeness) I'd love to hear your input as well!

What a Teenage Girl Taught Me About Predestination

2008-02-23T09:52:00.013-06:00

We had been sitting in the car for awhile, parked outside my young friend's apartment while she poured her heart out and I scrambled for something to say. The words weren't coming. I was drawing a blank. This sweet girl felt helpless, and I felt helpless too.

That young friend of mine was a teenage girl named Sara. She is about to turn 17, but I've known her since she was 8. We've been meeting together every week for the last 7 years, and during that time I've watched her grow from an angry, wounded little girl, into an independent young woman who has battled many obstacles to become a successful high school student. Now she even has aspirations of going to college and starting her own business one day. She is a true success story.

In the last 9 years of knowing Sara, I have seen her go through more trials then I can possibly describe. But amidst all the terrible hands that life has dealt her, the one thing I have NEVER seen her do is cry. Not once. She is a very tough girl, after all. And I think that's why I was so caught of guard this week when she finally broke down in my car. This was a big deal.

What was the cause of her tears? Well it's actually a combination of things. Not only does she have a variety of learning disabilities, but her home life has recently become more unsettled, which has made it even more difficult to concentrate in school. It's hard to focus on math when things aren't well with your family, and she was afraid that all her hard work over the years might begin to slip away. What if she can't graduate on time? Or what if her grades suffer so much that she can't get into college? All these questions were looming large in her mind, so I suggested she talk with her teachers about it. Unfortunately she found little sympathy with them. They didn't want to hear her excuses, and essentially told her to buck up.

I was startled by this response, because Sara has worked her tail off over the past couple years to become a good student. Did the teachers not see that she was a good kid? Did they not sympathize with the learning disabilities and life circumstances that were holding her back? Did they not recognize her cry for help?

As I sat there and listened to her that afternoon, I was reminded of a study I once read about students with behavioral disorders. It explained that if you punish such children for acting out, their misbehavior will actually worsen, because you have increased their feelings of helplessness and defeat, rather than teaching them how to behave correctly. In punishing them, they learn nothing.

You see, kids with behavioral disorders need more than mere discipline, because the problem is not rebelliousness. Instead, the problem is that they don't possess the skills and mental capacity to respond appropriately to their surroundings. That said, punishing teaches them nothing. What they need is for someone to enter into the situation with them, and teach them those skills, empowering them with the knowledge to change their behavior. They need an outside force to intervene on their behalf.

And that is exactly what Sara needed. She was stuck in a situation that she didn't know how to get out of, and when she was denied the help she needed, she felt a sense of utter helplessness. It's not enough to tell these kids to suck it up and work harder. They need outside forces to intervene and show them, to walk beside them, and direct their steps. They need someone to advocate for them, to talk with their parents, to teach them coping mechanisms. Otherwise, these kids really have no hope, and they know it. Hence Sara's despair.

Now you're probably wondering what on earth all of this has to do with predestination. Well the reason this story gave me insight into such a difficult doctrine is that Sara's helplessness, and her need for an outside force to intervene on her behalf, reminded me of the process of salvation.

Like the children I described, all humans are helpless to save themselves. We lack the knowledge and the ability because we are so inherently sinful. And if we try to save ourselves, it will be an exercise in frustration, because we will fall short time and time again. Like Sara, we will eventually find ourselves demoralized by our inability to do what is right. No matter how hard we try, we lack the capacity.

It is for that reason that we need on outside force intervening on our behalf. We need someone to come into our lives and save us from ourselves, give us the wisdom, the knowledge, and the ability to know God and follow Him. We need something to open our eyes to the truth of the Gospel, because we would never recognize its message if left to ourselves. We are too hopelessly self-focused.

And what is that outside force? That power that opens our eyes and teaches us truth? It's the Holy Spirit.

It is for this reason that I believe in predestination. Not because I think God sits in the clouds and decide who's in and who's out, but because it is our only hope. Without God's primary intervention, we are as incapable of understanding or accepting the Gospel as a blind person trying to see. The ability to understand, to believe and have faith--that is an ability that does not belong to us. It must be given to us.

And if it is given to us, then we cannot choose it--it chooses us. That, in my opinion, is the healthiest way to understand predestination. Rather than view it as a harsh doctrine that makes God into a monster, we should realize that it is our only source of hope. Without God's help we would be utterly helpless to know Him.

So I praise God that He chose to intervene on my behalf. Otherwise, I would probably feel as helpless as my young friend. Thank you, Lord, that I don't have to.

Why Dating is So Hard

2008-02-20T09:57:00.012-06:00

I have definitely had my fair share of dating horror stories. At this point in my life I can look back on most of them and laugh, but I have ended more than a few relationships with some major scrapes and bruises that left me feeling very broken at the time.

At the end of many of those train wrecks, I was often left wondering what had happened. After all, the guy had seemed normal when we were dating. Then all of a sudden he turned into a thoughtless jerk who didn't seem to care a shred about my feelings. How could he call himself a Christian and behave that way? Are all men just dogs, regardless of whether or not they are believers?

I'm fairly certain that most girls have asked those questions at least once before. I am also fairly certain that many guys have as well. Not only have I heard countless women bemoan the lack of solid Christian guys to date, but many men have echoed those sentiments about women.

"It's so hard to find a nice, Christian ________." "I just don't understand _______. They are crazy!" You can fill in those blanks with either "men" or "women," depending on who you are. But no matter which camp you find yourself in, odds are you find the other gender to be completely mystifying.

I would, however, warn against such generalizations. Yes, I have dated some major jerks. But I am no lily white soul, and I know other girls who have done some pretty under-handed things to guys. And gentlemen, you may think that all girls are completely nuts, but you'd be lying if you said that you didn't know some slimeball guys. You may have even done some pretty hurtful things yourself.

That said, the reason that dating is so hard has nothing to do with "all women being crazy" or "all guys being jerks." The reason is two-fold, the first of which being that we are sinners. Unlike God, who loves perfectly, we love conditionally and limitedly. We are selfish and we use people, so when we make ourselves vulnerable to such imperfect love, we risk getting hurt. And this is a tendency that crosses gender lines--most likely we have all done some things we regret, but that reflects less on our sex, and more on our humanity. We are, simply stated, a fallen people.

The second reason dating is so hard is that we tend to throw God's sovereignty out the window whenever we enter a relationship. Rather than let God determine our peace and happiness, we rely on the other person to do that. As a result, we become controlling, jealous, and we begin to let that person determine our self-worth. We HAVE to make the relationship work, because our contentment depends on it. And if it fails, then we blame the person, rather than resting in the knowledge that God might have been protecting us, and that He probably has someone better.

Now don't get me wrong--sometimes people will hurt you in ways that are horrible and inexcusable, and we are not called to ignore the pain or belittle the injury simply because God is in control. But the question is what do you DO with that pain? Do you become bitter and jaded about dating, do you begin to generalize an entire gender as being beyond understanding, or do you eventually come to rest in the knowledge that it simply wasn't meant to be?

The best indicator of where you are in trusting God's sovereignty is often revealed by how you talk about your exes. If you spew venomous slander whenever their names come up, or accuse them of not being a good Christian or following God's will, then those are not the words of a person who is waiting on God's best. Those are the bitter ventings of someone who made their boyfriend an idol, and was devastated when he couldn't live up to that standard.

Such bitterness also reveals a profound misunderstanding of our own sinfulness. We are all sinners saved by grace, and I for one appreciate having been pardoned for the times that I have hurt people. Far be it from me to withhold such forgiveness from others.

So yes, dating is hard. As a matter of fact, I hate it a lot of the time. But God is still God, which means He is still in control. He has a perfect plan for me, and if the next guy I date is a part of that, then praise be to God. But if he isn't, then God simply has something better. Either way, I can praise Him.

The Devil is Right!

2008-02-17T15:37:00.004-06:00

I realize that, for some of you, this is old news by now, but I went to a Shane and Shane concert over the weekend and was BLOWN AWAY by one of their newest songs. The name of it is "Embracing Accusation," and it puts an insightful spin on our usual understanding of Satan. Here are the lyrics...

The father of lies, coming to steal, kill and destroy all my hopes of being good enough.
I hear him saying, "Cursed are the ones who can’t abide"...

He’s right.

Alleluia he’s right!

The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed, that I am cursed and gone astray.
I cannot gain salvation embracing accusation.

Could the father of lies be telling the truth of God to me tonight?
If the penalty of sin is death, then death is mine.
I hear him saying, "Cursed are the ones who can’t abide"...

He’s right.

Alleluia he’s right!

Oh the devil’s singing over me an age old song, that I am cursed and gone astray,
Singing the first verse so conveniently, he’s forgotten the refrain:

Jesus saves!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How amazing and true! When Satan speaks to us about our guilt, condemnation, and sentence, he's right! We are guilty, we are worthy of condemnation, and we do deserve death.

And given those truths, we can praise God ALL THE MORE because He saves us anyways. Rather than wallow in our sin, this knowledge adds increasing depth to our rejoicing. We see with even greater clarity the infinite expanse of God's goodness and mercy.

So yes, the Devil is correct. We deserve all of which he accuses us. But he is only preaching the first half of the Gospel. The story begins with sin, but it ends in redemption.

So unlike the Devil, we must not stop at that first truth, and we must not be overcome by accusation. However, I would offer that there is a degree to which we should embrace the accusation. It is only when we comprehend the depth of our depravity that we can even begin to understand the meaning of that glorious refrain: Jesus Saves!

What a beautiful reminder. Definitely check out that song if you haven't already.

In Fear of Silence

2008-02-14T13:50:00.017-06:00

To be completely honest with you, my time in the Word has been struggling lately. I have not had consistent, in-depth, intimate time with God in quite some time. But it is not for lack of motivation.

In general, the practice of maintaining a regular quiet time is treated as a matter of sheer discipline. If you don't have one, it's because you are lazy. End of story. I would like to propose that this Christian discipline is a bit more complicated than that.

But first, let me give you a little background on my own struggle to have a quiet time. Contrary to expectation, it has little to do with an inability to wake up early in the morning. Rather, it stems from a much bigger picture.

This past year has been a hard one for me on a number of different levels. I have had uncertainty about my future, I have had people betray me whom I trusted. I have lost loved ones unexpectedly. I have been tired, worn out, and overwhelmed by life. Sometimes it has been a challenge to get out of bed in the morning.

Given these struggles, one would think that my time in the Word would be that much sweeter. After all, it is in these valleys that I need God's refuge and comfort the most. Desperately, even. And yet, I have had to drag myself to open my Bible. It's not that I can't remember to make time for it--it's that I don't want to. The idea of taking that time to read and pray is almost frightening to me.

But why? Why is my soul having the exact opposite reaction that it should be having? The answer is that I have become terrified of silence. The moment I sit still and eliminate all my distractions is the moment I have to confront everything that is burdening me, hurting me, draining me. And frankly, I don't want to do that.

So what do I do instead? I fill every waking moment with noise. From the moment I wake up I flip on the television. When I'm in the car I listen to talk radio. Even when I'm in my office I have music playing. I use all of those avenues to escape reality. As long as I can keep myself distracted, then I don't have to think about the pains of life.

Providentially, I heard a podcast with pastor Rob Bell today, and he addressed this issue in a way that has helped me think through this problem. He began by explaining that when he and his wife first started observing the Sabbath, they found themselves in a full-on depression by the afternoon. The reason, he concluded, was that his body had become addicted to the adrenaline hits of a busy day. He was so trained to go, go, go that his body was almost chemically dependent on it. Without that schedule, his body and mind didn't know what to do with themselves, so on Sabbath days they simply shut down. It took years before he could wean himself off of that lifestyle.

I can relate. My body has become addicted to the rush of a busy day, not only in a chemical way, but in an emotional way. The distractions of my schedule serve as an emotional crutch, because they allow me to escape my hardships, pretend that they don't exist. Rather than face my suffering, I hide from it amidst my daily plans.

From this perspective, the discipline of having a quiet time is about more than overcoming laziness. For some of us, it means we must wage an all-out battle--we must wage against our own physiological addiction to busy-ness, and we must wage against our fear of confronting silence and stillness. We will have to overcome both physical and emotional barriers before we can truly engage in the intimacy and vulnerability that a meaningful time with God demands.

Having said that, do not assume that struggling with this discipline means you are simply a bad Christian or that you are just plain lazy (although I'm not gonna lie--some of you are!). What's more, having a quiet time does not mean you are engaging in real intimacy with God--it is easy to read Scripture quickly and superficially without engaging the heart. When you do this, you are turning your quiet time into just another distraction.

With all those factors in mind, we are wrong to oversimplify this Christian discipline. The truth of the matter is that time alone with God is an overwhelming prospect. For some of us, we are afraid of being that vulnerable, and for others it is a matter of retraining our bodies' in a fundamentally physical way. But either prospect is daunting, so it is no wonder that many of us struggle with this seemingly simple Christian practice.

For that reason, I challenge you to confront the silence. When you're driving in your car, turn off the radio. When you are getting ready for bed at night, flip off the tv. Set aside a Sabbath day each week. And most importantly, make time for real, searching, intimate time with God. Embrace the silence, even if that means embracing the fears and harships that you have run from all day long. Even if it is hard to focus and you feel frustrated or inefficient, confront the silence. Why? Because God promises to meet us in that place, as he reminds us in Psalm 46:10: "Be still and know that I am God." We must simply be still.

As long as we are running, then we are running away from God. As this verse teaches, experiencing God's love does not entail any kind of running at all. We don't have to do, do, do, go, go, go, or run, run, run. He is already with us, and He already loves us. We must simply be still.

Credit Card Therapy

2008-02-12T07:14:00.000-06:00

Several days ago I was feeling a little depressed. The prospect of a lonely Valentine's Day was looming, I was overwhelmed with work, I was tired, and I was stressed. It was not a good day.

So what did I do to make myself feel better? How did I nurse my wounds after a difficult week? I went to my favorite place of refuge, my one asylum from the burdens and distractions of the world. That's right, I went to Target.

You see, I have somewhat of an unhealthy love affair with the Target store--I could probably spend hours and hours perusing the aisles of clothes, home decor, and seasonal decorations. And given the nature of my relationship with Target, I knew it would be there to comfort me in my time of need.

So I drove across the street, walked directly into the women's clothing section, and started trying on outfits until I found a cute little green shirt and some matching earrings that I just had to have.

Then I felt better, and I went home.

I must admit that I feel a little sheepish confessing that I love Target THAT much, but it turns out I'm not the only person like this. Shortly after my therapeutic trip to Target, I read an article about a new study that researched this exact behavior. The findings were as follows: "People's spending judgment goes out the window when they're down, especially if they're a bit self-absorbed."

Self-absorbed?? Ouch! But in all honesty, the study is actually quite fascinating. Here are a few more excerpts from the article:

The researchers concluded sadness can trigger a chain of emotions leading to extravagant tendencies. Sadness leads people to become more focused on themselves, causing the person to feel that they and their possessions are worth little. That feeling increases willingness to pay more -- presumably to feel better about themselves.

"It's not necessarily that you go to the mall and go on a shopping spree," said Charlesworth, author of a book on stress management. "It's often more subtle -- you spend a bit more on something than you normally would. But if you magnify that over the course of a year, or a lifetime, those little things add up."

"But on the back end, I've seen buyer's remorse. This kicks in after they realize that new pair of shoes, or iPod, or whatever, didn't make them feel better, and then there's that sense of, 'Oh my God, why did I spend money on this?"'

(For the whole article, click here)

What was most interesting about this study is that the behavior was not altogether conscious--it's not that people went into stores deliberately seeking to make themselves feel better. It was rather a subconscious mechanism. It was written into their lifestyle such that they didn't even realize they were doing it.

In this sense, materialism has become like an accepted drug for Americans consumers. We depend on it to give us just the high that we need, just the boost we desire to get us through a difficult week. And you can even notice the drug-like behavior--it gets us high, but leaves us low when we realize it didn't work. Yet we continue to do it anyway...and we never even realize it.

Given that this study represents a worldly way of dealing with sadness and stress, and given that it described me to a T, I read this study as a pretty scathing indictment of my own relationship with God. Shopping therapy is the way that the WORLD deals with sadness, but it should not describe the way that Christians deal with sadness. Of all the places that I should be running when I feel down, Target is the last. Never was there a cheaper idol.

Yet this is something that women struggle with. Even if we don't drop $500 on designer shoes, we will still be tempted to over-shoot our budgets on tiny splurges. And while that doesn't mean it's wrong to buy something nice for yourself from time to time, this study should make us pause and ask, "Why am I buying this, and what does it say about my relationship with God?"

You see, the reason that shopping therapy ultimately fails is that it feeds the problem, rather than quenching it. The problem is self-absorption, and shopping only encourages us to focus on ourselves. But Christianity takes a different approach. Rather than focus on yourself all the time (which CAN get discouraging--you are, after all, a fallen sinner), focus on the God who loves you, died for you, and redeemed your sin. Focus on serving Him, living for Him, loving Him. Run to Him when you are down, and seek Him as your refuge.

Until you discipline yourself to do this, you will forever be returning to your proverbial "Target," looking for that quick fix. But as long as you deal with your pain the way the rest of the world does, then you will never look any different from the world, and you will never feel better. That is a habit I think I'd like to change.

Sorry, Target, but the love affair has got to end. I'm breaking up with you for a better lover.

The Perfect Christian Woman

2008-02-09T10:22:00.000-06:00

Several years ago I attended a convention for religious broadcasters in the United States. I was representing the ministry I worked for at the time, which had a radio segment that aired all over the country. We were at the convention to network, meet other broadcasters, and get the ministry's name out there.

To my surprise, the convention itself was actually very exciting. I got to meet well-known Christian authors, I saw a pre-screening of The Passion movie, and I had fascinating conversations with ministries from all over the U.S. Overall, it was a great experience.

However, there is one thing about the convention that stands out in my mind, one thing that I will never forget. It serves as a kind of accountability for me in my own ministry today...

Because the convention was for religious broadcasters, there were a number of Christian t.v. shows present, along with their hosts. And let me tell you, the women who hosted those shows were BEAUTIFUL! They walked around that convention hall with perfect hair, perfect make-up and perfect clothes. They were incredibly put together and flawless, these successful Christian women, and that is when the first seed of self-doubt planted itself in my heart.

I looked at those women, who were smart and driven and had already accomplished a lot in ministry, and then I looked at myself--my hair was flat, my clothes were boring, and Lysa, the president of the ministry, had to help me put on my make-up because I was so pathetic at it. I was far from perfect.

So as I observed those flawless women and then compared myself to them, I thought to myself, "If this is what it means to be a successful women's minister, then I clearly don't measure up."

I still find myself thinking that today. I look at women like Beth Moore, who is not only a powerful writer and speaker, but is also drop-dead gorgeous, and I feel as though I fall miserably short. I believe the lie that the perfect Christian woman has got to be the whole package, which poses a problem for me since I bite my finger nails, I can never figure out how to get my hair to look right, and I'm barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel. The whole package? That, I am not.

On a head level, I think we all know how faulty that logic is. Scripture is full of verses about how God looks at the inside and not the outside. That message is clear. But the reason my experience at the convention was so definitive for me as a women's minister is that it made me pause and wonder--Do I ever make other women feel insecure about themselves? Do I convey the message that looking put together and perfect is an important part of being a Christian woman? Do I spend so much time primping and looking cute that I compromise my witness? While I may tell young women that outward beauty doesn't matter, do my actions undermine my words?

Well I recently discovered that Paul talks about this very thing in 1 Corinthians 2 when he explains to the Corinthian church the he did not come to them with "eloquence" or "persuasive words." This point is significant because Paul was extremely educated and well-versed in the art of rhetoric. He was very capable of speaking articulately and persuasively. But he instead chose to keep it simple.

Why? Because he didn't want the presentation to distract people from the message. He didn't want his listeners to be so impressed by his rhetorical gifts that they missed out on what he was actually saying.

And Christian women do well to keep this teaching in mind. We must not let the presentation distract people from the message. This principle can play out in any number of ways, but one of the most salient examples is the way we present ourselves outwardly. If we are trying to encourage one another to focus on inward beauty, but we spend excessive amounts of time on our outward beauty, then we will undermine our message. Rather than spurring women toward the Gospel, we'll be encouraging their insecurities, self-doubt, and vanity.

Now that is not to say that we should wear burlap sacks and stop washing our hair--it's definitely ok to look nice! God created us to be beautiful and we should celebrate that fact. But I am writing this as a kind of heart check. We need to examine our motives in how much time we spend on our outward beauty. Are you spending time on your outward appearance for the glory of God, or in order to feel better about yourself? And more importantly, do you spend as much time working on your inward beauty as do you your outward beauty?

I, for one, hope that in my time as a women's minister, I have never misled women into thinking that being the "perfect Christian woman" means looking flawless and put together. If I have, I apologize greatly and ask for forgiveness. But the truth of the matter is that there is no "perfect Christian woman." By that I mean that there isn't ONE standard to which we should all strive. God created us to be unique and diverse because each one of us reflects His infinite majesty in our own special way. If we aspire to fit in a cookie cutter mold, then we'll erase the unique beauty in each one of us, and thereby steal a little bit of glory away from God. The only standard that we should all be seeking is holiness, so if there is any message that I want my life to convey, it is the importance of pursuing Him. Anything else is just a distraction.

What the Heck is Ash Wednesday?

2008-02-06T14:54:00.000-06:00

I don't know how this happened, but I managed to get through 27 years of life and 3 years of seminary without ever having attended an Ash Wednesday service. In fact, I didn't even know what it was until I got to college. I was pretty confused when I saw people walking around campus with black smears on their foreheads. I remember wondering if it was some new cult that I hadn't heard about.

Well today I experienced my first Ash Wednesday service EVER. It was thoroughly un-Baptist--lots of reciting liturgy and reading excessively long and bleak passages of Scripture. I tried to spice it up a bit by suggesting we add music to the program, but even with my guitar playing and my attempts at being upbeat, it was fairly dark.

It was also very powerful.

Let me tell you why....

If you're like me, you may not understand what this crazy Ash Wednesday stuff is all about, so I'll fill you in. What most people do know is that it marks the beginning of Lent, the 40 days leading up to Easter. Traditionally, Christians have used the season of Lent as a time to fast in preparation for Easter. It is a time to reflect on the gravity of our sin, and how that sin resulted in the execution of our Savior. Fasting is a way of focusing our hearts and minds on what is to come--every time we are tempted to partake of the chocolate, soda, sugar, etc. that we've decided to give up, we are reminded of Christ and what he sacrificed for us.

But what's with the ashes? In the course of an Ash Wednesday service, the minister places ash on your forehead in the shape of a cross and then pronounces, "Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return." What's that about?

Well in my opinion, this is the coolest part about Ash Wednesday. Those ashes are not just random ashes from the minister's fireplace--they come from a very special source. Traditionally, they are the ashes of the palm leaves used at Palm Sunday the previous year.

Do you see the meaning here?? The very palms that we used to celebrate and exalt our Savior are the same palms we use to acknowledge our tremendous unfaithfulness to him. One minute we are praising God, the next minute we are sinning against Him. That is the searing truth behind those ashes. They remind us of what it is to be human, what it is to be a sinner.

And that is why those words are spoken over us on Ash Wednesday. The ashes of our duplicity are emblazoned on our foreheads, exclaiming to us and the world: "Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return. Remember that you are human, you are fallible, you are a sinner. Think on this, meditate, grieve and repent for you stand unfaithful before a holy God."

The hymn we sang today was entitled "What Wondrous Love Is This," and the Episcopal campus minister noticed that one of the stanzas to the song does not appear in the Episcopal hymnal. He also had a sinking suspicion why. The words of the deleted stanza read as follows: "When I was sinking down, beneath God's righteous frown, Christ laid aside His crown for my soul." The minister jokingly reasoned that Episcopalians don't like to think about God frowning, which is probably why that stanza didn't make it into the hymnal. People don't like to think about that kind of God, a God who detests our sin.

But that is what Ash Wednesday is all about. We are forced to confront our sin, without excuse. We have to be honest with ourselves, and honest with God. That is indeed a difficult task. But in doing so, we are blessed to discover the magnitude of God's love. The more seriously we take this season, and the more thoroughly we consider the depths of our sin, the more profoundly we will understand the grace that has been bestowed upon us, and the more jubilantly we will rejoice upon the day of his resurrection. While Ash Wednesday is somber, it is not masochistic--it is actually a means for more fully comprehending our blessedness. If we are willing to embark on this difficult journey for the next 40 days, we will discover it is actually a gateway to fuller joy.

I hope this little Ash Wednesday lesson encourages you to embark on just such a journey.

A Christmas Tree Christian

2008-02-03T13:12:00.000-06:00

Even though the Christmas season ended over a month ago, our Christmas tree is still sitting in our front yard. "Why?," you ask. Well I blame the garbage pick-up people. Apparently there was some sort of miscommunication between us.

A couple weeks after Christmas had passed, we dragged our Christmas tree to the top of our driveway so that the garbage truck could take it away the next morning. Well when my roommates and I came home the following afternoon, we arrived to a startling surprise. Not only had our tree NOT been picked up, but it had been shoved all the way down the hill of our front yard. It was so far away from the curb that it looked like a deliberate and clear rejection. It was like they were sending us the message, "We want absolutely nothing to do with your tree, and we never want to come near it again." Needless to say, I'm still a little hurt.

Ever since then, our tree has been sitting in our front yard untouched. No one from the road can see it because it's so far down the hill, which is probably why we haven't moved it--we don't have to worry about the neighbors thinking we're hillbillies who leave our trash in our yard. But we also haven't moved it because we don't really know what else to do with it. The garbage people rejected it, so where else does one turn?

(And p.s., if you know the answer to why our tree was rejected--if there's some kind of North Carolina Christmas tree disposal law about which I am unaware--please inform me)

Now this tale of Christmas tree woe is not the point of my writing today. But seeing that sad, little Christmas tree in our front yard, which browns and withers with every passing day, reminds me of an important spiritual truth.

At the end of the day, a Christmas tree is little more than a tree that is dying. This reality is obvious now that my tree is dried out and brown, but we don't think about it at Christmastime when the tree is dressed up with ornaments and lights. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, I would just sit in front of our tree and stare at it because it was so beautiful, but no matter how much we dressed up that tree, we couldn't change the reality that this tree had been cut off from its roots, and was now dying a slow and sure death.

Oftentimes, my life feels just like that beautiful Christmas tree. I have covered myself with all kinds of Christian decorations--I have a seminary degree, I'm a writer, a college minister, a Bible study leader, and a mentor to many young women. But at the end of the day, those achievements are all just decorations. They don't really mean anything, because they do not sustain the Christian life. If you cut yourself off from the Source, then you can be doing all the activities in the world, but still be withering spiritually. And sometimes I feel like I am.

That said, I want you to ask yourself--are you a Christmas Tree Christian? Do you feel as though you are piling on decoration after decoration, yet neglecting the source of your spiritual life? Are your roots firmly planted in an ever-growing relationship with God, or have you cut your roots off by neglecting time in Scripture and prayer?

Like a dying Christmas tree, spiritual death is not readily apparent. It could take months, even years, before the lack of nourishment becomes observable. And that makes it easy for us to ignore this part of our spiritual lives. But if left unfed long enough, the death will inevitably come. Our branches will become too dried out to hold up those ornaments, so they will break and drop them. And eventually, we will look just like that poor little tree that sits in my front yard.

If you are feeling that strain on your branches, or if you feel as though your roots have been cut off from their source, take some time for yourself and God. At the end of the day, your Christian activities are nothing more than cheap ornaments, treasures on earth to be burned away. God cares little for the things that make us look glorious, but He cares greatly for a heart which glorifies Him.

Becoming a Woman of Vision

2008-01-30T18:50:00.000-06:00

In case you haven't noticed, the tag line for this blog is "theology for young women." I think it's time I clarify just what that means.

For a lot of people, the term "theology" means dense, academic language that has little to no connection with practical life. It is instead reserved for professors and philosophers who like to mull over unanswerable questions about the nature of God and the Trinity.

Well you don't have to read my blog very long before you realize that you won't find that brand of theology here. Yes, there is the occasional reference to Church Fathers and Gnosticism, but for the most part I cover fairly down to earth topics. After all, most of what I write comes out of my own life.

That said, what do I mean by "theology?" Well it begins with the word itself--theology means "the study of God." That said, theology is a proactive endeavor. Studying involves discipline and hard work. We have to invest time and energy and thought. We don't wait for God to come to us--we pursue Him. So in studying God, we actively seek to know Him better, learn about His character, and understand His ways.

This discipline contrasts with the popular way of relating to God. Many Christians sideline God until they need Him. He serves as a kind of life-preserver that they keep on hand until they begin to sink. He is there to serve their purposes, not the other way around.

With that in mind, by encouraging women to think theologically, I am urging them to resist the temptation to marginalize God. We should instead be pursuing God whole-heartedly, seeking Him daily, and striving to conform our lives to His will, no matter the cost.

In so doing, we will stop being women who use their faiths to merely stay afloat. Being a woman of theology means prying your eyes off of yourself, looking to God, and looking to the world that He loves.

In this way, thinking theologically is the first step toward becoming a woman of vision, a woman who dreams God-sized dreams and is not satisfied with the status quo. If we are only looking at ourselves, then we will only live for ourselves. But if we engage God, actively seek to know Him and study His ways, then we will live in such a manner that reflects the divine heart we encounter.

As long as we use God for our own meager goals, then our lives will be defined by mediocrity. I, for one, am not satisfied with that. I want to be a part of a generation of women who think critically, live radically, dream wildly, fight mightily, and preach boldly. I want to see our city, our country, and our world transformed because women stopped using God to merely boost up their self-esteem, and started letting God use them. That is my dream for women's ministry, and it begins with theology. It begins with straining after Him.

Finding My Westley

2008-01-27T16:50:00.000-06:00

One of my all time favorite movies is The Princess Bride. Aside from the fact that it's a great story with great characters and great dialogue, it's also a fantastic love story.

In case you are not familiar, the movie is about a beautiful woman named Buttercup who lives on a farm and falls in love with her servant boy, Westley. They are wonderfully happy together, and Westley leaves to seek his fortune so that they can marry. Sadly, Westley's ship is taken by pirates and he is killed, so Buttercup eventually agrees to marry the evil Prince Humperdinck.

Through a crazy course of events, we find out that Westley is not, in fact, dead, and he subsequently overcomes every obstacle imaginable to be reunited with his true love. He battles pirates, princes, giant-sized rats that try to bite off his arm, and he even comes back from the dead. But none of it will stand in the way of Westley and his love. Nothing.

(Excuse me while I pull myself off the floor. Just thinking about this movie made me swoon.)

Even though we all know how romantic movies like this will always end, women cannot help but flock to them in droves, and it's not hard to see why. No matter what happens, no matter what stands in the way, the leading man always comes back. He fights for her. He recognizes just how valuable she is and that she is worth the battle. No matter the cost, he will win her heart.

And when we women see this, our hearts melt with delight. That is exactly what we're looking for.

While these movies are mildly dangerous because they cause us to have unrealistic expectations for dating and marriage, I also think there is something to them. There is a desire in the heart of every woman to be fought for. We want a man who loves us so profoundly that he would do everything within his power to have us. That desire is undeniable.

As I look back on my dating relationships over the years, I see that desire in full effect. The one common element amidst all my break-ups was this: disappointment that they didn't fight for me. You always hope that, in spite of it all, your guy will see you as a prize worth fighting for, worth becoming a better man for.

But that hasn't happened for a lot of us single girls. For some of us it's been quite the opposite--we've been hurt, betrayed, used, and abandoned. So it is sometimes tempting to believe that I am not worth fighting for. If it is that easy for each one of those guys to walk away, then maybe I'm not really a prize worth winning.

I think we all have those days. They are difficult to say the least. BUT, it is on those days that we must also recognize the lies behind such a mindset. The truth is that you ARE worth fighting for. The truth is that you ARE a prize worth winning. And how do I know that? Because God fought for you. God loved you and treasured you greatly. He declared that you are worth the battle.

I don't mean that to sound cliche, but if you stop and consider the magnificent love revealed to us in the Gospel, it's quite breath-taking. I mean, I want a guy to fight for me, but die for me? That sounds a little extreme. I don't think I'm worth that.

But God did. And that is a truth we must stand on now, as well as the rest of our lives. I suspect that the desire to be fought for is not satisfied the day you say "I do." I suspect that married women wrestle with this yearning as well. Your husband might disappoint you or hurt you, and maybe you feel like he doesn't appreciate you or care about your needs. Well it is in those moments that you too must continue to rest in the knowledge that God fought for you. Our husbands, our boyfriends, our friends--they will all let us down. But not God. He is our Braveheart, our Prince Charming, our Westley.

So if any of you are hurting or lonely today, please take this encouragement. It comes from someone who knows your pain and is familiar with the loneliness. But try not to dwell on it. God fought for us so that we would be free from those things. We must not imprison ourselves when the prison doors have been undone. And we must certainly not mope in a puddle of self-pity when someone has loved us so beautifully. After all, there is a spiritual war going on around us, and we need to do some fighting of our own. When there are so many lost souls, starving children, and war-ravaged countries in this world, I dare not spend another moment wondering if I'm lovable when God has loved me so deeply.

The Gossip Diet

2008-01-24T16:00:00.001-06:00

This morning I watched one of the most insightful and convicting commentaries on human behavior that I've seen in quite some time. And of all places, it was on the Rachael Ray Show.

I don't normally watch Rachael Ray, but I saw a preview for this particular show that hooked me right away. She was doing a story about four friends who decided to diet from gossiping. The way the diet worked was that they would abstain from gossiping for 7 days straight. BUT, if someone broke the diet then they all had to start over. At one point they made it all the way to midnight of Day 6, but someone broke the diet and they were back to square one.

Interestingly, the parameters of the diet were more strict than I would have expected on a benign cooking show. Not only were they to abstain from talking about people behind their backs, but they also had to avoid reading celebrity gossip magazines and websites. And while seven days doesn't seem too difficult, it proved to be quite a challenge for these women.

As I followed the story of what the ladies learned during this experiment, I was dumbfounded by their insights. One woman noticed that she developed new ways to gossip without breaking the rules. For instance, instead of turning to her co-worker and saying, "Can you believe how ugly Alice's sweater is???" she would instead point at the sweater, directing her co-worker's attention to it. She would also make faces or laugh about people in such a way that others new what she was referring to. No, she wasn't outright gossiping, but she was still engaging in the spirit of gossip.

Another woman remarked that, in the course of the experiment, her co-workers decided that she wasn't as fun to be around. What a searing indictment of her relationship with them! It definitely forced me to pause and ask myself if my friends would enjoy my company as much if I were to abstain from talking about others.

A third woman came to the wise conclusion that she could best succeed at avoiding gossip if she avoided people who would tempt her to gossip. She realized that if she was even around people who were gossiping, she would crack under the pressure and give in, so she began to stay away from people that might pull her down. Again, quite a convicting word of truth--am I spending time with people who encourage me toward godliness, or do my friends and I simply feed off of one another in our slander of other people?

The final statement that really convicted me came from a woman who explained, "I understand that it's wrong to gossip about your friends, but I don't feel bad about celebrities because they're not like real people." Well Miss Rachael Ray jumped all over that statement and exposed it for its faulty logic. Not only are celebrities real people who get very hurt by the gossip about them, but gossiping about a celebrity is really no different than gossiping about a friend--you are tearing down a person who does not have the chance to defend themselves. That is the definition of gossip.

With all of that in mind, I have a challenge for you. In a week and a half we will be starting the season of Lent, a 40 day period in which many Christians decide to fast in preparation for the celebration of Easter. This year, I am going to fast from gossip.

To an extent, this is somewhat of an absurd fast, because we shouldn't be gossiping in the first place--it's not like fasting from chocolate or television. But even so, I want to set aside 40 days of intentional non-gossiping. I am going to ask my friends to hold me accountable in this, and I would encourage you to try it yourself.

And make no mistake, it's going to be hard. Females in particular are masters at the art of subtle gossip--we can make it look like a prayer request, or that we have been victimized by another woman and we are turning to our friends for moral support, but in the end it is all just dirty gossip. As women of God, as members of the body of Christ, we should be sickened that we do this to one another--funny how it took me watching a cooking show to realize it.

On the Anniversary of Roe v. Wade

2008-01-22T15:09:00.000-06:00

As you probably know by now, today marks the anniversary of Roe versus Wade, the monumental court case that legalized abortion in America. Because of this anniverary, news outlets all over the country have been aflutter with stories about the state of abortion in the U.S.

This afternoon I listened to the radio as a reporter interviewed two counselors who work with women recovering from abortion. In the course of the interview, callers phoned in with stories of their own abortions, and it was heart-breaking to hear. Many women have suffered greatly from an inability to forgive themselves.

However, not all the callers were so distraught. To my shock, some called in to proclaim that they'd had abortions with absolutely no regrets. What's more, they felt that no one should have regrets about abortion--it's your choice, and you should do what's best for you. Period.

Upon hearing these women's words, I initially felt sick to my stomach. How could they so cavalierly dismiss a human life? After all, these were not women who were teens or minorities facing financial hardships--these women admitted that they simply didn't want to be bothered. Either they were in the middle of pursuing their career goals, such as studying in law school, or they already had a family to raise and didn't want anymore kids. Having a baby was inconvenient, so they chose abortion.

Stories like these problematize the abortion debate considerably. On the one hand, I sympathize with the large percentage of minorities and teens who feel backed into a financial corner and don't see any other option besides abortion. Those women need advocates, and the church should do everything in its power to care for them.

However, not all women who have abortions are in such dire straits. Some are old enough to be responsible mothers, and they have the finances to support a child--they simply don't want to. In those cases, the church will not address the problem by simply providing care for pregnant women. The apathetic attitude demonstrated by the women on the radio reflects a much deeper problem, a problem that goes beyond the practical obstacles of pregnancy, and delves into the issue of worldview.

To understand the perspective behind using abortion as birth control, I have been trying to crawl inside the minds of these women. And the more I've thought about it, the more it kind of makes sense on some level. Let me explain...

Many people have sex in an instant gratification kind of way. They do what feels good in the moment. The act is not so much a reflection of long term commitment to another as it is an immmediate source of pleasure. Having a baby, on the other hand, is just the opposite. Even if you put the child up for adoption, you are still stuck with a baby in your belly for 9 months. You might have morning sickness, all sorts of joint pains, and you'll lose the shape of your body. Staying pregnant is therefore a long-term commitment that is guaranteed to be hard.

In this way, having sex and having a baby are polar opposites. According to our culture, sex requires very little of us but gives immediate pleasure. Having a baby, on the other hand, requires a lot of us and can be a horrible experience. That said, it makes perfect sense that so many women choose abortion. Abortion is the instant gratification solution for a culture that lives according to instant gratification.

With all of this in mind, the church has its work cut out for it. Not only should we do a better job of providing pregnant women with resources so that they feel the freedom to keep the baby, but we've got to address the reigning mindset as well.

Out of all the hot button issues today, abortion is perhaps the best at revealing our hypocrisy. Our generation prides itself on its mind for social justice, but if the choice is between caring for the oppressed or caring for ourselves, we'll choose ourselves every time. And that is exactly what these babies are--they are oppressed. Their voices and their lives are not represented by our government, so someone needs to stand for them. That is our job as Christians--we are to be a voice for the poor and oppressed, so we are to be a voice for these children. We must also be a prophetic voice that shines a spotlight on such blatant hypocrisy.

If you have had an abortion, please don't read this as a condemnation of you as a person. We all make mistakes, we do the best we can with the information we have at the time, and we cannot change our past. What we can do is to direct our future. God is a redeemer who can take any situation and make it into something glorious, so I hope that you let Him.

In closing, let us not forget our call as Christians. We should not only stand on behalf of the countless women who have abortions because they feel they have no other option, but we should also stand on behalf of the millions of babies who have no one to advocate for them. If ever a group was oppressed, these millions of unborn children would be it. Now our task is to do the hard work of prying the culture's eyes off of itself, and challenging our society with the tough question of what it TRULY means to live for another.

Let's Talk About Sex.....Actually, Let's Not.

2008-01-21T09:53:00.000-06:00

About 5 years ago I was introduced to the world of Christian conversations about sex. I had just started working for Proverbs 31 Ministries, and I sat in a Bible study of 30-something, married women who were discussing the topic of Biblical sex lives. They described their frustrations and how to communicate those frustrations to their husbands, but they described the "positives" as well.

Being a single gal, I didn't have much to contribute to the conversation, so I sat there with my hands neatly folded, saying little. Watching for their cues, I conjured up a look of concern or sympathy when the conversation seemed to warrant it, and I chimed in with a laugh when the group found something to be comical. I may have looked like I was tracking with them, but I really couldn't relate at all.

At the end of the study, the leader turned to me and said, "Sorry about this, Sharon. This must be really awkward for you!" But rather than admit, "Yes, I just met all of you and frankly I don't want to think about your sex lives!" I instead answered something like, "Oh no, I am learning a lot about this aspect of marriage."

It was at that moment that I figured this is what it means to be an adult. The older you get, the more you will need to sit through your married friends' conversations about sex without blushing or giggling. Sex is just a normal part of married life. No biggie. Better get used to it.

Interestingly, this approach to talking about sex is somewhat new to the Christian culture. Most of our parents did not talk about sex so casually. For some, sex was almost seen as a dirty little secret to be kept well hidden. And I think that is what our generation is largely reacting against. Not only was the secular culture unable to relate to our extremist approach, but we had actually debased sex by being so conservative about it. God gave us sex as a gift, but we treated it as if it was sinful and wrong. And that had to change.

So in response, Christians now talk very causally about their marital sex lives. They beam about how wonderful it is, and even go so far as to describe, in detail, the techniques they use to attain that goodness. All the while, I sit by and try to listen, to be supportive and rejoice with them in their happy sex lives, acting like the adult that I am who has adult friends who do adult things.

Well after 5 years of this, I am starting to wonder if we need to rethink our approach to discussing sex. On the one hand, it is a good thing that Christians can finally affirm their marital sex lives in a healthy way. God DID create sex, and it is beautiful, and He should be praised because of that.

BUT, is there a line? After all, sex is one of the most intimate acts between a husband and a wife, so do we make it less intimate if we talk about it incessantly? The way many of my married friends describe it, it sounds more and more like a carnal instinct engaged in to elicit pleasure, not an act of worship. In our desire to discuss sex in a more accessible way, have we compromised it on some fundamental level?

And in addition to that, there is also the issue of being single and guarding your thought life and your desires. Women are not always known for being tremendously visual creatures, but I have to admit that when a married person describes their sex life in any sort of detail, I have to fight off the visuals that ensue. I can't even imagine what it must be like to be a guy! What's more, when you have your friends going on and on about how glorious sex is, it makes it a little bit harder to stave off your own desires, or to at least keep yourself from thinking about it.

All of this is not to say that we should go back to the old way of talking about sex. By no means! BUT, I wonder if we should return to a more reverent way of discussing it. I don't mind talking to my married friends about it, but it's one thing if I am counseling them or listening to them about how to love their husband better in that area of their marriage. It is a very different thing to hear all about their bedroom escapades. As a single person, I don't need those images floating around in my brain.

Granted, I am not married so you married folks may have some insight to lend that I do not have, and I would be glad to hear it! But this is just one single person's perspective. I not only want to guard my thought life, but I want to make sure we are guarding the act of sex as well. I'm not sure it's enough to simply wait to have sex until you're married--Jessica Simpson showed us that you can accomplish this feat and still have a complete misunderstanding of the sacredness of sex. That said, we should not only protect the holiness of sex with our actions, but with our conversations as well. Whether you are talking about it with a single friend, or even your married friends, I would hope that your words reflect the kind of sacred intimacy that we Christians profess it as having.

What do you think??

When Life Throws a Brick In Your Face

2008-01-16T17:09:00.001-06:00

Several months ago I had the privilege of hanging out with an up and coming pastor from Seattle named Mark Driscoll (and by "hanging out" I mean that my pastor was meeting with him and I got to sit in the same room). Although Driscoll has a great deal of wisdom and is an incredibly godly man, he's also not afraid to speak his mind bluntly, especially concerning the Emerging Church movement, so he's become a lightning rod for criticism.

Knowing this about Driscoll, my pastor asked him how he coped with the the slander, betrayals, and overall critiques. Driscoll explained that he has used those hardships to make himself stronger. Each hit was like having a brick thrown at him, but instead of letting those bricks destroy him, he chose to take the bricks and lay them down as a foundation on which he could stand, stronger and more sure.

To be perfectly honest, this analogy made little sense to me at the time. Was this just a manly way of saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?" Ie. "when life gives you bricks, build a house?" Whatever, Driscoll....

Well it wasn't until I recently had a proverbial "brick" thrown in my face that I realized just what Driscoll was talking about. He wasn't simply advising that we make the most of a bad situation. Instead, we should aim for more than survival. There is a way to take those bricks and actually strengthen ourselves with them.

In case this analogy doesn't connect with you either, here is how Driscoll's illustration makes sense in my mind....

Imagine for a moment that you are an 8th grade boy. One day you get in a fight with some scrappy kid at school, and the whole affair plays out somewhat innocently until, all of a sudden, the little punk picks up a brick and throws it at your face.

Now at first, you're gonna be in some pretty major pain, and your face is gonna be a mess. You're probably knocked off your feet, you've got a broken nose, there's blood everywhere, and on top it all you're humiliated. You may lay on the ground for quite awhile moaning and groaning. You might even cry.

But eventually you get back up, you go to the doctor, your face heals, and you move on. Your face is still sore for awhile, and you may even have a scar from it, but you know what? You are now the kid who had a brick thrown in his face but lived to tell the tale! You are the man!

Now you are stronger and braver than you were before. Why? Because the next time you get in a fight with a kid, his puny little middle schooler fist is gonna look like a marshmallow compared to that brick. Nothing can scare you now because not even a brick in your face was able to conquer you.

And in that way, the brick in your face becomes a point of strength. In fact, it is a landmark in your life that you can stand on. If you can recover from a brick in your face, then you can overcome anything!

Plus, people will know that about you. They'll know you as the kid that wasn't slowed down by a broken face. You could bleed all over the ground but still come to school with your head held high, and they'll respect you for it. You've got street cred. The 8th grade girls will be all over you.

That brick is now a part of who you are, and because of that brick, you are better and stronger than you were before.

It is the same with the proverbial bricks. If someone throws a brick in your face by betraying you, lying to you, or hurting you, it's gonna hurt at first. You might lie on the ground for awhile in pain and shame. But if you can get up, if you can heal and move on, then that brick can become a point of strength. You can look back on that time in your life and remember, "That really really hurt, but it did not overcome me. I am still standing, and I am still moving forward. And if I could overcome that, then I can overcome anything."

In this way, you can use those bricks to build a strong foundation for your life. You can look back on your life, look at all those bricks that were thrown your way, and rejoice in the knowledge that you are still standing. God was faithful, and you got through it.

Those bricks are therefore a reminder that when we are weakest, God is strongest. When we think that we can do little more than survive, God makes us into more than conquerors. So the next time that life throws a brick in your face, just remember that, while it might hurt right now and you may be tempted to scream a few choice swear words, you can use those bricks to build a firm foundation for the future. As Kanye West wisely rapped, what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. :)

Self-Control: The Forgotten Fruit of the Spirit

2008-01-13T21:16:00.000-06:00

When was the last time you heard a sermon on self-control? I'm not sure if I've ever heard one. Most of the other fruits of the Spirit get a lot of play--love, joy, peace, patience, godliness--but self-control seems to slide under the radar. For some reason it's not a common barometer for spiritual growth....which is probably why I stink at it. I seriously can't go to the mall without buying something, and don't get me started on the kind of junk food I put in my mouth. If it comes down to me eating one of those chocolate lava cakes at Chili's, or exercising self-control and holding off, the cake wins every time.

But clearly self-control is important--it is, after all, a symptom of the Holy Spirit at work! What, then, was Paul up to when he listed it in Galatians 5? Why did he feel it was such a strong indicator of one's spiritual growth?

Well to find out the answer to this question, I looked up the Greek word for self-control. The word is egkrateia, and it is defined as follows: "The virtue of one who masters his desires and passions, especially his sensual appetites."

According to this definition, self-control is all about which master you serve. Are you a servant of God, or your own desires? Are you a master of your needs, or do your needs master you? At its core, self-control is an issue of idolatry. When examining each area of your life, it asks the piercing question, "Who is your god?"

In this way, self-control isn't merely about how much you eat or how you spend your money. It's about the disposition of your heart. And with that in mind, a lack of self-control in one area will usually indicate a lack of self-control in other areas.

For example, if your boyfriend cannot exercise self-control in your physical relationship, then there is no reason to expect that he will exercise self-control in other areas. Even if you do get married and the physical stuff is no longer an issue, the disposition of his heart is still the same, so his lack of self-control may play out in other areas, such as your finances.

If you are a person who serves your desires first, and God second, then no area of your life is safe from such idolatry. For some it can play out it drinking or having sex, for others it can be gluttony or over-dieting, and for others it can be the amount of money you spend on clothes, or the kind of movies you watch. For most of us, it is any number of those things.

We cannot, however, gain self-control by putting out fires. Because self-control is a fruit of the Spirit, then your first step is not to manage your money better, eat healthier, or stop making out with your boyfriend. The first step is to surrender your will to the Holy Spirit. Only then will your self-control be a manifestation of a changed heart, rather than an unsustainable change in lifestyle.

So when it comes to this fruit of the Spirit, take a look at yourself. You may be kind, patient, and faithful, but how are you in the self-control department? I, for one, have a lot of growing to do.

Instant Gratification Healing

2008-01-11T08:07:00.000-06:00

Last night I went to a CD release party for a new Blues artist named Toby Bonar. He's a very talented musician so I had a great time, but what I enjoyed most about the concert was the stories behind his songs. Toby is not only a musician, but he's also a Christian, so some of his music reflected his faith, and I was truly blessed by it.

In particular, Toby introduced one of his songs by talking about the healing process. He explained that whenever we get hurt, we always want the wound to be healed quickly. That is not, however, what we see in nature. If someone breaks their arm, a doctor can immediately set it back in place, but it will take weeks before the arm is actually healed. And if a fire ravages a forest, it will be decades before the trees grow back to their original verdancy.

And it is the same with the heart. Whenever someone wounds us, we want to feel better right away, but that is not the way God designed us. In fact, when we do seek instant gratification healing, we are oftentimes not experiencing healing at all. Rather, we are finding ways to temporarily ignore the wound or cover it up, thereby allowing the wound to secretly fester.

In reality, healing takes time, not because God is unable to heal us instantly, but because there is much to be learned in the healing. For one, our hurt compels us to run back to Him. It reminds us of our own insufficiency, and our desperate needs for His love, grace and strength.

The healing process also forces us to work on other areas of our lives. When someone breaks a leg, then the rest of their body must work twice as hard to make up for it. In doing so, their other leg, arms and back grow stronger while they allow the injured limb to heal. Similarly, when your heart is wounded, you are faced with an excellent opportunity to discipline your thought life. You can either dwell on the pain, the loneliness, or the insecurity, and allow those thoughts to wound your heart all the more, or you can exercise Scripture's command to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ," (2 Cor. 10:5). In this way, a wounded heart becomes an opportunity to master your thought life. But only if you seize that opportunity.

And so I challenge you and encourage you--if you are hurt or wounded right now, don't run from it. Don't seek instant gratification healing. Instead, embrace the woundedness and all that God has to teach you through it. The healing process may be long and grueling, but God is not a God of waste, so you can trust that there are treasures waiting for you, even now. You may not see or feel Him, but God still is at work.

Stomach Flu and the Church

2008-01-07T17:38:00.000-06:00

For the last 48 hours I have been wretchedly ill with the stomach flu. You know, of all the short terms viruses that one can acquire, I think that stomach viruses are my least favorite. There's nothing that makes you want to curl up and disappear more than lying on a bathroom floor for hours on end, only getting up periodically to stick your head in a toilet. And let me tell you, I also look and smell pretty amazing right now.

There has, however, been one silver lining to this experience, one way in which I actually feel blessed to have been sick. In the last two days, I have been reminded of how lucky I am to have such incredible friends. One friend brought me crackers and soda the moment I called him. Another friend dropped what she was doing to bring me chicken noodle soup and hot tea. And while she was making the soup, she drew me this amazing bath complete with relaxing bath salts and candles! Then, one of my roommates brought me a thoughtful get-well card and some medicine to help me sleep through the night. And as if that wasn't enough to make me feel loved, I had numerous friends calling me multiple times all day long to see how I was doing. I am an indeed a lucky girl!

So being the theology nerd that I am, I had one recurring thought as each new person came to my aid--I love the church! Even though God Himself didn't reach down to rub my back and make me soup, He used His Body to do so. Every time someone came by my house or called me to check on me, I could hear God whispering, "I'm here, Sharon. I'm taking care of you."

And how do I know that I was experiencing supernatural love, and not a mere act of human kindness? God's fingerprints were unmistakable in the extent to which people went out of their way for me. The sacrificial nature with which people repeatedly helped me did not as much reflect their love for me, as it did for Christ. No one likes having their plans ruined or delayed, no matter how great the cause, and my cause was not great. I felt sick, but the sickness would pass and I would eventually be fine regardless of whether or not someone made me some hot tea. But divine love goes beyond the bare minimum. Divine love is extravagant. It goes the extra mile to convey care and tenderness, even at personal expense. That is the kind of love I experienced, and that is why the servant-heartedness that I witnessed said more about my friends' love for Jesus than it did about their love for me.

Therein lies the beauty of the Church. When you enter into it, you become a part of Christ's very Body, which is love. Love is a fundamental characteristic of God's identity, so when we take on that identity, we experience a love that defies human selfishness or reason.

So today, I just wanted to tell all my friends who have cared for me these last couple days how grateful I am, and how blessed I have been by your love and concern. But more importantly, I thank God for giving you all such servant hearts. My mom and dad were not there to take care of me, but I still knew I was in the presence of family. Thanks for loving me in a way that made me fall more in love with God.

Are You a Facebook Addict?

2008-01-05T11:15:00.000-06:00

How you use your time is a great indicator of where your priorities lie. And sadly, I've realized that more and more of my time is being spent on Facebook. It's really pretty remarkable, actually--I could spend hours and hours and hours just browsing different peoples' profiles, looking at new photos, and generally poking my nose into other peoples' social lives. Hours of my life!

Given that time reflects priorities, I decided to consider just what this Facebook addiction says about me. And let me tell you, the results are not pretty. First, it reflects a general lack of efficiency with my schedule. God gives me 24 hours every day to serve Him and know Him more, yet I decide to waste a percentage of that time stalking other people on Facebook. And it's not like I'm even spending quality time with other people. Facebook is a quick and dirty way to know what's going on with your friends without actually investing in any quality time with them. It's a kind of pseudo-friendship in which you get the information with none of the commitment.

But in addition to this colossal waste of time, it is also very easy to compromise your witness. What is interesting about Facebook is that it enables people to watch your every move, which is detrimental to our witness if we are inconsistent with our Christian behavior. If your Facebook friends look at your pictures, then they can see how you spend your time and who you spend it with. They can also look at the conversations that you have with people on your walls. Previously, these parts of our lives were largely private, but now they are public, which means that our private sins and indiscretions are made public as well.

For instance, you may have a friend with whom you are extremely sarcastic, perhaps even prone to tell off-color jokes around. Within the context of your friendship, these interactions may seem pretty harmless, but if you post that joke on their wall, then suddenly everyone is a part of the dialogue, even though they don't know the context. In this way, Facebook should heighten our sense of personal holiness because we have the whole world watching. Unfortunately, it often does not. I have still made jokes or posted pictures that seemed innocent to me, but might have called into question the integrity of my witness without knowing the context. You think no one is watching, but trust me, they are.

In addition to what I have already listed, there are numerous other pitfalls that I have discovered about Facebook. It is easy to let your imagination get carried away if you have a crush on a guy and then watch his every profile move. It is also easy to be passive aggressive on Facebook. If you like a guy and want to stake out your territory, you can post flirtatious messages on his wall or post pictures of the two of you together so that other people know. People can also be manipulative with the statuses that they leave on their profiles--perhaps trying to evoke attention or sympathy.

All in all, I don't think that Facebook is a bad thing in and of itself. I am not going to now abandon Facebook or "fast" from Facebook or anything like that. I am, however, simply writing this for the purpose of making you think. How are you using your time, and what does it say about you? Because Facebook has become a sub-culture of some sort, how are you interacting with this culture? Are you interacting in a way that reflects an uncompromising commitment to Christ? If your religious status makes some bold statement about how you're "running hard after the Lord," or "loving the One who first loved us" then the way you behave on Facebook should reflect it.

Should Women Play Hard to Get?

2007-12-30T14:36:00.000-06:00

For the past three days I have been vacationing with family in Florida, and the one thing that I have done every single day since I arrived is go fishing. There is a little dock right outside where we are staying, and there are lots of fish swimming around it, so it's a perfect place to pass the time while enjoying the beautiful weather and scenery.

Over these past couple days I have learned a lot about fish. For instance, fish are a lot smarter than we give them credit for (at least some fish are). And due to this fact, I have had to teach myself the art of fish seduction. You see, it's not enough to just let your bait hang in the water. It's got to be moving around a little, taunting the fish, as if to say, "You couldn't catch me if you tried!"

What's more, many of the fish don't want the bait if it's dead. This week we've been using live shrimp, and if that little shrimp's feet stop scurrying, then a lot of the fish will lose interest. A couple greedy fish won't care and will eat the shrimp either way, but the big fish, the fish you want, can't be fooled. For them, it's all about the thrill of the chase.

Now this afternoon as I sat on the dock and carefully moved my bait around so as to catch the fish's attention, I realized something. What I've learned about catching fish can be easily applied to dating men. Like fish, many guys don't want a girl who chases them, because men also desire the thrill of the chase. Even once you start dating, guys still want some mystery to the relationship. They don't want a girl who's always available. They want a girl who makes them work for it. They want a girl who plays hard to get.

That said, the question I want to pose to you is whether or not we should play into this little game. If that is what guys want, and if that is how we can get them to pursue us, then why not try it? Well the obvious answer is "no." Not only is it manipulative, but you are building a relationship that is not based on reality. What draws these men is not your personality at all. They simply want that which they cannot have. And oftentimes, once they get you they won't want you anymore. They'll move on to someone else who can offer that thrill of the chase.

BUT, just because playing hard to get can be manipulative, does not mean we should write off this practice altogether. The opposite of playing hard to get is not being available at all times. Rather, there is a kind of playing hard to get that can actually be godly. Here's what I mean...

In my past dating relationships I have frequently been tempted to clear my whole schedule to accommodate a guy. I always wanted to be available for him, partially out of a fear that if I wasn't available, he would move on to someone else. Unfortunately, this degree of availability is sometimes unattractive to godly men, not only because of their desire to chase, but because it says something about your priorities.

A godly man is not looking for a woman who rearranges heaven and earth for a boyfriend. Yes, he will want you to make some time for him, but a godly man is looking for a woman who is in diligent pursuit of God and has her eyes focused on Him alone. If your schedule consists of ministry commitments such as community service or spending valuable fellowship time with other women, then those commitments should not be thrown out the window as soon as a guy comes along. If you can't spend time with your boyfriend because you are discipling another women, then that will indicate to him that your priorities are Christ-centered, and that will draw him to you, not drive him away.

If, on the other hand, you start to regularly skip out on those commitments to spend time with your guy, then it will also send a message to him and set a dangerous precedent. You are not only indicating that service to God takes a back seat to the relationship, but that your identity comes first from him, and second from God. Any godly man should find that to be very unattractive.

So when it's all said and done, playing hard to get can actually be a good thing, but only when done in the right way. If a guy wants to take you out but you already have plans, it's ok to say no and have him wait for another time. It shows him that your life is already full and complete with Christ and godly friendships. It indicates that you are not waiting on a guy to complete you, but to simply complement you.

With that in mind, be intentional about how you spend your time. If you are tempted to make yourself always available to a guy, resist that temptation, not only because he will find you more attractive when you have a strong sense of your own identity and calling, but because you will be guarding your own priorities as well. From that perspective, playing hard to get can actually be a pretty good thing.

I never thought I would hear myself say that!

One Response to Jamie Lynn Spears

2007-12-23T12:44:00.000-06:00

To say that I was frustrated upon hearing the news of Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy, that would be an understatement. I have a 10 year old cousin who watches her show on Nickelodeon and looks up to Spears as a role model, so this is not exactly the kind of example I want set for her. It makes me angry that Spears was reckless with her position as a teen role model, and now countless young girls will be impacted because of it.

However, I don't think that is where the conversation should end. While I am indeed upset about the recent turn of events, we need to take a step back and consider a few important elements in the story. First, Spears is only 16 years old. I don't know about you, but I did quite a few stupid things when I was 16--I was simply lucky that none of those decisions followed me the rest of my life. That said, Spears has a lot of responsibility on her shoulders, but we should be wary of applying adult expectations to someone who isn't an adult. The fact of the matter is, we all make mistakes. The question is what we do with our mistakes...

That brings me to the second element of the story that we do well to consider: Spears has decided to keep the baby. When I first read an article about Spears' pregnancy, she explained that she spent two weeks considering what she should do with the baby. After two weeks, she decided to go ahead with it. That, my friends, is commendable.

Just think, for a moment, about the pressures that this young woman is facing. 1) She's only 16 with her whole life ahead of her but now she's going to be tied down by a child, 2) her entire career is in jeopardy since she'll probably get fired from her show, and 3) she is now the subject of endless negative press. For a lot of people, her decision would be simple--no baby could be worth all of that hardship.

Yet Spears chose life, and we must not overlook this fact. Yes, she made a mistake, but she is facing the consequences rather than sweeping them under a rug. If only most women felt loved and supported enough, or were brave enough, to do the same if they were in her situation. Many women in much better circumstances are not.

For that reason I think we should applaud the fact that Jamie Lynn Spears chose life. And if there is any lesson that I hope young girls learn from all this, I hope it is that no mistake is beyond redemption. It is always possible to make good decisions, even in the midst of our bad ones. Every new moment is a new opportunity to follow God and honor Him regardless of what we've done in the past. I don't know if that was Spears' mindset, but her decision still exemplifies the truth of it.

Let There Be Light!

2007-12-20T14:15:00.001-06:00

I know I'm gonna take a lot of flak for saying this, but I think many Christians give contemporary Christian music the short end of the stick. No, it is not a style that resounds with every single person, but that doesn't mean there isn't great value in it. What's more, people accuse modern Christian music of having less theological depth, and while there are songs that fall into that category, not all of this genre should be categorized that way.

For instance, there is a Christmas song by Point of Grace called "Let There Be Light," and it has helped me a great deal as I think through, prepare for, and process the Christmas season at hand. Every time I hear it I am struck by the amazing substance of its message, so I have posted it today in the hope that it will challenge you as well. Here's an excerpt from the song that will give you the basic thrust of its teaching:

From the beginning the Father
Had a magnificent plan
Revealed through the law and the prophets
To fulfill the redemption of man
He spoke after centuries of silence
In the midst of a still, starry night
And Emmanuel came down among us
And the Father said “Let there be light”

Let there be light!
Let it shine bright
Piercing the darkness with dazzling white
Hope for the hopeless was born on that night
When God sent his Son
And said “Let there be light”

What a beautiful picture of Christmas: "Let there be light!" And how perfectly it draws together the larger narrative of God's story on earth. In the same way that God declared "Let there be light" in Genesis 1, Christmas is a kind of creation story as well. In both Genesis and the Gospels, God pierces the darkness with a great light, and creates beauty out of nothing.

And that is what Christmas is: God re-creating that which we had destroyed with sin. After the Fall, we were just as directionless and devoid of hope as the nothingness from which God created the world. In fact, we were worse off, so it was necessary that God create anew.

That is why Scripture refers to Christians as "new creations." God is starting over and building us into something that is entirely other than what we were before. Each new Christian life is a creation story in and of itself. And in this way, the story of God's saving action on behalf of humanity has epic proportions far greater than Lewis or Tolkien ever could have described. The story of God's creative work on our behalf began with the creation of the universe, and continues even today.

With each new Christian life, God is declaring to the world "Let there be light! I am making a new creation that will reflect my Son and shine like light in the darkness!" In this way, Christmas is not merely about us, about presents, or even the finite reality of Jesus in a manger. On the contrary, Christmas is one piece of a much larger Christ-story in which God tirelessly reaches out to His children in love so that we may live out this light to the world around us.

So during this Christmas season, we should remember the fitting words of Isaiah 9:2, "The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light;those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness,on them has light shined." When Jesus was born God declared to a dark world, "Let there be light!" That is why we celebrate.

Pride Where You Least Expect It

2007-12-18T08:57:00.000-06:00

I know it sounds cliche, but one of the things I love most about ministry is that I often get just as much out of counseling people as they do from meeting with me, if not more so. Such was the case last week when I sat down for lunch with one of my college students.

As we sat outside enjoying the beautiful weather, catching up about faith and life, she told me about a ministry in our church with which she has become involved. The ministry is called Celebrate Recovery, and its purpose is to celebrate God's healing power in our lives. What I, personally, like about the ministry is that it's open to anyone--you can be a recovering alcoholic, healing from the wounds of parental abuse, overcoming an eating disorder, or simply getting over a bad break-up. No matter your situation, everyone comes together under the banner of God's redemptive healing.

However, my young friend also told me something about the ministry that caught me off guard. When I asked her about the ministry's teachings, I expected to hear something about harnessing the power of God's love to empower yourself and overcome your woundedness. But she didn't say that at all. Instead she replied, "I've learned a lot about the importance of humility. My pride has really been getting in the way of my healing."

Wait, what? This ministry gathers together a group of incredibly wounded people, and then tells them to work on their pride? How could you say such a thing to a person who is grieving over the divorce of his parents or a girl who was abused by her boyfriend? How can you tell them that pride is their problem?

Yes, I was indeed stunned to hear this....but in a very good way. While this teaching is extremely counter-intuitive, it is also incredibly insightful. By making this move, Celebrate Recovery does not pin the blame on the victim, but it does force them to look at their role in the healing process.

C.S. Lewis once said that pride is the source of all other sins, and I agree. It creeps into our lives at every turn, even at times when we are largely innocent. And in doing so, it cripples us. For instance, pride is one of the biggest factors that prevents us from forgiving another. A significant part of the healing process is forgiveness, but I usually struggle mightily with this act. I somehow believe that if I forgive the person, then I am letting them off the hook. Ironically, I only continue to punish myself by refusing to forgive, because I obsess about it and harbor bitterness in my heart, but I simply won't let the hurt go. And ultimately this unforgiveness stems from pride. I want to punish the other person because I think I deserve better, so I withhold my forgiveness, and I never truly heal.

Another way in which pride can hinder the healing process is in the refusal to ask for help. Sometimes people struggle with a sin or pain, but are too ashamed to talk about it, and so they continue to languish in it. Rather than call on the Body of Christ for aid, we pridefully assume that we can handle things on our own, so nothing ever changes.

At its very root, the problem with pride is that it begins with the self. It always puts the self and its interests first and foremost. But what Celebrate Recovery has brilliantly realized is that healing does not begin with the self--it begins with God. If we start with the self, we will always end in destruction because we are selfish and short-sighted. If, on the other hand, we begin with God and put away our pride, then our selfishness and vanity will not stand in our way. God will set our priorities aright, He will soften our hearts, enable us to forgive, and overcome us with His love. Only then will we be able to break free from the pride than imprisons us in our own pain.

So I challenge you today--look for pride where you least expect it. Even in the areas where you think you are totally innocent, pride lies there also. But once you purge it, freedom awaits. It is counter-intuitive, but it is also true.

Hopelessly, Madly In Love

2007-12-12T15:28:00.000-06:00

A couple weeks ago my pastor shared a quote that I have since found to be thoroughly true and deeply convicting. It comes from the personal assistant of Albert Einstein, Charles Misner, and explains why Einstein was so disinterested in formal religion:

“The design of the universe is very magnificent and shouldn’t be taken for granted. In fact, I believe that is why Einstein had so little use for organized religions, although he strikes me as basically a very religious man. Einstein must have looked at what the preacher said about God and felt that they were blaspheming. He had seen much more majesty than he had ever imagined, and they were just not talking about the real thing. My guess is that he simply felt that the churches he had run across did not have proper respect for the Author of the Universe.”

Misner's words could not be more true. Oftentimes our preaching lacks credibility, not because we are hypocrites, but because we are utterly unconvincing. Many people don't believe us because they don't see the awe that we would logically have if we truly knew what we were professing. Non-Christians can tell that we are trying just as hard to convince ourselves as we are trying to convince them.

But what is the solution to this inauthenticity? The answer is not to become better actors, but to genuinely fall more in love with Christ. To understand this distinction, I am reminded of my past romantic relationships. No matter how hard a guy tried, I could always tell if he wasn't really into it. Even if he went through all the right motions and said all the right things, I could still tell whether or not the actions were genuine.

Real, head over heels love, on the other hand, is unmistakable. A guy will have stars in his eyes, he can't stop smiling, and can't stop talking about the girl that he loves. There is no faking this kind of emotion, and it is the same with God. We must be totally enamored with God if others are to believe us when we speak of His faithfulness. Otherwise, our words will ring hollow.

So how do we fall in love with God in an authentically passionate way? By spending time with Him. The more we read God's Word and the more we go to Him in prayer, the more we will realize why the angels sing "Holy, holy, holy" and why David wrote volumes of Psalms about His glory. If you know God, truly know God, you will be unable to help yourself--you will fall hopelessly and madly in love with Him. And when we do, people will not only notice, but believe.

Women's Ministry and Gnosticism

2007-12-10T07:08:00.000-06:00

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I am a pretty big nerd. I like to watch the History channel, I listen to public radio somewhat obsessively, and I couldn't really name one mainstream song that is popular right now...I think there's one about Bubbles or something?

And this nerdiness is not one-dimensional. I'm not like the nerds who JUST like Science or Anime. My nerdiness is multi-faceted. So in addition to the nerd-like tendencies that I have already listed, my nerdiness has a religious side as well--I like to talk about theology and Church history. That's what I spent three years studying in seminary, and that's what I miss the most about seminary.

However, I don't enjoy these things simply for knowledge's sake. I like tracking CNN.com and reading about complex Church doctrines because they enhance my understanding of the world and the ways in which my faith sheds light on that world. This knowledge is one way that I can pursue Christ more diligently.

That said, I want to spend the next couple minutes giving you a brief Church history lesson. And before you click "Close" on the window and never come back to my blog again, give it a chance! Church history is of the utmost importance for us as Christians. We need to know our past mistakes or else we will be doomed to repeat them.

More specifically, that is why we study heresies. Teachings that the Church deemed to be heretical thousands of years ago are not behind us in the past. On the contrary, most of the heresies that you would read about in a textbook are still very much alive and well today. We must therefore learn to identify such errant teachings so that we do not fall prey to them ourselves. In fact, some of those heresies pop up in women's ministry from time to time.

With all of that in mind, I want to briefly introduce you to a famous heresy called "Gnosticism." The word "gnostic" comes from the Greek word "gnosis" meaning "knowledge," and it refers to the belief that humans need a special kind of knowledge to free themselves from this world.

Gnosticism itself was a religious movement that existed alongside the early Christian Church, so Christians were constantly battling to keep its teachings separate. And like Christianity, Gnosticism did not have one form alone. In the same way that we have denominations, Gnosticism developed into a wide range of sects, but the one teaching that most defined this movement was its belief in the evil of the material world. Gnostics felt that humans are trapped in a world from which they must free themselves because all materials things are inherently wicked. And because of this belief, Gnostics taught that Jesus could not be God, because that would mean that God would mix with the material world, something a good god would never do. In this way, Gnostics undermined the divinity of Christ.

Now this teaching was deemed to be heretical some time ago, but you still see its remains all the time. Any religion that teaches that the material world, as God created it, is inherently evil, is fundamentally gnostic. For example, religions that believe sex is dirty, money is bad, or that enjoying nice things like good food are wrong--all of these ascetic beliefs are gnostic. While sex and food and material things can all be turned into idols when we love them in an inordinate way, they are not themselves evil, because God created them, so enjoying these things is to enjoy an aspect of God.

What does this have to do with women's ministry? Well there is a strand of thought that teaches it is wrong to love yourself, that loving yourself is somehow selfish or vain, and this is a thoroughly gnostic idea. While these teachers do not generally go to the extreme of telling Christians to hate themselves and deny their bodies, the idea of loving yourself is often frowned upon, and sometimes blatantly discouraged. There are many Christian leaders who teach this, some of which are popular women's ministers.

Unfortunately, this belief is a gnostic one. It buys into the idea that loving the self is inherently wrong, but the problem with this teaching is that God created you as a reflection of Himself. He made you with intention and purpose just the way you are. And when God does such a work, we should do more than love that work--we should worship and glorify God on its behalf!

You see, what is fundamentally wrong with Gnosticism is that it spits upon the very image of God. It denies the infinite number of beautiful ways in which God manifests Himself through His creation, claiming that God will ONLY manifest himself in spiritual ways, when, in fact, God's fingerprints are all over creation. And more importantly, all over you! That is what's at stake when you struggle to love yourself.

And that is the beauty of Church history. It reminds us that when we talk about simple things like loving ourselves, we are employing more than self-help jargon. Hating yourself is not merely unhealthy, it is heretical. You were made in the image of God, so it is a serious thing to hate such a marvelous image. Church history therefore reminds us of the weightiness of these matters. So, I hope that in this brief lesson, I have made a theology nerd out of you as well. When it comes to knowing God and who He is, I think we could all stand to be a little nerdier.

Indiscriminate Evangelism

2007-12-03T21:43:00.000-06:00

Today I read a deeply tragic news story that has given me a great deal of perspective on my approach to ministry. The story was about a teenage girl who hung herself after receiving a mean message from a boy on MySpace. Apparently the girl had engaged in relatively innocent conversations with the boy for some time, but another girl hacked into his account and began to send hostile messages to her, telling her she was mean and that the world would be better off without her. Ordinarily, this would seem like standard girl-on-girl cattiness that would fizzle out after some short-lived drama, but it instead ended in the premature loss of a life.

For me, this story serves as a crucial reminder. Why? Because this teenager was just a regular girl. There was nothing about her that made her life particularly tragic or unfair. She was not a minority, she had not lived on the street, and she had not been oppressed or marginalized. She was just a normal, every day, American girl. And oftentimes, this is a category of person that I am sometimes tempted to ignore when I imagine what true Christian ministry should look like.

When it comes to being salt and light in a dark world, we should be utterly undiscriminating. For some of us, that means going out of our comfort zones and ministering to those individuals who have fallen through the cracks of our society--the poor, the needy, the hungry, etc. However, there is also a great temptation for some Christians to focus only on helping the poor. Unlike those Christians who ignore the poor due to laziness or complacency, this latter tendency sometimes stems from a "poverty theology" in which working with the poor is ranked as a superior Christian endeavor. Working with the rich and the privileged therefore becomes an overlooked need. In fact, the rich and powerful are the people we frequently judge and condemn, not reach out to. And in doing so, we convey the message that God only really cares about the poor. God is somehow partial to them.

Not only does such a perspective tell a lie about God's love for the world as a whole, but it views Jesus' ministry, and the world, through a largely temporal lens. It is to judge someone's poverty based on superficial circumstances alone. But the truth of the matter, as the above story reminds us, is that many individuals whom the world would deem to be privileged, are living in emotional and spiritual poverty. Like the young woman who took her own life, we have classmates, roommates, neighbors and co-workers who may appear to have it all from a worldly perspective, but are dying inside. We could offer them hope and joy but we rarely do, assuming they don't need it because they are already wealthy, powerful, or at the very least, financially comfortable and seemingly happy.

For that reason, this story reminds us that if we are fully engaged in helping the poor and defending the oppressed, but completely ignoring the spiritual destitution in the lives of those around us, then we are no closer to the heart of God than devout Christians who ignore the homeless and needy individuals in their community. Yes, we must feed and clothe those who need it, but it is no less important to provide people with spiritual nourishment as well. In fact, it is more important.

So while social justice is indeed a priority, don't forget about those closest to you who may not seem to have as a great a need, but may very well be falling apart inside. To engage in this type of outreach means we must learn to see the world with spiritual eyes, eyes that not only seek to heal physical poverty, but spiritual poverty as well. We live in a fallen world, which means that pain and suffering is inevitable no matter who you are, so the real question is whether we will reach out to our dying brothers and sisters, or ignore them because we feel there are more pressing needs at hand.

Preparing For Christmas

2007-11-28T08:18:00.000-06:00

Yes, it has come to this--it's not even December and I'm already writing a post about Christmas. I know it's a little early, but since the rest of the world seems to have already jumped head first into the Christmas season, it's important that we balance the rat race of shopping and parties with some meditation on what this season is really about. With that in mind, here's something that I've been thinking about as the Christmas season begins to unfold...

To profess that God became Man is not at all a neutral statement. That said, I am often struck by how casually we tell the Christmas story. Each year we go through the routine of remembering our Savior’s humble beginnings, and although the festivities and the lights add a certain dynamic of wonder to the celebration, we have nevertheless tamed this wild tale. The story might stir in us feelings of sentimentality or excitement, but we are rarely dumbfounded by it.

Yet think, for a moment, about what it is we say we believe: God, the Creator of the Universe, became a man by impregnating a virgin so that He could save all humanity from the evil of the world through this God-Man baby. I mean no irreverence, but doesn’t that sound a little crazy? Realistically, what would you do if a friend of yours approached you with the following news: “You’ll never believe this, but God came to me in the night and said that my pregnant fiancée is carrying a divine baby who will save the world!” I, personally, would run away as fast as possible, and probably stop being their friend.

Indeed, what we as Christians say we believe is more than a little off the wall. That, of course, is why we call it faith. But Christmas is a great opportunity to look at the story with fresh eyes. Had we not been born in a culture that was used to hearing the Christmas story, and had Christ’s birth not been domesticated into an annual routine, how might we have responded upon hearing this narrative for the first time?

Most likely, we would have responded in one of two ways: We would have either rejected it as pure insanity, or believed it whole-heartedly and exclaimed, “Can this good news really be true? I want to follow such a God!” Those are the only two logical choices. To respond, “I guess I can buy that,” but then continue your life unchanged is utterly nonsensical. If we do, in fact, believe that the Creator of the Universe became a human and died on the cross for us, then there is no neutral response. To believe that God loves us so radically is to be forever changed. The only people who remain unchanged by such news are those who don’t believe it, or simply don't understand it.

So this Christmas, think about what it is you believe. If we truly believe that God became human to deliver us from a fallen world, then that is a God for whom we should cast off everything to follow. That is a God worthy of radical discipleship, adoration, and glory. To respond any other way is to misunderstand what it is we profess. We will never fully understand the heights and the depths of what God has done for us. But the more we ponder the Christmas story, the more we will be transformed by it. And when this happens, we will stop celebrating the birth of God’s son simply because it is tradition or because the marketing culture compels us, but because we are so filled with joy that we cannot help ourselves

Submission to Authority: Is it Freedom or Bondage?

2007-11-23T19:56:00.000-06:00

This week I joined the thousands of Americans who hit the road for the Thanksgiving holiday, and let me tell you, it was a treat. For some strange reason, I-85 dwindles down to two lanes instead of (logically) expanding as you drive into Charlotte, so I spent a large portion of my journey creeping along at about 5 miles per hour. I'm pretty sure I could have gotten there faster if I had run.

In addition to the frustration of heavy holiday traffic, I also passed about a dozen cop cars throughout my two hour drive. And like clockwork, I hit the breaks every single time I saw one, whether I was speeding or not. I don't know what it is about seeing a police car that automatically makes me feel guilty. But more notably, seeing them always makes me feel slightly annoyed, if not a little mad. Why? Because they're an inconvenience. I'm a good driver, and I'm not reckless or irresponsible, so it frustrates me that I've got these police people constantly looking over my shoulder making sure I'm not doing anything wrong. And of course you never see them pull over the real offenders, the crazy people who weave in and out of the lanes at dangerously high speeds. Where are the cops then?

Yes, my perspective on cops is wary at best.

In general, I think that my attitude towards policemen epitomizes our generation's attitude toward authority. Put simply, young people have a major problem with authority. We don't want people telling us what to do, and we refuse to listen because we think we know better. If you don't believe me, here are a couple litmus tests to see if you might qualify...

-If you've ever written off your parents as simply being naive or over-protective in the advice that they have given you
-If you've ever gotten bitter with professors for giving you pop quizzes to make sure you are staying on top of your work
-If you have ever sat through a sermon and criticized everything the pastor was saying, or have thought you could lead the church more effectively than your pastor
-If the idea of marital submission sounds like a relic of patriarchal society that should be ignored in Scripture
-If you think all rules are merely a form of legalism

I could go on, but this is a good start. I, personally, have been guilty of almost all those thoughts at one time or another.

The problem is that we have come to embrace a distorted view of authority. Arrogantly, our generation sees authority as a limitation of our freedom, so we buck against it time and time again.

Scripture, however, treats it differently. The Bible consistently teaches us to submit to various authorities, whether they be governmental or church leaders. And while there are some parameters to this submission, we cannot let the Hitlers of the world sour our understanding of authority. We must reclaim God's true intention for it.

In reality, authority is not meant to stifle freedom, but to enhance it. Authority is a means to greater freedom, not an obstacle to it. The easiest way to conceive of this is to picture a parent's relationship with a child. A parent might forbid her child from playing in the road or eating whatever the child wants, but in doing so the parent is not limiting the child's freedom. On the contrary, the parent keeps the child from playing in the road so that the child can play in safety. And the parent does not allow the child to eat tons of sugar so that the child does not get sick. In this way, the parent's rules actually maximize the child's quality of life and the freedom with which the child can live. Rather then minimize freedom, the rules increase it.

Similarly, policemen are not on the highway to make our traveling more difficult, but to make it safer. Traffic regulations protect us from reckless individuals who drive selfishly and hazardously. We can drive in freedom because our roads are relatively safe since most drivers abides by a standard of responsibility.

What's more, even marital submission is a means to freedom. When a wife submits to a husband who is laying himself down for her and is always putting her best interest first, then that is freedom, not bondage. And with that in mind, you can easily see why marriage is based off of the relationship between Christ and the Church. When the Church submits to a God who loves her so much that He would send His Son to die for her, then that is freedom. I have no hesitation about submitting to such a God. And in this way, submission to God and submission in marriage are a means to freedom.

That is why Scripture treats authority as a positive, rather than a negative. Authority, when exercised appropriately, is a reflection of God's authority over us. That being said, if we have a problem with submitting to authority, then we probably have a problem submitting to God. In the end, that is what this issue boils down to. No, we must not be doormats--authority can be abused--but that does not make all authority bad. Authority is just one echo of the many beautiful attributes of God, which means that rules and regulations do not always serve to hinder us, but to teach us about the depths and complexities of God's love. The question is whether or not this is an aspect of God that you are willing to accept. Unfortunately, many of us are not, and I fear the Church will suffer for it. Let that not be the case.

What Kind of Relationship Do You Have?

2007-11-20T08:24:00.000-06:00

Several years ago I attended a church that preached through Song of Solomon. I never thought I could learn so much from a book that compares women's anatomy to deer grazing in a field! It was awesome.

The sermon series used Song of Solomon to walk through the stages of dating, ending in marriage. Unfortunately I don't remember a whole lot from the series, but there is one point that I have always come back to time and again because of its truth.

As the pastor discussed the application of the book to dating, he noted the abundant use of springtime imagery in describing the lovers' relationship. Why, he asked, do you think the author used this imagery? Because springtime embodies the same thing that a godly relationship should embody: life.

To explain what he meant by this, he pointed out that romantic relationships generally have two results--life or death. On the one hand, you have the kind of relationship that is all-consuming. The couple is so infatuated with one another that everything else in their lives essentially dies. They do not follow up on commitments, their ministries take a back seat, and oftentimes their relationship with God suffers as well. What's more, each individual's identity disappears into the identity of the couple. Suddenly, they can't do anything apart, they can't do anything for themselves, and they can't even think for themselves. This kind of relationship therefore leads to an all-pervasive death--death of ministry, friendships, relationship with God, and even personal identity.

On the other hand, there is a kind of relationship that leads to life. In this relationship, your significant other spurs you on in your service to God. They encourage you to love your friends and family better, to serve the world more diligently, and to pursue God more passionately. They make you a better disciple than you were before, and as a result, everything in your life flourishes.

This second kind of relationship is the way God designed relationships to be. You can even see this model in the Garden before the Fall. God gave Eve to Adam, not for the sake of mere companionship, but because Adam could better serve God WITH Eve than without her. Their relationship was one of purpose. They had a larger mission than simply making one another happy. It was only when they began to think and act selfishly that death entered the scene.

I must admit, this is a hard teaching for me. In the past, I've been tempted to rearrange everything in my schedule to make time for a guy, even at the expense of my prior commitments. And even if I did fulfill those commitments, my heart wasn't in it. I was only biding my time until I could skip out and go see my boyfriend. As a result, I spent less time with my friends, and my ministry was accomplished with only minimal effort.

This reaction to a new relationship is tempting because everything is new and exciting and every moment spent with the person is an adventure. Why would you not want to spend all your time with them? However, it's important to take a look at your life. If your relationship is causing the rest of your priorities to suffer, then you need to ask some tough questions. Either adjust the terms of the relationship, or get out altogether, because such a relationship does not honor God. God did not create relationships as an end in themselves, but as a means to an end--His glory. Ultimately, this is the greatest measure of whether or not you have a healthy relationship, so we must always be asking that question.